Questioner (Q): I am a person who is very sensitive and emotional and that’s why I easily get hurt. It’s been two months since I had a breakup with a guy and I am not just able to move on. It’s affecting me a lot, I didn’t want this to happen even though I never expected this from him but it has broken me completely from the inside. I have lost myself. I have lost my mental peace and I feel so lonely and incomplete without him and it’s even more painful when I see that guy with some other girl. I still want him in my life although I know that it’s not possible because he has completely moved on. What should I now do because it’s harming me and my career and my future?
Acharya Prashant (AP): You are saying it has broken you completely from the inside — no, you are lying. Had you been completely broken from the inside then there would have been nobody left inside to experience the hurt. What you call as the inside is just the ego inside and the ego is a very magical thing. It becomes stronger when it gets hurt. It is not as if it loses its power when it gets hurt — the more you hurt it, the more strength it gathers. So, first of all, please understand that you have a lot inside that has only become more cemented, more solidified after this episode. Had you been really empty from the inside, who would have received the hurt? The arrow hits you only when you block the arrow, otherwise, it goes past you. What is it within you that is blocking the happening? You are hurt because you do not like what is happening; your resistance is hurting you. An arrow comes to you, you obstruct it with your hand and it is the obstruction that you offer that pierces your hand. If you do not offer any obstruction to the arrow, the arrow just passes by.
Why are you obstructing the happening? The fellow has moved on and the population of the world is eight billion, but he is with another girl. Now, why are you begging after him? What will you get from him — crumbs of love? Do you want love as donation, as charity? And even if that is given to you, would that satisfy you? And if he was so dear to you, why was there not much compatibility, why did the breakup happen? And if you are you and he is what he is, then won’t the breakup happen again?
You insist on remaining who you are, that is why you are hurt. You insist on remaining who you are, that is why you want the guy back. But if you insist on remaining who you are, you won’t be able to retain the guy. Are you prepared to really change? Are you prepared to not be the one who experienced that attraction? No, that you do not want to do because probably you have some sweet and happy memories but at least you do not want to be the one who is experiencing all the suffering and all the hard work. And that is why you have asked this question. You don’t want to be continuously and anymore in misery. If you do not want to be anymore in misery, stop being who you are. You have seen the consequences of who you are and still, you do not want to wake up.
Do you know who you are? You are the one who will accept this guy back if he comes back into your life. Do you know who you are? You are the one who will again have a quarrel with this guy. Do you know who you are? You are the one who will again have a breakup and will again shed tears when the guy goes away. Do you want to remain caught in this cycle? Please, do not remain caught in this cycle. Guys come and go, there is nobody more important than your own peace. You do not want a person so he may cause you disturbance.
When you want a person, you actually want peace and contentment through that person. Or, do you invite a person into your life so that he may harass you? Why do you open your doors to somebody? Because that person promises to be the vehicle of contentment and peace. You very well know what you open your doors to, are you opening your doors to contentment? Contentment is more valuable than any relationship. Relationships are a medium, contentment is the end. Relationships are mere mediums, they are like roads which must lead to contentment. They must contain contentment. If there is no contentment in the relationship, why do you want that relationship?
The quality of your love depends on the quality of your life. Your love affair cannot be a sublime thing if your life is mired in littleness. We all want our love affairs to be fairy tales and we don’t look at our lives. We are little people, afraid, desirous, ambitious, suspicious — that is how we live. Now, how can you have a fairy tale love affair? Who is this lover that you will attract yourself to? What is the quality of your being? Who will be attracted to this being? (pointing to the pictures of Swami Vivekananda and Saint Kabir hanging on wall behind) Please, you look at these pictures, who would be the women these men would attract to? What would be the quality of their relationship? If they were married, would they be compatible with any women on road? Think of Astavakra, Nanak, Kabir, a Buddha, a Mahavir, some of them were married, and imagine the other are also married. Now think of their spouses, think of their wives. What kind of man would a Lalleshwari take as husband? She indeed did have a husband, could she go along with him? At the age of twenty-two she split. If you live as a petty one, you will only invite a petty being to your life and then there will be more suffering and more suffering. What is the point in remaining caught in this cycle? Elevate yourself, transform yourself, and then see who comes to you, then you will know what love really is.
