Loneliness and Love
Questioner: I have a question on an excerpt from you.
“Aloneness is not about being free of others and living without others. Aloneness is to live without oneself. Aloneness does not have much to do with the so-called others; aloneness has everything to do with the one called oneself.”
I’d like to understand this on a deeper level. How can I put this into practice in my life?
Acharya Prashant: Nice little quote.
Aloneness is not to be free of others. Aloneness is to be free of oneself.
The others are just too numerous. When you say you want to be free of one particular person or thing or place or idea or whatever, there is almost certainly a recoil and you find yourself gravitating towards something else, falling in somebody else’s lap. That happens because the fundamental tendency to stick to the world in some form or the other remains. That’s what I am calling as ‘oneself’.
‘Oneself’ is characterized by the tendency to be with a multitude. There is the one, and how do you know that one? That one is known by its tendency to be with many. There is the one; that one is within; that one is called the little self, the fake self, the false self, or the ego. That one is characterized by the tendency to keep looking towards many with hope—hope of fulfillment, hope of love, hope of completion. And these many that are there, they are all hagglers, they are promisemongers; like eager vendors, they want to keep selling you something.
Somebody is saying, “I am selling you companionship”; somebody is saying, “I am selling you knowledge”; somebody is saying, “I am selling you this kind of pleasure”; somebody is saying, “I am selling you happiness.” They are all eager to associate with you by offering a promise, but all those that you see around yourself—some lucrative, some horrible, some that you are indifferent to—they all exist for you fundamentally because of the tendency of ‘oneself’ to keep thinking of itself as unfulfilled and hence seek association and companionship in the world.
So, it is largely futile to try to drop others, because others are really not the fundamental problem. Even as we talk of the importance of sańgati , the right company, the worst company is one’s own. All the other bad things that enter your life, they enter first of all because you listen to that part, that center of yourself you should have never listened to in the first place.
So, the primary culprit is never the others; the primary culprit is sitting within and masquerading as me, the self, the ‘I’. It is this primary one that this quote is pointing at and is declaring culpable. The others might be at fault, but their fault is secondary. The others might not be good for you, but their effect is secondary. The worst one is not outside of you; the worst one is inside of you, and it is this worst one that is inviting all the bad things to itself, and that is to you.
It is sitting within, and in its foolishness it conspires against itself—though it wants its own welfare, granted; it says, “I am doing things for my well-being.” But it’s so foolish that even as it tries to be good to itself, it invites all kinds of nonsense, even calamities. In its self-professed smartness, cleverness, knowledgeability, it keeps doing all kinds of stupid things.
One is not to associate with this one sitting within. As long as this one is sitting within, it will be, as we said, futile to keep disposing of or getting rid of the things outside of you, because one bad influence will be followed by the other. Bad will be supplanted by something worse. One bad relationship will yield to a worse one. Why? Because the tendency to get into bad relationships will remain intact. It is this tendency that we have to uproot, and it has very, very deep roots within our psyche. It has taken on our name; it has stolen our identity.
So, that’s what we are talking of. To be alone is to be with the right partner within. Within you is someone who is great company. Be with that one. Or if you cannot locate who that great one is, please be patiently all by yourself. Being with no one is far, far better than being with the wrong one.
And in being with no one, you will realize that that no one might actually be just enough for you; that that no one in some magical way has an existence of its own; just as, don’t we sometimes say, the silence is beautiful? Now, what is beautiful? Silence means nothing. But that nothingness has an existence of its own that you are referring to as beautiful.
Similarly, don’t you say, “Oh, the space here is great”? You move to a place, and don’t you say, ”Oh, great space”? Now, space means nothingness; space is just nothing. But that nothingness is great, and then you will become fond of that nothingness, that spaciousness, that silence; that’s the best company you can have.
And when you have that best company, then you know the right ones to be associated with even in your worldly life. Being associated with the right one within, you will learn, you will just know the right ones to be associated with in the external world. The outer follows the inner, and not vice versa.
Doing the opposite is quite tough, though it is sometimes attempted with some success. But the best thing is to start within because that’s where you are, because that’s where immediate action is possible. When that fails, then one tries to start somewhere outside. That will offer you some success, limited success; that’s a secondary thing. The first thing is to start within.
Why am I saying starting outside is secondary? Because as long as this enemy of yours is comfortably seated within, how will it allow you to have good company outside? Let’s say you start outside and you bring in good company for yourself—some great books, a great place, a great workplace, a great teacher. Somebody great comes into your domain. Will that somebody be allowed to stay by this enemy within? This enemy within will ensure that the great one that has entered your life freshly leaves sooner than later, and you will be back to square one.
So, it’s important to have internal work, and change in external situations will definitely follow. Aloneness is therefore not about being a social recluse. It is not about being a loner; it’s about having the capability to have right company. That’s aloneness.
“I suffice within. I am alright alone. Why? Because I have the best company within already, so alone I am okay. Now that I am okay even in my aloneness, I become free to have very celebratory relationships outside. Now those relationships are not of dependence. I am not a beggar asking for fulfillment, nor am I a prospective customer being cheated by loud and cunning vendors. I am alright as I am. I do not require much from the world at an existential level. At the level of my being, at the level of the ‘I’, I am alright. Now I can relate to the world in a healthy way, in a free way.” That’s aloneness.
Questioner: When people find out that I am fine with being alone, they look at me in a pitying way and start giving advice, you know, as if they are very sorry for me, that being alone is somehow bad for me.
Acharya Prashant: Yeah, they are patronizing you, condescending…
Questioner: It makes me weak emotionally even if I try to remain above it. What can I do about these people?
Acharya Prashant: No, it’s alright. They do what they are currently capable of; they are acting as per their station in life. The problem is not about what they are doing; the issue lies within. Somebody comes to you in a high-handed way, in a condescending way, and you yield to his display of pity, and by yielding to that display you are affirming that his pity was not misplaced. Is that not so?
So, somebody comes and expresses pity or dismay at your state. It’s fine. Fine. Let him do that. Don’t you have better things to direct your attention to? So, you remain concerned with what really matters to you.
One characteristic of aloneness is a healthy indifference to others’ opinions. You listen to others’ opinions but you are not bogged down by them. You are under no compulsion to grant them affirmation. Others’ opinions are just that—firstly, others’; secondly, opinions. Since they are others’, they need not be internalized by you; and because they are opinions, they need not be taken as the truth.
And there are so many people in the world, and people act, people speak, and they are constrained by the levels of their consciousness, by the point at which they are in their journey. So, they will do as they would. Animals act in a certain way, birds fly in a certain way, kids behave in one way, aged people behave in another way. So, all that is prakṛtik ; all that is just physical nature. One doesn’t feel bad about something that is just so pre-programmed, physical, prakṛtik .
Prakṛti just is. It’s not something that you can impose your ideals on. Ideally, you could say, snakes should have wings. Ideally, you could say, pigs should not wallow in filth. Ideally, you could say, nobody should die young. In Prakṛti these things, these ideals, these norms, they just don’t matter. Things are as they are; people are as they are.
Now, you take care of your consciousness. Irrespective of how the material world is, how your body is, and how other bodies in the world are operating in the world, your primary responsibility is to take care of the cleanliness of your consciousness. That’s what we all are here for.
Questioner: There is a quote from a Christian scripture that comes to mind. It says something like, “Perfect love—that’s God’s love. It drives out fear.” Can you say something on that?
Acharya Prashant: See, anything that is perfect does not leave any space for anything else. Perfect love means that all the energy and attention is directed towards just one attainment.
Even to be afraid you need time and space and energy. When you are asleep, are you afraid? No, because there is nothing available to fear. The consciousness that could have accommodated fear and experienced it is now in another state, busy elsewhere; therefore, you are not afraid. And even at this moment you can experience fear if you start thinking of things that are a scare to you, a threat to you.
So, fear demands space in your mind; fear demands that you be available to it. But when you are committed to something colossal, something extremely important, then you devote all of yourself to that particular thing. In a perfect sense, that’s called love—devoting yourself completely to something that’s worth it; devoting yourself, committing yourself absolutely to something that deserves it.
Now there is nothing available. The room is empty—who will be afraid? There were ten of you in the room, and all ten of you have moved elsewhere to participate in a tremendous project; all the ten have moved out of the room to participate in something very important. Now fear comes and knocks. Fear is now knocking on the door—who will answer the knock? Who is there to open the door? There is nobody. Since there is nobody, so nobody would be afraid.
So, you have to be extremely occupied. Love is the greatest occupation you can have. We all love to be busy, but we are busy with all the wrong things. Love is what we need to be busy with. Love is our purpose and our vocation in life. What are you doing? I am loving. And if you are not loving, you would be indulging in all kinds of wrong things. When I am saying I am loving, what do I mean? I am not using the word ‘love’ in the usual way. When I am saying love, love is your commitment towards something that absolutely deserves it, not your personal happiness or some shallow pleasure.
Love is your commitment to something that is the highest you can know of, think of. And what is the highest you can know of? That’s your liberation because you are in bondage. You can call it fulfillment; you can call it the end of your journey; you can call it your maximum desire, the ultimate you can conceive of. That’s what you must be attracted to, committed to. That’s called love. And when you give it everything that you have, you are left with nothing to be scared of.
