Do You Really Need a Relationship to Feel Complete?
Questioner: Namaste Acharya Ji. So I was going through the book and when I read about companionship, I was wondering, actually, I watched a lot of videos on companionship and everything. So I was wondering, if someone is mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually okay with themselves, why would they want to look for a companion?
Acharya Prashant: They don’t look for a companion. Then they become great companions to those who need companionship. But what you’re talking of is an advanced level where the need to have someone else acting as a mirror for you diminishes greatly.
See, the role of the companion is to reflect the reality back to you and therefore uplift you.
So, when you reach a level of upliftment where an external hand is no longer necessary, you can say, “I don’t need any companion.” But that’s the goal. That is also the goal, right?
So yes, progressively, the need to be around somebody all the time, the need to be surrounded, the need to have a shoulder or a hand, this should definitely keep diminishing. But as it diminishes, that does not really make one an asocial person. As that need diminishes, one becomes in fact more and more useful to society, because now I don’t need support, but I can offer support.
Questioner: So in that case, what are the right reasons to choose a companion or go for a companion?
Acharya Prashant: It’s this way, one starts from where one is. As we are, we are anyway by default looking for company. That’s how most people are, right? And since they are anyway looking for company, hence it is advised that they must be discreet about their company. Because there is something within us that is always looking to relate, always looking to hold a hand, form a bond, get associated, even get identified.
Since that exists by default, look at the kid that is born, even the kid experiences loneliness and wants company. So, since we anyway are looking for somebody to be around, therefore it is said that you better have some vivek in choosing the right person to be with.
But that does not mean that you must always have someone around. A point comes when even that discretion is no longer needed, becomes irrelevant, you exceed your need to have a friend or a partner or whatever. And then you become truly valuable, because now you can go out and radiate the message and be of tremendous help. Otherwise,
Usually in the name of a relationship, we are just seeking help, not offering help. At most, we are exchanging pleasure, and that is not help.
Questioner: And say, in case we have not yet reached the level where we don’t feel the need, suppose one feels the need, in that case, the best option is to be discreet about it.
Acharya Prashant: Very discreet about it, because slowly one becomes the company one keeps.
Questioner: Yes.
Acharya Prashant: The thing, the object, the person, the idea we choose to be with causes a displacement in your very center. You and the object you’re associated with form a pair. Each one changes the other. You determine the one you be with, and the one you are with will determine what you become. So these two go hand in hand. Yes, one needs to be very cautious.
Questioner: So while we are on the journey, suppose with that person we have made the decision, and then we reach a point where we don’t feel the need, then?
Acharya Prashant: That's life.
Questioner: Then, should we still be with that person?
Acharya Prashant: Human compassion must still exist, but the relationship, the nature of the relationship, must evolve now.
Questioner: So while being with that person, we can still be.
Acharya Prashant: Yes, I mean, it’s not as if it’s a use-and-throw kind of situation where you used someone for your growth and once you have outgrown that person, then you decide and become away. Not that. But the nature of association should definitely mirror reality.
You were one person when, let’s say, the relationship started, and now you are another person, and this change must reflect in the nature of the relationship. You cannot say, “Because I used to behave in this way with this person five years back, I’ll continue to hold the same practice, the same mood, the same ritual, the same identity, the same mask,” even after you have graduated to being somebody else. There’s no need to do that. If you have evolved, improved, let that show in the relationship.
Questioner: So we can be a different person in the same relationship.
Acharya Prashant: You have to be. That’s the demand of truth. Otherwise, you are…
Questioner: Not evolving.
Acharya Prashant: you are deceiving, not just yourself, but even the other. We say we don’t want to hurt the other, therefore we must act like the person we were in the past. But if you don’t display who you really are, aren’t you deceiving this very person you are aiming not to hurt?
Questioner: Yes. And we have to keep evolving anyway.
Acharya Prashant: Therefore, the relationship must have enough space for truth. If the two of you have to lie to each other, then the relationship does of no ways.
Questioner: Thank you. I watched so many videos, but I was still confused. Thank you so much.
