Can't Say 'No'?

Questioner: I have somehow discovered that being a little altruistic, being a little selfless does make me feel that I’m elevating my consciousness. That is what works for me. And, there is this one problem associated with this kind of nature is, the problem of violation of boundaries.

So, suppose that, I want to help this person and I may put an effort to help this person, this is inherently linked with a kind of guilt at some point of time if I choose not to help that person, right? This leads me to violate my own interest at times. This makes me feel guilty when I want to say no. This makes me not call out people who have mistreated me or in such scenarios. So, how do we deal with this, how do we define that boundary, that up to this boundary, I’m ready to extra commit, extra but when this boundary is crossed, this is it. How do we define that?

Acharya Prashant: See, altruistic behavior or helpfulness, these are not ends in themselves. However, they are often recommended or taught because mostly, they go hand in hand with an elevated state of consciousness. Mostly, but not always. You’ve to remember what is the end and what is just a medium. Helpfulness is a medium, not an end in itself. You’ve to ask, “Is the helpfulness really delivering what anything is supposed to deliver, what anything must deliver to be of any worth?” If helpfulness is delivering that, only then what you are doing can be called as help in the real sense of the word. Otherwise, it’s not a help.

Somebody comes begging to you, “Help me, help me, please, help me, give me some cocaine. Please help me.” And, he is desperate, he’s crying, he’s begging. The only help he seeks from you is the powder that he wants. Now here, you’ve to be clear about the real meaning of the word ‘help.’ Now, in this instance, help as we usually know it, is not aligned with the elevation of consciousness, right? As we normally use the word ‘help’, help is about giving something to the one who desperately needs it, right?

A fellow comes begging desperately for something, you give that thing to that person is called help. That’s the normal usage of the word. But here, this case highlights clearly how help can be very disastrous, which means that help, etc. that so-called good qualities are not ends in themselves. Any good quality is good only to the extent it elevates consciousness. Beyond that, that good quality is of no use, beyond that, that good quality is in fact bad.

Now, because we do not know that the real objective is consciousness itself, hence we keep overdoing the so-called good things, and also we keep absolutely rejecting the so-called bad things. Now, giving poison to someone is a bad thing, right? Giving poison to someone is a bad thing, is it not?

Questioner: Generally, yes.

Acharya Prashant: What else do you give as an anti-venom to a person suffering from a snake bite? But if you tell someone, “You know, I just poisoned him,” you give somebody an antivenom shot and then go and tell a random stranger on the road, “There is a person inside, I poison him”; he will declare you a criminal. He’ll probably call the police, “This fellow just poisoned somebody.” The fact is that, poison in this case is life-saving.

So, even poison is not something necessarily to be avoided. Help is not necessarily good, poison is not necessarily bad. These are not ends in themselves. The end has to be remembered. The end in the case of human beings, our species, is consciousness. What is this thing doing to my mind, how do I know whether relationship is good or not? Ask, “What is it doing to my mind?” No other criteria is valid, only this. “What is it doing to my mind?”

The mind’s nature is realization, freedom, simplicity, truth. Is this relationship setting me free? Is it bringing me closer to the truth? Or, is it pushing me into deeper bondage?

So, always remember the one thing that you need to remember, all else is secondary. We all know how important vaccines are, and you, for sure know as student of science, what you put into your body as vaccine. What is it? It’s a diluted dose of the virus itself. So, even getting infected is not necessarily bad. That’s what all the research labs, WHO, and all the doctors are doing. They are putting the virus in your body. You tell someone, ”I just put virus in that fellow’s body,” he’ll say, “See, irresponsible and hateful.”

You’ve to remember the end. If the end is remembered, practically anything can be a means to that end. If the end is remembered, no means is important. Only that particular means is important that leads to the end at any particular moment. And, you don’t need to stick to any particular means. Because, life changes, so means have to change. The end alone is changeless, the end alone is endless. Everything else must come to an end, except the end itself.

Questioner: I was trying to investigate what you were saying in my own life. Just to figure out, where this dynamic is visible maximum. And, I figured out that it is visible maximum in scenarios, where I’m not clear whether the person who is asking for help, the help is actually going to benefit them or not, or I should be more clear, and I should be more truthful and I say that where I feel that I become week enough to not be able to see them in a state of pain, of immediate pain but benefit in the long run. Because I may know that this, right now is painful for them, but maybe beneficial for them in the long run but then I become weak as soon as people grow closer to me to choose that weakness.

Acharya Prashant: Then, you have to intelligently operate. Obviously, as a human being, you want to help the other to get rid of his immediate pain. Here, you need to be a bit tactful. Here, you need to operate in a way where both the things happen. To some extent, the current pain reduces, and mostly, the fellow is enabled not to fall in pain again. You see, that’s the characteristic of real help. If you are helping someone really, then you would be reducing his need to seek help again and again. So, test your action of help on this criteria, I’ve helped him in this instance, now, is this enabling him to operate independently of any help? Or, will he come repeatedly to me to again seek help. Reduce his need to be helped, that’s the real help.

Questioner: Just one final doubt where this has been pointed to and that is, say when we talk about scenarios like romantic relationships that are based on the inherent… I don’t know how I put this. There is this kind of need or there is this kind of identity association with the other person. So, we have this scenario that if we actually enable them that they no longer feel the need of that relationship, if we truly enable them that they no longer feel that that relationship may add value to them in the future. Then, this actually may be the point where the relationship starts getting destroyed.

Acharya Prashant: Scary thought, right? If that fellow no longer needs my help, why will the relationship exist at all?

Questioner: Not help, if the fellow no longer feels that this is something he can’t come to in the need of crisis…

Acharya Prashant: He must come to. So, if that fellow is no longer needy, if that fellow is no longer needy, will the relationship exist at all? Is that not a very disturbing rather a scathing comment on the nature of most of our relationships? They are need-based. You fulfil my need. You scratch my back I scratch your back. Not good to hear, and much worse to live.

And, your fear is that if this mutual dependence is no more there, then this relationship would cease to exist. Yes, the relationship would cease to exist in the form it currently exists. And, the current form is hardly any good, don’t you agree? The relationship right now is mutually parasitic. Two parasites feeding upon each other. I can’t live without you; you can’t live without me. I suck your blood, you suck my blood. And, the deeper is your dependency, the more you say, you love me. This is just not good, this is just not good.

And also, relax, when you are mentally evolved, that does not mean that you are left with zero relationships; you are left with healthy relationships. The problem is, mostly we only know sick relationships. So, if we are told that we can’t have sick relationships that translates into we can have no relationships. If I only have rotten fruits on my table and somebody says, ‘You can’t have rotten fruits,” to me that translates into you can’t have any fruits because everything is rotten.

Don’t be afraid. Nice, juicy fresh fruits do exist, and all of us are eligible for them. There is no need to discount your eligibility. There is no need to think that life is condemned to be lived in stinky relationships. Things can get better. Even with the same person, you can have a much better relationship. The persons need not necessarily change. Even with the two or three or five or whatever, persons remaining the same, the relationship can be completely new and healthy. But that will require obviously a lot of work, discipline, a lot of love actually, a lot of wisdom.

You cannot just operate on the back of your normal, personal, social knowledge and hope to have a truly healthy relationship. That won’t happen. Knowledge of the kind that can transform a relationship can only come from spiritual sources, not social sources. T.V. and media, and stand-up comics, and your neighbor, and apocryphal wisdom will not enable you to have true relationships. All you’ll have is replicas of the kind of relationships you see all around you. In family, in the neighborhood, in the movies, in the past, in the social media, don’t you see relationships there? So, wisdom coming from those very same sources will not allow you to have better relationships. You require wisdom from elevated sources if you want elevated relationships.

Questioner: So, if I can just extend this and ask a final question. So, what according to you should be kind of the metric based on which we should evaluate, whether this person, this relationship that we have is healthy for us or not?

Acharya Prashant: To begin with freedom. Have you been engaged or encaged? Mostly, when you are engaged, you are actually encaged. Freedom. The true self is another name for freedom. And, ego is another name for bondages. Any relationship that brings bondages to your life is just not the real thing.

Wisdom. Can you see things in a sharper light? Does the person, this recent thing I said to someone, “Does the person bring you roses or books?” Is that not a credible enough indicator that one of the diseases of consciousness is body identification? The more body identified your consciousness is, the more-lowly is the life you are living. Is the person making you more of a body? In the presence of that person, do you feel more bodily? More body identified? Does that person look at you primarily as a body?

Runaway. It’s a very, very bad relationship. What is the content of the usual discussion between the two of you? Is it about the wisdom or is it just mediocre, animalistic body-centric gossip? What do the two of you do when you get together? Do you talk literature, do you talk wisdom, do you talk science, do you talk climate change, do you talk philosophy, or do you talk breasts and hips?

You have to figure out there are very powerful indicators. You cannot miss them unless you are intent on deliberately missing them.

Questioner: Namaskar, Acharya Ji. I’m Shrutika. I’m a second-year undergraduate from the Department of Mechanical Engineering. So, as Devang was talking about, saying no to people and giving focus on your own things. So, I’ve observed this mostly happens in work-related relationships. For example, we have our colleagues, they need help from us, but at times, this happens that we are busy with personal stuff and we won’t be able to help them and as Devang said, “After some time you have that regret that you were not available for that person.” So, I had the same question, due to that regret you keep on giving up, giving to that person, giving in, and every time what we do is that we sacrifice ourselves. So, to what extent, sacrificing is right?

Acharya Prashant: No, sacrificing is something wonderful. But what is the definition of sacrifice? What is sacrifice? Giving up on something of little value for the sake of something of higher value, that’s sacrifice. And, therefore, sacrifice is an affirmative thing. It’s a constructive, productive thing.

Sacrifice is not just about negating or renouncing; sacrifice is actually about creating. Sacrifice is about creating something. Sacrifice is not a negative word; sacrifice is the most positive word you can think of. Positive in the sense of it being very pro-life, it being creative, and constructive, it gives rise to something. In fact, you cannot create anything worthwhile if you do not sacrifice something relatively worthless, or can you?

I’m pretty sure, at this moment, all of you had other competing things to do as well. At least, I had a lot of things that I could have done at this very moment. I sacrificed on those things to be here with you. And, I’m glad I did. Because this, in my assessment, is a higher thing to participate in.

So, there always are these trade-offs. What is sacrifice? Sacrifice is a great trade-off. And, that’s why even in the most ancient of scriptures, you find the word sacrifice. And, you find it around the world. And, obviously, sacrifice is not about slaughtering an animal, or just offering milk or something or money or clothe to the deity. Sacrifice is a much deeper psychological concept. Sacrifice is a recipe for mental health.

Are you getting it?

Now, if this is what sacrifice is, then it should be easy for you to know whether you’re sacrificing rightly. See whether your sacrifice is creating something bigger than the thing sacrificed. I gave up on something small, check whether something bigger has been created. Otherwise, it’s a bad trade-off, no? To give up on ten rupees for the sake of two, poor arithmetic. Similarly, poor sacrifice.

Getting it?

The rider here is that in real life, things are not so easy to quantify. You will not know whether something is worth rupees two or ten very easily. Especially, if stuff is intangible. For example, you’ve to sacrifice your pizza for your sister. Now, the pizza you know, costs rupees four hundred, but what’s the quantum of love or affection between you and your sister that’s aided by the sacrifice that you cannot know. You also do not know that giving up on the pizza was actually good for your sister. She might already be fat, she might already be addicted to pizza. That’s where you require wisdom to know the value of something in life.

Wisdom is essentially about a sound value system. What is worth having, what is worth valuing, what is important, what is not. And, what is important? To begin with, freedom is important, truth is important, clarity is important, compassion is important. These are important things, and they have very high value. And if they have very high value, then something small can be sacrificed for them.

Are you getting it?

But, if your sacrifice is not in the direction of love, truth, compassion, and clarity, then your sacrifice is going waste. Then, it’s just an exercise and just some kind of morality. This sacrifice will not help you, or the sacrifice thing, or the one receiving the sacrifice.

Questioner: Yes, sir. But there are points when you have that time. There’s this thing, my sister asked for pizza from me. At that moment, I’ll give it to her. And afterwards, I realized that wasn’t good for her. Even this time happens, I won’t give her pizza. And afterwards, I feel that I didn’t give her pizza, she is feeling bad. So, this thing of regret I feel every time when I do something. While doing it, I don’t realize that. After some time, this regret comes.

Acharya Prashant: That regret is there only because you do not know the value of the thing sacrificed versus the thing obtained. Okay, let me clarify with an example.

Let’s say, you come to know that somebody sacrificed her entire bank account for the sake of a packet of peanuts. What would you say? You’ll say, “It’s a bad trade-off.” Right? Just for peanuts, she gave up on his entire bank balance. And, there is regret now. You used the word regret, right? Now there is regret. Let’s say, you are that person, and you’ll be very regretful. “Oh, I have given up on my entire account for the sake of peanuts.” But if you go closer and examine, and find that your bank account had only two rupees. Are you still regretful? That’s the thing, you do not know the value of the thing, therefore you are regretting.

Sacrifice must always involve something of smaller value compromised for something of larger value. Otherwise, there will be indecision and regret. You’ll just not know what has been lost and what has been gained. So, you’ll have mood swings. Sometimes you’ll feel, “Oh, something nice has happened. It’s good I sacrifice.” Sometimes, you’ll change your mind, and say, “No-no-no, it was a bad decision.” Because you do not concretely know the value of stuff.

Value you can know when you go close to something. You have to know that thing, you’ve to know yourself, and that determines the value of the thing, right? What is the value of something? The value of something is only as much as it aids your own liberation. That’s the value of the thing. Something that takes you to freedom should never be sacrificed. Right?

Something that brings you the truth should never be sacrificed because freedom and truth are invaluable. Whereas, something that feeds your body can be sacrificed, not a big deal. Something that just entertains you can be sacrificed, not a big deal. Something that just feeds your ego inflates you can be given up, not a big deal.

The art of valuation, that’s the real thing. Learn, what is valuable in life. Never sacrifice that. And, for the sake of what is valuable, everything else can be sacrificed. Then, there’ll be no regrets. In clarity, there are no regrets.

Questioner: Yes, sir. So, if we take the same thing in terms of time. There is this one hour I have, and I have to give it to myself or to my friend. So, in that case, as well, how do I evaluate whether this time, should I give it to myself, to me or to my friends?

Acharya Prashant: How do you shouldn’t have been watching Netflix last two hours?

Questioner: Because I know this is a productive session.

Acharya Prashant: What is the definition of productivity?

Questioner: You gain something from it.

Acharya Prashant: What something?

Questioner: Anything.

Acharya Prashant: We are not having this conversation for anything. There is something very concrete this session is for. What is that thing?

Questioner: Okay, this session is for conversation between us.

Acharya Prashant: Conversation is the method. What is the aim of this session?

Questioner: To clear our minds.

Acharya Prashant: So, that’s what is important. That’s what has value. Clarity. Clear up your mind as you said, clarity. So, that will enable you to know where to spend that one hour. Spend that one hour where you get clarity.

Avoid places where you get even more fogged up, where even the clarity you get gets surrounded by haze. Avoid people who stand as obstacles to clarity, who will not allow you to think freely, who put fear in your mind or tempt you with greed, or who create situations in which you just cannot be attentive and look at life. Those are the things, places, and times to be avoided.

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