Parental Pressure and Academic Stress: Are You Living Someone Else’s Life?
Questioner: Good afternoon, sir. I'm Pooja Rana from first year MBBS bridge. My question is that, sir, I'm feeling loss in my life. Loss means loss in many ways. The first one is the high expectation from my parents. The second one is constant comparison and influence of peers. The third one is the academic stress. So, sir, because of all these things, they are pulling me down so that I cannot even focus on my work, my personal stuff. So, what is the first step I can take to get out of all these things?
Acharya Prashant: You are an MBBS student.
Questioner: Yes, sir.
Acharya Prashant: You must have crossed 18.
Questioner: Yes, sir.
Acharya Prashant: You can elect the Prime Minister of this country.
Questioner: Yes, sir. I can.
Acharya Prashant: You are your own person. You are your own woman. What are you thinking of? Your life is your own, right? Own your choices. Nobody else can decide things for you. Nobody else can pressurize you. Even the law allows you to participate in the very destiny of this nation. And then you say parents are pressurizing you, or peers are pressurizing you, or this or that. What's going on? What if your patients come to know of this? They'll run away. The doctor is afraid of her mama, and the patient, the poor one. Think of him or her.
You feel obliged or pressurized, sometimes helpless, only because you have vested interests, stakes of greed or ignorance. Otherwise, you are a free bird. Free, not in the sense of not caring for others, free in the sense of being free to love. And where there is obligation and pressure, there can be no love.
So, when in intimate relationships you say that you experience distractions and the burden of expectations, that simply means that there is very little possibility of love, really. You're here, you are studying, you're preparing yourself for a responsible role. Where exactly is the block?
Questioner: Which block, sir?
Acharya Prashant: That which creates an obstacle in your natural flow.
Questioner: Expectations from family members.
Acharya Prashant: Please understand there is no existential obligation to fulfill anybody's desires. Extend it. You don't have any obligation to fulfill even your own desires, let alone somebody else's. You're not born so that you can fulfill others' desires. What you call as expectations are simply desires that others have. Desire is blind. Anybody can have any desire. How does that oblige you into fulfilling them? Why take that pressure on yourself?
It's good girl syndrome, right? I'm a good girl only if I keep everybody happy. You can't do that. You're a human being. Not possible.
And you know the problem?
Even if you do fulfill their desires, they would still not be satisfied because that's the very nature of desire; it is insatiable. Those who want satisfaction by coercing others or pressurizing others into fulfilling their desires or expectations will find they anyway remain dissatisfied. Even if the other totally invests her life in making them happy, they would still not be happy. Impossible.
Your purpose is the attainment of your own highest potential. Do not burden yourself with guilt.
In India, that is just too common, and especially among women. I must be the standard daughter. I must be the ideal wife. As a mother, I must be the role model. And I must also be a successful professional. And if I can't do that, then I feel guilty, and emotionally then I tend to crack under that guilt. Applies equally to men also.
You have no responsibility to meet anybody's expectations. None at all. You're not a kid anymore. You have your own consciousness. Determine what life is, who you are, and therefore what you must do.
That's where your actions must come from. Your own discretion, your own understanding. And mind you, a lot of this that you do in the name of love is the antithesis of love. If you feel burdened by somebody's expectations, can there be love? I'm asking. In fact, inwardly you will hate that person. Externally, you might still carry their expectations, but inwardly there would be hate. And sometimes that hatred then explodes as violence, marital discord, physical abuse, even honor killing.
Don't burden anybody with expectations, your expectations. Nor should you carry anybody's expectations. Love is not about fulfilling each other's desires. No, that is not love. You live as per my desire and I'll act as per yours. No, that's not love. Love is freedom. If you really are a well-wisher, you'll want the other to fly free, not clip their wings, not say, "Oh, I have a great golden cage for you. Please be seated." And if you reject the cage, then you are being disloyal.
When you're a kid, that's called disobedience. When you are an adult, then disobedience won't sit well. So, you are called disloyal or infidel. In a man-woman relationship, that would be called sometimes as cheating. In a parent-kid relationship, that would often be called ingratitude. But that's all the same thing. At the center of this disobedience or ingratitude or infidelity sits the accusation that you are not fulfilling my desires. You are not living the way I want you to live.
But then you are not even supposed to live as per somebody's desires. That doesn't mean that you must go against somebody's desires. No, neither for nor against.
You have your own inner light. You are an adult and you are educated. Live accordingly. Live freely. And only a free person can really care for the other. Only a free person is capable of love.
