Questioner: How to control our anger? Should be reactive, somebody hurt us, or how to react in a way?
Acharya Prashant: There are two parts: One, how do we control or anger? Second, how do we react when somebody hurts us? You see in both these parts you are describing the moment of happening. The anger has already come. The hurt has already taken place. Now you are asking what to do? Couple of days I was asking somebody that you know, jogging is a good method to prevent heart attack but somebody is already in the moment of heart attack, would you advise him to go jogging?
In the moment when the thing has already struck, it becomes very difficult to do anything. It is impossible because in the moment of anger you are dominated by anger. In the moment of hurt, the mind is full of hurt. There is nothing else. It’s become very difficult to take action then.
But that’s how you operate. We do not ask how to live a life in which anger does not arise? We do not ask that question. We do not ask what is that mind, that does not get hurt? We do not ask that question. What do we ask? We ask how to control anger? Now controlling anger presupposes the presence of anger, right? And that has already come. Now I want to control it. What to do when hurt? You are saying, “I am already hurt”, now what to do? You are not asking how not to get hurt? What is it within me that gets so frequently hurt? How to live a life in which hurt has a little place?
When you are angry then you cannot do much. Then at best, you can watch your anger and that too depends upon the quality of the mind. Watching anger is not at all easy. Watching any emotion or passion is not at all easy. Do not wait for the moment to arise. Live life in a way in which these have little space to arise, that these do not find an opportunity to arise. We will have to understand what anger is?
What is anger? Anger is the frustration of ....
Q: Unpleasantness.
AP: Yeah but what is it you find unpleasant?
Q: Something which is not happening according to me?
AP: According to me, right? According to 'me.' According to 'me' (emphasizing). And what you want according to you is different from what she wants according to her, right?
My expectations and they are not being fulfilled. Anger is the frustration of exceptions not being met. Wherever there is anger, please realize that behind it an unmet expectation. Some expectation has been belied and only then anger arises. I wanted things to go in a certain way. They are not going in a certain way, I will feel angry.
How to stop expecting? Good, she has saved five minutes of our time. I would have needlessly meandered here and there and then I would have come to this.
How to stop expecting? Why to stop expecting? First of all, see what are expectations. You only ask questions that are of the damage control variety. One of you asks how to control anger, the other says how to stop expectation? Do you see the commonality between these two questions?
The thing has already happened now I am saying what to do about it. The cup is already broken, now how to… You can’t. Again, you have to have a mind in which expectations do not easily find a place. What kind of mind is that in which expectations arise? Expectation is hope. Something you want from the future.
You want something only when you are deprived. All expectations, kindly remember, arise from a feeling of inner incompleteness.
Only when you feel that something is missing then you start expecting.
Otherwise, you have no reason to hope. Why would somebody hope? When you are full, celebrating, joyful, silent composed, why would you demand more? Why would you demand? You know the expectation is a demand. Why would you demand more?
Expectations arise from that inner hollow, something is missing. Nobody is born with that hollow. That hollow is gradually created within us. We are made to believe that we are insufficient. An inferiority complex is gradually implanted within us.
The more inferior you feel, the more you will live in hopes and goals and expectations and desires.
And you are inferior, nobody is inferior, nobody is inadequate. We are all alright, very much alright. But slowly, gradually through the process of upbringing and education and media and all the influences upon the mind, we have made to believe that there is something wrong with us.
We have been told that there is something wrong with you and we have been given ways in which to amend that wrong. You are worthless but if you earn that much amount of money you will become worthy. You are inferior but if you get that degree you will become alright. Your face is the ugliest possible but if you apply all these cosmetics then you will be worth looking at. Your body is so crude but if you wear these kinds of clothes then you will be ok. You are not worthy of my love but if you go and achieve those goals then you will be lovable.
Two things are being done. One, you are being told that you stink. Second, you are being given a deodorant. When you are alright, first of all, you are being made to believe that you stink and secondly you are being told that is the shop where you can go, purchase the deodorant, go spend some money.
How else can you be made to buy a deodorant? By, first of all, making you feel that you badly stink. How else can you be made to buy that new car? By first making you feel that you are worthless if you drive your old car. And then desire and expectations arise. I want this from life, I want that from life. And there is this cunning system all around. Both, cunning and ignorant.
Cunningness always goes with ignorance.
There is this cunning system all around which is pretending to be your well-wisher. I know you are an idiot but I can also tell you how not to remain an idiot? Go, enroll in that program, then you will no longer be an idiot. So, two things - One, you are an idiot. Second, I am your well-wisher so, I am guiding you towards freedom from idiocy.
You are not an idiot in the first place. Why do you need freedom from stupidity? But then we don’t look sharply enough, we are deceived. And then what do we become? A storehouse of goals and planning and expectations and desires. And we become deeply attached to them, our sadness, happiness, our entire climate then starts depending on whether we have achieved or not. Our entire self-worth starts depending on what others are saying about us.
Anger arises from expectations. Expectations arise from a feeling of incompleteness. The feeling of incompleteness itself is false. You are not incomplete. Fundamentally all of us are alright. Fundamentally all of us are worthy and good and beautiful.
We may lack in knowledge and skill but that is a superficial thing. That is nothing to do with our basic being. So, it’s alright. In small matters, go acquire knowledge. You want to go somewhere, you can ask for directions from somebody, simple things. But if somebody comes and tells you that you are essentially a moron, then turn that man away.
Essentially we are all sacred, not only alright but actually divine. There is nothing wrong with anybody. We may slip and fall once or twice but that does not mean that we cannot walk. Our eyes might be clouded but that does not mean that we lack vision. Our mind might be conditioned but that does not mean that intelligence is disappeared.
A lot of anger only implies, lot of conditioning. The more inferior you feel, the more you are susceptible to anger. Do you see how all these belong to the same family - anger, expectations, hopes, planning, targets, goals, desires, conditioning, influence, achievement, accomplishment? Do you see how all of these can bracketed together? If you can see that much then we are home.
Already home.
