Can OCD, Anxiety and Depression Be Healed from Within?
Questioner: Acharya Ji, bullying is often seen as a clear moral wrong. But in reality, those who bully often seem to thrive in life. They get success, they get power, social acceptance also sometimes. But the ones on the receiving end, they're left with trauma and repression. From your perspective, how are we supposed to understand this dynamic? And is bullying simply just bad behavior, or is there a deep psychological understanding or explanation for why bullies seem to thrive and the receiving ones are left with the consequences?
Acharya Prashant: We'll come to that, whether bullies actually thrive. But the first thing to say is that you are not responsible for these random things that happen to you. You do not control the 850 crore world's population. You do not know where they come from, how they were raised, what brews in their mind. You don't know that, and you're not accountable for that.
So some madman can come and throw nonsense at you. That in no way is a reflection of who you are. Just as some dimwit comes and praises you, and that does not make you any higher, does it? Does it? It does not.
Somebody comes, knowing nothing about you, and simply starts saying, "You're the most wonderful person in the world." Does that glorify you? Really? It does not. Similarly, some rabid dog starts barking at you. We are taking a walk. How does that diminish you? It doesn't diminish you in any way.
So that is happening, and that is not an account of who you are. That is not your story. That is the story that's happening outside of you. Don't let that narrative become your inner story.
That person has things to say. Those things are that person's problem, not yours. That fellow has things to say about you, and those are very absurd, very nonsensical, ugly things that person might have to say about you. That is his problem, not yours. You stay apart. You stay clean. You stay untouched. Untouched where? Well, the world can throw stuff at you, and the stuff can touch your body because the body too, in a sense, belongs to the world. So the world can throw muck at you, and the muck will land on your body. That's fine. Things can happen.
But there must be an internal space that must remain untouched by whatever the world does. That alone, that alone is your own space. That purity, that purity is your own and must be safeguarded. Nobody must be allowed to trespass there.
Are you getting this?
So we do not know what the next person is going to say. We do not know. This ceiling might fall. The hills may experience an earthquake. And in the age of social media, anybody can be trolled anytime.
Do you guys have social media accounts yet?
No. I hope not. Good. Thank you.
But at some point you will have them, and then you will find all kinds of people coming and posting all kinds of things on your accounts. And if you allow that to be connected to your self-esteem, to your inner identity, then you'll find yourself at the mercy of unknown faces.
You do not even know who they are, and yet somehow they are pulling your inner strings. That's a pitiable situation to be in, is it not?
I do not even know who that person is, but I have become dependent on that person for my self-worth. I mean, I don't want to be in that situation.
So let the world say what the world wants to say. You must know who to listen to. You must be very discreet with that.
Now I'll come to the next part of the thing. One thing you must always ask yourself: Am I a participant in subjecting myself to that person? I mean that person, or whatever that person, that situation, that event, whatever, that institution, that person gaining access to me, was it a total coincidence, or was I a participant in that?
Did I, in some way, allow that person to have access to me? And if you find that you were coordinating his access to you, you were facilitating his access to you, then withdraw, because you owe that to yourself. Do you get this?
Why must you be in an environment that does not understand you and is rather abusive? You don't need to be there. And we live in a hyperconnected world where anybody can say anything to anybody. Therefore, having a very strong inner locus of control becomes all the more important as you grow up.
Somebody sitting in some part of Africa or Europe can comment on you. That was not possible 50 years back. Today it is possible. Just about anybody can make himself or herself be read, seen, felt, experienced. You must be a little immune to those experiences. Are you getting this?
Now, why do these bullies succeed? Well, they really don't. They really don't. Were they really successful, they wouldn't need to bully. Bullying itself is a symptom of inner failure. How can they be successful?
Had you not miserably failed inside, why would you choose to bully someone on the outside? When you are complete within, contented within, then you want to share joy with others. Then you want to extend a helping hand to others. You could even say, poetically, that you overflow with love when you are really successful inside.
Has that happened with you, when you are really joyful…
Questioner: You spread out.
Acharya Prashant: You spread out, and you say good things to others, and you smile. And if you find somebody disheartened, then you say, "Come on, let's play. Don't be so dejected. Get up." You do that, right? You don't bully. When you are joyful, would you go out and bully someone? You won't do that. So if somebody has become almost a professional bully, what does that tell about that person's inner state?
Listener: Sir, they need help.
Acharya Prashant: Oh, they need help.
Listener: They feel so inferior.
Acharya Prashant: Wonderful! Wonderful! They need help, and they feel inferior. Oh, they are stinking within. They are stinking within. They actually need help. Now, why would you grudge someone who is himself or herself in need of help?
Listener: Sadism.
Acharya Prashant: So all kinds of sadism flow from inner misery. Right? Why will you take pleasure in showing somebody down if you are not suffering inside? Do you get this? So never, never believe this. Never accept that narrative that bullies or all kinds of wrongdoers do well in life. They become successful. They gain power and all that. Even if they seem to gain power or wealth or influence…
Listener: It's all the same.
Acharya Prahsant: They are still feeling suffocated within. They are still weeping within. They are still very, very miserable.
Questioner: So what about the victims who bear the consequences? Apparently, later in life also, they can't stand up for...
Acharya Prashant: You're right. But then, you know, physical abuse is one thing, which is factual. Somebody comes and hurts you on the leg, right? It's a factual injury. However, as we go through life, most of the wounds that we suffer are not on the body; they are on the mind. And the wounds on the body, they heal in due course. Biology takes care of that. There is a wound on the body; it will heal. But the wounds on the mind, they not only fester, they sometimes deepen with time. So when you're talking of the victim, let's be specific. We are talking of the one who allowed her mind to be wounded.
When your body is wounded, sometimes you are helpless with that. Somebody threw a stone at you, it wounded your body, you couldn't do anything about it. Fine, understood. But when your mind is wounded, you are a participant there. Internally, you cannot be wounded without your consent. Would you remember this? Externally, you can be wounded without your consent. Somebody can fire a shot at you, and you might fall dead.
Nobody took your consent before killing you. That can happen. But psychologically, internally, mentally, you cannot be wounded without your consent.
So if you are wounded, then in some sense you have been a participant. Now withdraw that participation. Say, "No, I am not going to play this game." And if you're not going to play that game, they cannot wound you. They can hurt you on the outside; they cannot hurt you on the inside. Don't allow those wounds to fester because in those wounds something called the ego celebrates. The ego needs those internal wounds, and that's why it preserves those wounds. We won't allow that internal wound to happen at all.
Externally, you can do something. I understand. Can't help it. Internally, I'm independent. Internally, I'm free. Internally, nobody can wound me without my consent.
Questioner: Can I ask you a follow-up question? So you mentioned that nobody can wound us internally without our consent. So how do we create that mental fortress in our head so we make sure nobody can hurt us internally?
Acharya Prashant: So we have to look at the process of that internal vulnerability. How do you get wounded within? How do you get wounded within?
Listener: When you let them, you give them the power to have that control over...
Acharya Prashant: That's it. You give them that power. And now a follow-up from my side. Why does one give them that power?
Listener: When they feel helpless.
Acharya Prashant: No. In exchange for certain benefits. Why otherwise would I allow that person to determine my self-worth, or whatever, or whatever? Surely I'm getting something from that person, and in exchange I allow that person to determine my internal state.
Listener: To seek acceptance.
Acharya Prashant: Acceptance, or anything, even physical goods, even physical sustenance, money, self-worth, or that thing that we call love, whatever, comfort. You allow the other to have undeserved access to your mind in exchange for certain benefits.
So the formula then is: reject those benefits. Simply say no. No, I do not want all that you are offering me and tempting me with. I refuse those temptations.
Listener: Do not pacify others. Acharya Prashant: Yes. One of the temptations is, "He will speak good of me. He will give me my presence and my identity." No, I do not want that from you. And when you do not want that from anybody, nobody gets the power to offend you internally. Always remember this. Whenever you are wounded internally, it has happened with your consent. So yes, the other is obviously to be blamed. But before we blame the others…
Questioner: Blame yourself.
Acharya Prashant: Blame yourself. The first thing to ask is, "What did I do to get hurt?" Because that fellow stands outside of me.
Questioner: So it starts with ourselves.
Acharya Prashant: Yes. The maximum he could have had access to is my outer self. He could have, you know, thrown a stone or tried something else. And if that happens, then the police are there. Fine. All the other authorities are there, so they'll take care of it. But internally, you get wounded only when you have opened that door for him or her to enter. And that door, remember, is always bolted and locked from within. So if the door has been flung open, the doing is your own. You have opened that door for the mischief-maker to enter.
And why did you open that door? Because he?
Questioner: He offered something.
Acharya Prashant: Because he offered something from the outside. "Hey, please open the door. I'm here with some goodies."
Listener: The wolf in disguise.
Acharya Prashant: Yes, the wolf in disguise, or whatever.
Questioner: It can be manipulation.
Acharya Prashant: Manipulation. Yes. But then I chose to be manipulated. What prevented me from inquiring more deeply? So probably that person came with the intent to manipulate and deceive. But then I could have asked more questions. I could have been sharper with my inquiry before opening the door. I could have used a clearer lens and waited more patiently, investigated more thoroughly. But I didn't do all that. Why? I hurried up. Why?
Questioner: Impatience.
Acharya Prashant: Where did that impatience come from?
Questioner: Desire.
Acharya Prashant: Desire. Oh, I got tempted. I got tempted, and then I got?
Questioner: Hurt.
Acharya Prashant: Hurt. You get this?
If you remember this, you'll be a very free and a very strong individual all your life. And when you are internally not wounded, only then can you be loving. A person who is miserable inside, wounded inside, will only share his wounds with everybody. When you are healthy within, then you can be loving, right?
