How to Handle Disagreement in Relationships?
Questioner: Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity. Good evening, Acharya Prashant Ji. I have been listening to you for the last one year through your youtube videos as well as courses, and you have helped me a lot. Recently, I have turned vegan as well.
First of all, I am facing a lot of issues, and sometimes disagreements with my family. Sometimes I am at fault, and sometimes they are not understanding what I am trying to say. They don’t understand my spiritual side, and sometimes it's about their perspective, and I am not understanding it. For example, just now, during the first part of the session, I got my chance to ask the question. My mom wanted this laptop to do her office work, and she said certain things like, “Give me the laptop, you are just wasting your time.” I felt bad because you are important to me, and this whole spiritual thing is important for me.
I felt bad, and usually, we argue, but from some days, I have been trying to control myself. The same things happen with my dad too. My mom sometimes understands, because she is also somewhat spiritual, but my dad isn’t. My mom introduced me to religion, and religion introduced me to spirituality, and here I am! I seek your guidance on this issue.
Acharya Prashant: So, the first thing, we all are spiritual. Without exception, we all are spiritual. It’s not as if some people are spiritual and some are not.
What is spirituality? Spirituality is to understand that the material world around you is not going to prove sufficient for you. Therefore, the word 'spirit' is compared to the word 'material,' right? Spirituality does not discard the material; it keeps material at its right place. Because we have material bodies, the material things definitely have a role to play in our lives, which is the life of the body—the duration in which the body operates.
Spirituality just tells you that beyond your bodily needs, and beyond the thoughts and emotions that your material brain experiences, there is something else that you need, or rather crave for. Right? So, that need is experienced by everybody, not by a few people. Every single person on this planet experiences that need. And that need is never fulfilled by anything material. So, we all are spiritual.
It’s just that some of us acknowledge that need, and others don’t acknowledge it, and continue to run after the material, even though the material disappoints them a million times. Right?
So, we don’t have to feel as if your spirituality is something extraordinary or out of the way. Your mom, your dad, and we all; we all are people of the spirit. Not that we do not need material things. Obviously, just as you need the laptop to talk to me, I too need a laptop to talk to you. Not only a laptop, there are several other sets of equipment here that are enabling this conversation. So, that’s all right.
Now, about the disagreement part in relationships. The disagreement is nothing greatly problematic. The problem may lie, however, in one’s reluctance to explore the facts. Hardly does it happen that anybody is in complete knowledge of the facts. Right? We live in our own universe, and beyond that, we hardly know much. Therefore, discussions are useful. They help you see something bigger than your personal perspective.
So, whenever a situation of disagreement arises, do not take it as something unwanted. In fact, whenever there is a conflict of opinions, there probably lies an opportunity to widen your perspective, provided the intention is to reach the fact.
Now, here lies the catch because the intention is rarely to reach the fact. The intention; most of the times, is to defend and secure one’s own position, which is the ego. This is what I am saying, this is what I am feeling, so this must be right. And that’s why discussions that should be something very nice, very agreeable, become something one wants to avoid. Because discussions turn into debates, and then debates turn into conflicts, and conflicts bring suffering.
So, one says that to avoid suffering, "I would rather not even initiate a discussion." All that is not due to something inherent in the discussion, but because of the impurity of intention.
Why must you not want to really know where your parents come from? There is a lot of learning involved there. Equally, it is incumbent on the parents to explore what the offspring are saying, especially if the sons and the daughters are grown up.
It’s just that when you operate from your personal center, you feel as if your kids have never grown up. Even if they are 18, 25, or 55, they are my children, how can they be grown up? If they are grown up, I don’t feel like relating to them as kids.
Equally, it can be with the kids: that parents are always wrong. It’s quite fashionable, isn’t it ? "Oh, parents, they are outdated. Their generation is gone. What do they know of today’s world?" That’s how a lot of young people want to operate.
None of these attitudes are healthy. Talk, talk and talk! And, do not take it personally. You want to know, that’s why you are talking, right? This is the trick to keep the discussions on a healthy track. Don’t take anything personally.
If the other one is saying something that hurts you, it is something with the other one. Do not let it become your personal thing. Right? It's an opinion with the other one. You are not obliged to pick it up and keep it in your pocket or place in your heart, right?
Often in discussions, a lot of things keep flying. You must have the discretion to pick what is of use. And the lot of trivia around it just needs to be ignored. That’s another useful thing for you: learn how to ignore. Be absolutely focused on the truth, absolutely.
As if you are interrogating someone, and he is talking of a thousand things, but you are not interested in the thousand things, you are interested in the truth. So, wherever the truth is, you jump at it. You are very attentive. And the other things, you have no interest in. You are dismissive of them. But the other things have a lot of potential to become meaningful to you because the other things are all personal.
And that’s why, people do not grow. Because in the process of the human beings’ growth, interactions with other human beings play a central role. If you do not know how to interact with another human being, then even if you have the best of human beings in your company, you will not grow. You must know what to take from that person and what to totally ignore. Irrespective of what the situation is, be extremely concentrated on the right thing. Getting it? Then you will not be afraid of talking to anybody. And irrespective of who you are talking to, you will reap some benefit.
It could be a casual discussion with an auto driver, lasting just fifteen minutes, but you will find that you have picked up something valuable. Right? It could be just one of the things that happen in the parties. You were chitchatting with your friends, but even there you will find that you have gained something of importance. But that does not mean that you have to be serious in your discussions. No? Why can’t you have everything and still be attentive.
You are watching a soccer match, you are dining out, you are chatting, you are studying — everywhere, you must know what you are in it for. You are not in it to settle personal scores. You are not in it for personal aggrandizement.
You are in it for the fact. And why are you so interested in the fact? Because imaginations bring suffering to us. Because ignorance brings suffering to us. And as a young person, as a human being, you do not want to suffer. Right?
You want to know the fact. Only in the fact is there a possibility of a solution. Are you getting it? So, develop this knack. Right? That’s one characteristic of great people. They are able to extract meaning and value, even from very ordinary situations and people. Right?
And mediocre people? The so-called losers in life— what do they do? Even if the best things are given to them, the best books are available, the best people are available, the best opportunities are available, they waste it all away. Why? Because they are focused on personal trivia, personal trivia, nothing.
You could be with a great scientist, and all you are obsessed with it is his, let’s say, receding hairline or the rings he is wearing in his fingers, or the color of his jacket, or something else, related to his personality, his personal life.
You must know the greatest thing you can have from a place, a person, or an opportunity. Be a bounty hunter in the real sense of the word. There is treasure lying everywhere, provided you want it, provided that is your intention, provided you have an eye for it.
You are talking to me. You could either gain something from this conversation or you could be thinking about a lot of things from your personal life. “Mumma said this, Papa is like this, my friends, my teachers, and all the persons in my life, they are doing such things. Or if, let's say, the screen is flickering, can’t I have a laptop of my own?”
There are so many things that can potentially occupy your mind. Right? Or you could look at me and say, “This fellow has a shabby beard. Why can’t he groom himself better before he comes and talks?” Or something else. Right? Always have the best as your target— nothing short of the best.
And even in the places where the best is found, or is to be found, there is a great opportunity to just carry home the worst. So be cautious. Life can give you great riches, and equally, in life, there is so much filth, absolute dust, garbage. It depends on your intention, what to take home.
