Always Chasing Validation?
Questioner: Hello sir. I've been following you for the last five or six years. I think what I've learned is, like, in a lot of my aspects of life, I feel, I'm always chasing validation. And I have never really understood that, in certain parts of my life, I feel like I don't need validation and those are not the good actions.
And there are certain parts where I feel, which are the good things which I know I should be doing, I need validation. And I get that validation for a certain time, but then I can't continue that action. So I would love to hear your thoughts on this.
Acharya Prashant: You can hear my being on this. I mean, I'm saying something to you that's not coming from any particular textbook or any pre-validated source. How do I know whether any of what I say to you makes any sense?
The moment the question arises, there's a problem. You have to be sure of yourself. You have to ask yourself, first of all, whether you are brutally honest in your dealings with others. You have to know for yourself that you are giving not just 100% but a little more than that to the other. Now you'll not need to look into the other's eyes and beg for validation.
I'm already doing the maximum possible. Now whether or not it pleases you, there is no way I can do anything extra or more. So if you say I am doing well, fine. And if you say I am doing poorly, that too is fine. So I don't need validation then. But that requires you to be ruthlessly honest with yourself first.
When the inner eye is missing, then the outer eye keeps roving. "Can you please certify that I'm talking sense? Can you please attest that I'm not an idiot? Can you please assure me that my decisions are correct?" All that happens when you are not talking a lot to yourself. Others should not become easy substitutes.
Your first relationship is with your own inner truth. And it's the most powerful source of validation.
Others, how will they ever know you beyond a point? There must be people in your life, right? You think you know them really well. No, you do not know people really well. How will anybody know you really well? So even if others validate what you are saying or doing, does that hold any value? This person does not know me, but he says, "Sir, you are great." Now this attestation — must it matter to me? He does not know me anyway at all. So even if he's certifying that I'm wonderful, why should I be inflated because of that? Are you getting it?
The only person who can know me well is 'me'. If I have to ask somebody, I'll ask myself. If I have to ask, "How am I doing?" I'll ask myself. But that would require you to be impartial —“Nirmam.” That's the word from Gita — “Nirmam.” That will require a certain detachment from oneself. A love for Truth rather than personal weaknesses.
Doesn't matter even if I have won the race. I know for myself I didn't run well. They might have given me the gold medal, but I know for myself. I'm not proud of how I ran. Are you getting this?
The problem is not that we go and seek validation from others. The problem is that we have a broken relationship with ourselves.
We keep talking about relationships. We don't talk of the first, most fundamental, most important relationship. All your life, you have to live basically with yourself. Even when you are with others, have you not experienced loneliness? You might be surrounded. You might be in a crowd and still there is loneliness. Not experienced that? Because you have to live with yourself.
So maintain that relationship. Do well there. And the word there is — honesty. Honesty. No trick, no magic, no formula can be a substitute for that. Honesty! All wisdom literature, all spiritual practices, all philosophy stops at that point, honesty, that little thing. Because there can be no proof.
If you say, you know, "I'm a fearless man," how can it be proven to you that you are not fearless? That's something internal. And in absence of honesty, you can continue nourishing your illusions and keep telling yourself, "I'm fearless. I'm fearless. I'm fearless."
If you say you don't have fever, the doctor here can prove to you that you have fever. Right? But if you say you don't have fear, how will I prove to you that you have fear?
Maybe, I can display that you are afraid in some situations. But you can come up with an argument and say, "No, no, no, this I was doing just to please you, just to humor you. I was not actually afraid. I was afraid by mistake. And even if I'm afraid, that's not my fault. I have been taught to be afraid. So that means I am not afraid. I have been taught to be afraid."
You can come up with any kinds of smart or cunning arguments. Therefore, what you need is honesty. Otherwise, there can be all kinds of devices and pretenses. And we are masters at it. Try telling somebody the truth, and the kind of resistance you get is bewildering. Anything can be accepted but truth is greeted with colossal resistance. And such arguments — you will be confounded. I mean, you might start thinking, maybe there's a point there.
The fellow might be an idiot but when it comes to defending his falsenesses, he becomes the wisest, the smartest man possible. Want to awaken somebody's potential? Make them resist the Truth, and they'll give it everything they have.
Be with yourself. Just honestly. And to be inspired to do that, and to believe that it can be done — read about people who live that way. Or, if you are very lucky, live with people who live that way. Usually we are not that lucky. So read about such people. Therefore, great literature is very important. Be all right with yourself.
I'm not saying you must not take others' opinions or feedback. That's all right. But the primary judge must sit within.
You need not look at yourself through others' eyes. The inner eye must be one's own. And that's all.
