Why 'Feel-Good' Relationships Are a Trap

Questioner: Good afternoon, sir. My name is Devang Sharma. I had a very close friend with whom I used to share my daily conversations. Due to a small conflict, we did not rebuild that bond because of our egos.

So, I was reading a book, “Truth About Apology,” and I went through a quotation which says: fight the right ones, only the right ones, and ignore the small conflicts.

So it made me wonder, how can we recognize that these conflicts are small ones, and we can actually surrender ourselves in front of our egos so that we can safeguard a relationship that actually matters?

Acharya Prashant: No. For that, you must know what you really want. Any trouble that you accept for that which is really important is great, and even the smallest trouble that you accept for something trivial is a wastage.

How to decide what is really important? For that, you have to know your present condition. Right? If I am someone captivated by fear; the central idea of my life is fear. Then what is really important for me? Freedom from fear. Right?

So what is really important is a subjective thing. It depends on you. Nobody else can tell it. You have to know where your current problems lie. But most of us are so busy at the surface of life, we do not even know our deep diseases. Right? And often it happens inwardly. You may be troubled or sick, but because the symptoms are hidden, you remain confident that all is right. No?

You have to get into your own life, thoughts, feelings, actions, decisions, and see what holds you back. And freedom from what holds you back is the most important. That is what is most important. And then you can accept whatever price you have to pay for that most important thing. So it all starts from you.

I look at myself; I figure out my bondages. Right? Freedom from those bondages is what is really, really important. And then, for that freedom, whatever I have to do is worth it. If it’s a struggle I must enter, I accept it. If it’s a company I must keep, I am prepared to be there to accept the conditions. Right? So it starts from an honest observation of one’s own life. One must know where one internally stands. Right? No point lying to oneself. No point behaving all is hunky-dory, all is wonderful, when inwardly you are carrying phobias and anxieties and tensions and fears of the future, what will happen to me? What are others thinking of me?

You get in touch with yourself, and whatever is seen as the bondage, the burden has to be kept aside. It’s not easy, because the bondage is present in the first place because one is attached to it. So there is a price to be paid. Once you have figured out what needs to be done, no price is too much. And then there are so many trivial things. Even if you are getting them for free, keep them aside, because they are of no use towards your inner life.

Someone who will be a soothsayer to you, someone who will act as a mirror to you, is worth being with, even if that person troubles you. It’s all right. I don’t like his ways or mannerisms or whatever, I don’t like. But that’s a small thing, that’s just the surface of being: how one behaves, how one talks, or what kind of clothes one wears. Fine. All that can be accepted. The real thing is that this person brings deep value to my life, deep value. So all else can then be very happily tolerated.

On the other hand, there are those who make you happy on the surface but add no inner value, no deep value, to your life, right?

You feel like being with them because the moment they enter the room, they bring some rainbow, lots of colors, right? And birds chirping, and fragrance, and aromas. You know such people. They enter a room and suddenly everything goes vibrant. You say, “You know, look at this one. He’s the life of the party, so vivacious, so spunky. He’s a live wire.” These are the kind of words we use, right?

And if you are a little sad, the fellow will come to you and just hug you or give you a solid pat on the back and say, “What’s wrong? Life is there to be enjoyed.” And you’ll actually feel good, and all that is okay. The question is: is this fellow adding any real or deep value to my life? My fears remain as they were. Just that he comes and gives me certain sedatives, not even sedatives, antidepressants. This fellow is a dopamine shot. This fellow comes and makes me smile. But the smile vanishes, does it not?

If your smile is dependent on someone, the fellow leaves, the smile leaves. So this kind of company you feel good with. But this feel-good company is no good. No good at all.

Though mostly such people get a lot of traction in social life. They are invited. They have a huge network. They are waited for, right? They are even loved. You take a group picture; they’ll be seen at the center.

Don’t be one of them, and don’t keep one of them too near, because all that is self-deception. The fellow has come to you, and if you see, it is cruel in some sense. All this is violence in some sense.

You may have brain cancer, and that’s why you are experiencing a headache, right? Consider a situation. You may have brain cancer actually, and that’s why you are experiencing a headache, and you are sitting a little dull and down. And this fellow comes and plays fine music and starts dancing, serves you some fine beer, and music, and drinks, and this and that.

For fifteen minutes, you forget your headache, and you feel deeply grateful to this person. Right? Fifteen minutes, and he has actually done something remarkable. You forgot your headache, and you are all smiles. And he’s telling you, “You know, life is meant to be lived, and we should always be smiling and happy.” And he tells you a nice joke also, such a nice joke and you laugh, laugh, and you have forgotten your headache.

Fifteen minutes or half an hour later, he leaves, and you are left with the cancer. Is this not cruel? You needed immediate diagnosis and hospitalization. Instead, this fellow has further delayed that. Is that not violence? Think of it. His presence has further delayed your diagnosis and therefore treatment. His presence has actually pushed you closer to death. Is that not violence?

Questioner: We can think in another perspective that anyway he is going to die, so he just died before.

Acharya Prashant: What if he can be saved? And how do you know he is going to die? Are you the doctor? Without even going to the doctor, our lady is quick to conclude this one was anyway dying, so I better give him some beer. Instead of medicine, she is very happy with the beer. How does that sound, lady?

Questioner: Sir, but for fifteen minutes he gave that joy, right? For fifteen minutes he was there for you.

Acharya Prashant: That he delayed his diagnosis for fifteen minutes. Those fifteen minutes could have been life-saving.

Now take it to the extreme. You have heard of the golden period after a cardiac event, heard of it? If there is a cardiac event, after that there is a certain period of time that’s called the golden period. What is meant is that if within this period you can take this person to the hospital, maybe he can be saved. Maybe. And not all cardiac events are the filmy type, where you hold it like this and you just lie down and fall and all those things. There are certain silent events also. Heard of them? You can have a silent heart attack.

She will feel a little pain here (pointing towards the Heart), you'll be a little uneasy. Yeah? And even one arm can pain, but it'll not be very dramatic. So you just had one of those cardiac events, the silent ones, and this one comes and says, "Let's have beer." And the golden period was just 15 minutes. Those 15 minutes were all that you had to be taken to the hospital, and they could have been life-saving. But then we are used to spending life on the surface and never looking for the deep sickness. Right?

If someone is a little dull, offer a chocolate or tell a joke or something, or some music, or some random gossip. That has become the way of life, and that only worsens the sickness within. Please understand. That only worsens the sickness within. It's like playing good music because your car is making funny sounds.

Your car is making funny sounds. So, you decide to push up the volume, and then you won't hear all the noise; just that, that's destroying your tires even further. Maybe you have a puncture, and that's where the noise is coming from. Now, instead of stopping the car and getting down and addressing the puncture, you decide to turn up the volume, so you won't hear what's really happening. But that would mean that the tire is now fully destroyed. You have kept driving on a flat tire.

Questioner: Good evening, sir. I'm Sonia. So my question is, sir, I tend to get attached to people really fast and I overshare with them. So what happens, I regret it later, and the process that comes after it is detachment.

So that process is very difficult, and my productivity goes down to zero, probably some days negative, you can say. So sir, while reading your book, I saw a quote. It says, "Hurt is the opportunity to see where you are still deluded and dependent." So can you please explain to me something more about this?

Acharya Prashant: What gets hurt when you say you got hurt? Is it that you are bleeding from the shoulder, or you have a broken nose? What gets hurt?

Questioner: Expectations.

Acharya Prashant: Expectations, right? So, you expect that, you know, whatever, that this (pointing to a black cup of tea) is containing something, this, that whatever, or this is white. But this was never white. It hasn't changed colors. This was always black. But you have some desire, for some reason, for white. And desire makes you an optimist. So even as I said, I have a mug with me. Guess the color. And immediately she said white. But this was always black. It didn't cheat. It didn't deceive. This was always black. Why did you expect it to be white? Now whose fault is it?

Questioner: Mine.

Acharya Prashant: Desire made you blind. So you raised expectations that could anyway never have been fulfilled. And when those expectations are belied, then you blame the other one, object, saying, "I want to break this mug. This should have been white. Why? Is it obliged to fulfill your expectations?" But we place the burden of our expectations on something. It could be a mug or whatever, right? I have expectations. So, I want you to behave the way I like.

The question is, is he even capable of behaving the way you like? Are you getting it? So this is a mere mug. Your expectations don't exceed a limit. But when it comes to human beings, the expectations are sky-high. My partner is my God.

You must worship your husband or wife or mate like a god or goddess, at least like a prince or princess. Have you even looked at his face closely? From what angle does he look like a prince? But your expectation is that the fellow must be a prince, and then after some time you say he is a cheat. He should have been a prince, but he turned out a pauper. Even one burger he tells me to pay for. You are supposed to be a prince. Did you ever take his consent?

He would have maybe honestly told you, "I'm not a prince. I'm a very ordinary person." And we all are ordinary, right? But think of all those who have great expectations from us ordinary beings. And many times those expectations are set without any kind of consent from the object of expectation. Just as we never asked this mug, "Are you white? If not white, then do you want to be white?" Nothing was asked. Just expectations randomly were placed on it. And then this was cursed. "You're not just black. You have black intentions as well."

What has the poor thing done?

This is the way it always is. It didn't conspire to hurt you. You got hurt because you were wallowing in dreams. You were rolling in fluff. You're riding the clouds. And if you ride the clouds, you will fall. Why blame the earth? “This one hurt me.” But the earth has been that way…, always.

You fall from the 21st floor and you break your bones. Is the earth to be blamed? The earth didn't suddenly turn hard in order to hurt you. The earth has always been like that, and you knew that, and yet you jumped, and now you are hurt. Who's to be blamed?

So when you are hurt, figure out what it is that you are sharing with others. You said when you are hurt, you overshare with others. Oversharing, I don't know what that means, but if you're sharing something, most probably it is a story of your victimization. That's what you love to share after each episode of hurt. No? “I need a shoulder to weep on. He hurt me." And then your best friends are those who abuse the one who supposedly hurt you. Yes. Yes. I always knew he's a rascal. But good riddance. Great that he's gone. I'll fetch you a new one. And the new one is the one I have just disposed of. So you can take him now.

Questioner: Sir, but when it comes to people, let's say when we meet them, they behave in such a way like they're very reliable; you can share with them, but sir, then after some days, they're like a 180° turn.

Acharya Prashant: You go to a shopkeeper, will he ever tell you how his goods really are? And you know that in advance, and we all are shopkeepers. So why do you just blindly take his word, right? Because he's not doing something new or unknown. We two do the same thing, right? We too have a shop to take care of, because our relations do not really come from love. They are an exchange. We barter, and when you barter, then you always want to overprice what you have. Right? And you always want to underprice what the other has. So we do the same thing.

And yet when the same thing is done to us, we act as if it's something new and novel. How is it new? All of us are master practitioners of the same kind of salesmanship. Are we not? Look at how our drawing rooms are, and guest rooms are versus how our backyards and living rooms are. Which is the most presentable room in the household? Please tell me.

Questioner: The drawing room.

Acharya Prashant: The drawing room, and what is that?

Questioner: A show to people.

Acharya Prashant: Ah! Salesman. That's what you call as putting the best foot forward.

Why do you have two separate piles or drawers? These are the clothes for regular use. And this is for when I go out. Why? Are they different fits? Same fit. Then why two different piles?

Questioner: To project ourselves.

Acharya Prashant: To project yourself as better, you know. The moment you return to your home or room, you throw away the costume and come to your regular wear. Right? So that's how the world is. That's how each one of us is. And you know that.

Then the question is different. Then the question is, if we already know that, why were we taken in? How did the other manage to deceive us? We should have known well in advance that the person is just presenting an inflated self, a false face. Why didn't we see that? You didn't see that because you didn't want to see that.

I'll give you an example. Okay, let's say you are on a diet, you're on a diet and still you crave for ice cream, right? So you go to the ice cream seller and you ask him, "Bhaiya, how many calories? How many calories are in this cup or scoop?" and he says, "1.5 kilo calories,” right? And you'll eagerly want to believe him because you are already craving for ice cream.

You are educated. You're sensible. You know very well that that quantity of ice cream cannot be anything less than 100 or 200 kilo calories. You know that very well. You very well know the fellow is lying to you. This cannot be 1.5. But he will say 1.5 so that you buy it, and you will believe that it is 1.5 because you want it.

So it's a mutual deception. Why do you say that he has hurt you? You were so ready to believe his lies. In fact, you would have gotten angry had he said, "This is 300 kilo calories. You fat one, don't even touch this," whereas he would have been a well-wisher had he told this to you, right? Because it's you who is on a diet.

And let's say he's a genuinely nice fellow and he tells you, "Don't take this. You're already overweight and this is 300 kilo calories." You won't like him. Would you? Tell me honestly. Would you like him in that moment of overpowering desire? Would you like him if he tells the Truth? No. So we love liars. We love liars. Sweet lies. Sweet lies. What does the cover page say?

Questioner: Truth Without Apology.

Acharya Prashant: What more about lies?

For those, tired of sweet lies. We love to believe sweet lies. We have a stake in believing sweet lies.

But lies are lies. They have no feet. They stand on no ground. They will collapse. And when they collapse, we say, "Come console me." And when they come to console you, then you say, "But I overshared with them and now they are exploiting me."

Now, what kind of cycle is this? Are we our own friends in the first place? Do we wish ourselves well? Think of this.

The world does not need to do anything to deceive you. You beg to be deceived. On the contrary, if the world does not deceive you, you dislike the world.

Think of the ice cream seller who tells you of the 300 kilo calories. You'll not return to him. Never. Think of the ice cream seller who tells you, "No, nothing. 1 calorie." You take it. In fact, this is containing a special thinning ingredient. The more ice cream you take, the more weight you lose. And you'll say, "Ah! that's what. Give me an entire brick. Give me one dozen cones." And then you find that same brick has broken your head. And then you weep. What to do? No?

Desire will never allow you to see the truth. The world does not need to deceive you. Your own desire is enough. And deception does not happen after desire. Desire itself is deception.

You have told yourself, "This desire will fulfill me." Right? Deception has already begun. You may get what you desire to get. But that proves of no avail. But you have successfully, very successfully, convinced yourself that if you get this or this or that, then life will be heavenly. Right? Each of us has some idea of the future, some vision, some picture, some great desire, some hope, some dream. If I get that, that will turn my life upside down.

So, deception has already happened. The world need not deceive you. It is an inner deception. It is self-deception that you have already inflicted on yourself.

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