I recently participated in the KTU University Games. First came the Zonals, where I played three matches, and later the Interzone, where I played another three. Our team won the Interzone and finished third overall. What stayed with me more than the result was the state in which I played. Before these tournaments, I would usually experience a lot of pressure, anxiety, nervousness, and overthinking. I would think about my identity, my ability, what winning or losing meant, and what the result said about me. All of this would affect my performance. But during the Zonals, something changed. Across all three matches, I felt remarkably calm. There was no significant panic or nervousness. The same happened at the Interzone. I played another three matches, and I felt free on the court. In fact, I played some of my best badminton and gave the best performance I felt I could give. What surprised me was that my desire to win had not disappeared. I still wanted to win badly. I still competed and gave everything I had. But winning was no longer tied so strongly to my identity. This experience reminded me of Acharya Ji’s statement: “You are your best when you are not.” In the AP framework, I understand the “not” as the temporary absence of the egoic interference, the constant “I am this,” “I must prove myself,” “What will happen to me?” When the ego is occupied with protecting and establishing itself, even our natural abilities can become distorted. During these matches, there seemed to be less of that interference. I wasn't trying to create an identity through badminton. I was simply playing because I love the sport. So perhaps I did not suddenly become a better player. There was simply less of me interfering with the player that was already there.
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