Let Closeness Not Become A Cage
Questioner: Namaskar Acharya Ji, I'm Dr. Rakshit. I'm a final year student in Lady Medical College. So my question is from chapter 67, named “When Closeness Becomes a Cage.” So if someone is married, by default that situation becomes a situation of closeness. So how can we, in that situation, avoid it from becoming a cage? Especially if the other partner is not interested in any kind of spirituality or anything.
Acharya Prashant: Marriage, we understand, is a ubiquitous, almost compulsory institution for most people. But still, there is a lot of room within it for you to define the nitty-gritties, the intricacies, right? Marriage is a very broad framework, and you must exercise your right to define its internal contours.
The chapter you are quoting says: let closeness not become a cage. Now, why can't you define closeness within marriage? Why does each marriage have to be a replica of a million others between you and your partner to define what marriage is going to mean for you? Why must closeness imply clinging? I'm asking. Why must that be the norm? Why must that mean that the two have to stick together all day? Let there be protocols, simple, direct, loving protocols.
If you call me up and I don't respond, don't ring me again and again. Give me at least half an hour. Why should it be necessary that the two necessary cohabitate in the same room? Why should that be a compulsion? I'm asking.
Fine, you are married. We wish you to be a happy couple. But why does being a happy couple mean that you are continuously seen in physical proximity to each other? Is that a scriptural command? I'm asking. Do the scriptures anywhere necessitate that?
Please understand, we are limited beings, each one of us, and let's honor that fact. And limitation means boundaries. To be limited is to have a boundary. Any successful marriage will have boundaries. And if you don't know how to respect those boundaries, be it a commercial partnership, a friendship, a marriage, or even the relationship between parents and kids, they'll fall apart.
So get rid of the romantic notion that the two of us have now dissolved into each other and therefore there are no boundaries.
If the two of you dissolve into each other, there would only be conflict, because the fact is that each one of us is indeed limited.
As they say, good fences make good neighbors. We think that applies only to neighbors or relative strangers. No, that applies to any two human beings. You must know where to stop. You must know that. You cannot be at the other all the time.
Spend quality time with each other and then leave each other free, both physically and psychologically. Don't demand or expect that you would be present in the other's mind all the time.
Each one of us is a big sky within us, and it is futile, rather exploitative, to expect that you would dominate the other's internal sky totally — though that's what is expected in the name of love. And the other starts gloating when you tell that: "I have been thinking continuously of you throughout the day." If that is happening, that is rather sick. That means you have nothing purposeful to do in life except thinking of someone of the other gender in an emotional, romantic, fundamentally sexual way. Let there be well-defined limits.
I often question the very concept of the double bed itself. Why must there be this kind of compulsion to sleep together? Meet when the weather is fine. Otherwise, you have your life to live, and you have your own room to live, even being in the same house. Why should it make it a compulsion to continuously snore by the other side, and who likes that?
Nobody can enjoy that. But that has become some kind of an institution. The double bed is an institution. And just habitually and compulsorily sleeping together is a ritual. When that happens, then marriage is nothing but a burden. And that's why we have so many husband-wife jokes. No? Because the two are always at each other's throat, trying to dominate each other, possess each other, own the other, control the other.
See, the only genuine relationship two human beings can have, irrespective of gender or whatever, is friendship. Let's face it, right? Apart from friendship, no relationship can have deep foundations. The thing will be shaky. The thing will be seasonal. And friends give ample room to each other. They are available, right? But not dominant. Yes, I'm available, but I'm not omnipresent.
We want to play gods and goddesses to our people, our partners. We want to be omnipresent for them, right? “Carry me as your wallpaper.” I mean everything. Everything. “Let's eat together, this, that.”
Questioner: Call me five to ten times a day, and every time.
Acharya Prashant: You see, if you want that kind of freedom, also learn to give the same freedom, right? The deal is mutual.
The one who tries to dominate you is offering to be dominated in return. Reject the deal. Say, “I don't want to dominate you, nor will I allow you to dominate me.” And that is what is called really love. Love does not mean that you are defined by the other, that some person becomes the very center of your life. That is not love. No person in the entire universe, living or dead, is big enough to become the center of your life. No single person has that kind of worth. No.
And then we are not talking about the avatars, the great scientists, and the age-defining personalities over here. We are talking about simple couples, right? Obviously, the one you are with is a very, very common, very ordinary individual, who does not deserve in any way to become the center of your universe. And one should have that kind of humility. Even if your partner says or tells you, "You have become my life," refuse. Who are we to become somebody's life? God? Who are we?
And the moment you accept that, even silently, somebody comes to you and says, "You are my life, you are my god, you are everything," and you accept that, that's the moment the other will start expecting and dominating. She'll say, "Since I have handed over everything to you, therefore now I have to guard you. Because you carry all that I have, since you carry all that I have, I'll have to be very possessive about you." So even if someone is willingly trying to submit himself or herself to you, see that as dangerous and refuse.
“No, no, no. I don't want your life. Yes, we can be friends, good friends. Let our friendship be very, very deep. But don't surrender to me. Don't say, ‘I am your lord or your life.’ No, I'm not. I don't deserve to be. And in the same breath, you too don't deserve to be my life. Yes, you'll be a very important part of my life, but you can't be the center of my life."
Nobody deserves to be the center of anybody's life.
Questioner: Thank you.
Questioner: Sir, one line: it is written that love will not be a distant fantasy. It will be a natural state. So this thing, as much as I have understood from you, the highest love that exists within all of us is not confined to one place. It is everywhere, with everyone. It becomes that very love.
But does this mean this thing to me, my dreams, that perhaps there is a person whom you love unconditionally, you can do it even while being in a state? But this very longing for a person whom you want to be with till the last breath, right? So both things conflict. So can't this happen even with this?
Acharya Prashant: That dream is not yours, right? That dream belongs to the market, which has been imposed on your mind. It has been implanted somewhere, someone special is made for you. This is not your own notion, your own concept. This is a commercial and social notion that has been implanted in your mind, and you have been shown the same movie repeatedly. You think this is the rule of life and the highest thing in life. This idea has been instilled in you, but you couldn't see when it was coming from outside, entering inside you.
If your eyes are looking over there (pointing towards the outside), then your eyes won't see what's happening here (pointing towards the brain), right? And if you're busy looking over there (pointing towards the outside) and something comes and slips in here (pointing towards the brain), you won't notice, right? There will be a romant section here. If you go in there, you'll continuously encounter such things. Yes, the knight on the horse. The knight with the shining armor on the flying horse. Now it's much better: flying white horse. This will be there.
If you get a dose of Mills and Boon from childhood, what else will happen? This will happen after Yashraj films, then when you are very young, when you grow a little older, Titanic must have been released. So what will happen? And society also has its own interests in instilling all these things within you. Then the epics around the world, whether they are Greek, whether it is Homer, or our epics — you find the same things there, one for one. So you think that's the natural way of life. No, that is not the natural way of life. That is an imported way of life. Do you understand the point?
And do you know what the most problematic thing is? I'll tell you, when you place the burden of all your expectations on one person, you consume them. Because no person has the strength to bear all the expectations of another person. But you have been told that someone special will come for you and make your life romantic. Spring will come, birds will chirp, and a rainbow will appear. You are capable of bringing all this into someone's life. Think about it: why you? If you can't, how can someone else be capable of bringing all this into your life? But this idea has been ingrained in our minds.
Then sometimes there is no one. So we force-fit. What do we do? Force-fit. We have created a groove here (pointing towards the mind). We have prepared a place here like this (pointing towards the mind). Now no one can naturally fit into that groove. Sometimes, whoever we find, we bring them and force-fit them there. Now that poor person can't fit there. When they don't fit, then violence happens: “Bringing you into my life has ruined my life. I wanted so much from you, but I got nothing.”
Those who are a bit modest, quietly in silence, swallow the poison. They don't say anything. They are called polite and gentle people. They are called ideal husbands and wives because they quietly suffer. Those who are a bit more aggressive start yelling and shouting, start hitting, but at the foundation of this whole thing is the same principle that says one person will come who will completely brighten your life, color it. No one can do that, brother.
I'm not saying you should go to 50 people because even 50 people together cannot give that. I'm not saying that if one marriage or one girlfriend doesn't work out, then having 50 will solve it. Even 50 together won't be able to do it. But you should at least have mercy on one person. Come on. We are all social creatures. For some reason, you had to get married. Go ahead. But have mercy on the other person. It doesn't have the strength to carry your hopes, and then you get very angry. Today is a birthday, and you are sitting there thinking, who knows what? What flowers will bloom? Gardens.
And nothing else blooms. And then the most fights happen on birthday nights and on Valentine's Day. Oh my goodness. Mostly on these days because these are the days with the most desires, that something special will happen today, and nothing special happens. Oh, the one you are expecting something special from, what's special about them? What special things have they done for themselves? If they haven't done anything special for themselves so far, what can they do special for you? Spare them. But you don't feel like sparing them, do you?
“You are my supreme deity. You are the light of my life. You are my angel. I see God in you.” Now, when you see God, the expectations from God will also be like those from God. And he is not God. Everything becomes chaotic, sir.
Questioner: Sir, even realizing this thing that it becomes higher and deeper, why should I negate it? That too is exciting. Yash Raj films also have their own charm. There is charm in that too.
Acharya Prashant: No one is stopping you. If so many people are taking it, then why is there even a question? Bimaar. Sick everything goes together.
Questioner: Why are they doing it like this?
Acharya Prashant: I'm not saying do this; I'm telling you what happens. After that whatever you want to do, you'll do. No one has the right to take over someone else's life. So what can I do at most? I can present the facts to you. After that, do what you want.
If you want to burden someone helpless, then go ahead. She will just die. She will die, and you will blame her for not being able to bear the weight of your expectations. Our expectations are infinite, brother. No one can fulfill them. And if you are so keen on fulfilling your expectations, why don't you do it yourself? Why do you want someone else to come into your life to be a spring in your life?
That poor person is trying hard to get a promotion from somewhere, and you are thinking that he is your God, your deity, your spring. Ask her friends. Everyone says, some call him a fool, some call him a nut and you are calling him a god. The girl you are infatuated with, thinking a goddess has entered your life, go ask her brother how she is. Her brother will tell you: “Here, I will buy the coffee. I will tell you what she's like.” He will narrate stories about his sister for three hours.
How can it be good for anyone to live in misunderstanding?
That relationship becomes good when you know the reality of the other person.
There is nothing wrong in the relationship, brother. Half the world is women, half are men. It's obvious that people will sit together, meet, and mingle. Friendships will form. That's a very good thing. They should. How else should one live? You can't live by ignoring half the population. So, you'll live together.
But if you superimpose romantic notions on it, you'll ruin both their life and yours. Have you ever seen how badly a heart breaks when the one you're in love insults you to your face? And this is how you get scolded by friends all day. Does it matter? It does matter. If a friend doesn't scold, it starts to feel different — like, why are they speaking so nicely today?
But especially you, the girl you have made your angel, if she scolds you to your face, it will feel like glass shattering everywhere. When a dream shatters, why, brother? Have you become so vulnerable, so fragile?
You became like this because you had created an image in your mind that someone has come into your life. She's absolutely a goddess. Now the goddess has cursed that too in that way. Oh no, no, no.
Questioner: You mentioned a book, the group thinks that what is made for it may not fit you. The group you have created in your mind, no one else can fit into it. Now, here, if we have a human with a personality shaped by certain events of life, and if that human meets another human whose group is exactly the same, it will be like a puzzle aligning. So 99%, 98%, there will be something like that, right?
Acharya Prashant: The first thing is that it is not the same. Secondly, this groove is dynamic (pointing towards the mind). It is a flow, a river. Two rivers. If you take a picture of them at a certain moment, they might look the same. Okay, suppose it's the Ganga and the Gomati. There will be a point in the Ganga where you took a photo, and there will be a point in the Gomati where you took a photo, and you say they look 99% the same. Okay? Go one kilometer ahead. What will happen now? Now the Ganga will look different. The Gomati will look different. Even the color of the water can change. Forget about the shore or the bank. Even the color of the water can change.
So if you bring someone, it is entirely possible that at this moment you might find 99% similarity or some matching, whatever you want. But what will you do after one month? A person is like a flow. That will change too. You will change too. And as long as you are alive, change is inevitable. And rivers flow in such a way that no one can say where they will go next. The state is liquid.
So if a person's fundamentals are aligned, then I can understand the formula that this is a person with. So everything is water. Why are you holding on to just one river? Liquid is always water. Why are you obsessed with one river? You do it. Try it. It's not like that. I'm not just saying it like that. Son, where do we find peace without it? We have to go through all the experiences, alright.
