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my ithaka was that I never known what I am doing.In what direction I am heading.i am spinning and spinning, and there is great suffering in it. but the journey maybe has given me a direction or clarity, like with what to struggle or which direction is to head. And I am still in the process and its tragically beautiful.
Jyoti ji, notice what the spinning actually was: not an absence of direction so much as a refusal to look squarely at what you kept wanting from each new direction. The suffering wasn't that you lacked a map, it was that every road was expected to complete you, and none did, so you spun to the next one. What you're calling clarity now, test it honestly. Is it a real easing of the demand that some destination must finally fix you, or just a calmer, more confident version of the same chase, now with better vocabulary? "Tragically beautiful" can be true seeing, or it can be a comfortable identity to rest in, the wanderer who has made peace with wandering. What exactly has lessened in you, not what have you found?
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