Questioner: Namaskar Acharya Ji. First of all, I want to say, very, very thank you for improving the life of people like me and clearing various aspects in a very simple way so that we can also understand. I’m very, very thankful to you.
Acharya Prashant: You’re welcome.
Questioner: My question is how the wrong relationships and the thoughts are interdependent. Basically, in what manner thoughts act in choosing not a right person. I think I have made you clear. Or should I speak something else?
Acharya Prashant: It’s clear. Thank you. See, we’ll proceed from…
Thoughts serve to secure the master. Right? Here I am. I’m the master. My thoughts exist to secure me. Me not in so much in the physical sense, though also in the physical sense, but more in the psychological sense.
Thought is not autonomous. Thought has no sovereignty of its own. Thought is a dependent phenomenon. Thought is tied to its centre, and that centre is called the ego. So, I am the thinker, and my thought will exist to save and secure me in the psychological sense. So, there is the ego, and thought exists so that the ego remains as it is. I think a lot, but I will think in a way, irrespective of how much I am thinking, that does not cause me to fundamentally change myself.
Questioner: Okay.
Acharya Prashant: I might think continuously. I might think intensely. But just the fact of thinking will not change the thinker. Irrespective of how much the thinker thinks, thinking will not change the thinker. What changes the thinker is something very different. That’s observation of thought.
If you can see the thinker thinking thought at the entire triad, if you can see the thinker thinking the thought, and if you can see that from here as a witness, if you can see the entire process, there is the thinker, the subject, then there is the object of the thought, and the relationship between these two is called thinking, the thought. If you can see that, then things can change, but that does not usually happen. We usually are not witnesses to our thoughts, are we? We don’t witness thoughts. We just keep thinking.
We remain the subject of thought, not the witness of thought. We remain the subject of thought, not the witness. So, we said the thinker can keep thinking, thinking, thinking, but thinking will not change the thinker just because he has been thinking.
Questioner: Yes.
Acharya Prashant: Right.
And the thinker is thinking. Therefore, the thinker, obviously, is not going to hurt himself through thinking. Since thinking is something that is done by the thinker, why will the thinker think in a way that hurts his own perceived self-interest? Will he?
Questioner: Yes.
Acharya Prashant: Thought is not coming to me from the universe. Thought does not arise in a vacuum. Thought arises from me, from who I am. Since thought is my own doing, why will I think in a way that thought challenges who I am? Will I allow thought to be that way? No. So the thinker is never really challenged by his thought.
Questioner: Right.
Acharya Prashant: Right. I’m a person now. I am the thinker, and I think a lot. Let’s say, I’m in the marriageable age. You’re talking about relationships. We come to that now. So, I’m in the marriageable age or whatever. I’m an adult. I can have relationships. Presumably, these are the kind of relationships you’re talking of. Right?
Questioner: Yes. I’m talking of man-woman relationships.
Acharya Prashant: Man-woman relationships. Yes. So, I’m in that age, and I think, I think as a man, I think about women. As a woman, I think about men, and these things are there. So whatever thoughts I have will result in a choice because most of us choose through thought. Correct? When we have to make a choice, we start thinking.
I am a person. Let’s say, 'I’m a man. I want to choose a woman.' The choice is based on my thought, and thought exists to help me remain just as I am. The woman is coming to me through choice. Choice is made, the process of thought, and thought exists to let me remain exactly as?
Questioner: Who I am.
Acharya Prashant: So what kind of woman will I choose?
Audience: Who will not change me.
Acharya Prashant: I’ll choose a woman who pleases me, ingratiates me, but never really challenges me to the core. Some amount of challenge is okay, that is fun. Let the two of us play air hockey. We are challenging each other. So that kind of or carom, you know, we are challenging each other in carom. That kind of challenge is alright. But if somebody challenges you to the core, shakes you up to the foundations, that’s not admissible. Or is that? No man wants to admit such a woman in life who will, like challenge his basic philosophical underpinnings.
Hello, you, mister dualist. And the fellow is a hardcore dualist. And the woman comes in and says, “No, no, no, this won’t do, all your dualism is nonsense.” The man is never going to let her in.
Do you see how relationships depend on thought, and thought depends on who you are? And therefore, all our relationships just result in continuation of our misery. Not just continuation, actually enhancement, aggravation.
Questioner: Yes.
Acharya Prashant: I’m already bad, and through the thought process, I make a choice that makes my condition worse. I will always choose a woman who does me no good. And if a woman exists, coincidentally, who can be of real help to me, the job of thought will be to push that woman aside. Reject her the first thing possible because she is the one who will shake you up. She will move into your house, and the house will collapse. Ditto for the other combination. You know? As a woman, you don’t want a man who will challenge your most fundamental beliefs.
Questioner: Right. Acharya ji, what changes we need to make regarding those thoughts? Like, you have suggested some thoughtless...
Acharya Prashant: No. Not thoughtless. See, it cannot be addressed at that level, only in that domain where a person is to be chosen for a relationship. That’s probably the most hurtful. So that’s the place we want to address first. Right? Because if you make a bad choice with respect to a T-shirt, it doesn’t hurt that much. But when you make a bad choice with respect to a man, it hurts much deeper and for much longer probably. So, we want to talk about that. But talking of that alone might not be very helpful.
The person, the man or the woman, didn’t just randomly enter life. It was a continuation of a pattern of choices. I have been choosing that way since very, very long, and that very same pattern now made this woman enter my life. Right? I just want to somehow surgically remove this woman from my life while keeping all the other entrants in. That won’t do.
The same process that brought this shirt to me, or this pen to me, or my job to me, or my religious beliefs to me, or my political associations to me. You’re leaning towards the conservatives. No. No. Mind you, that too is going to be related to the marital choice you make. Unless I am ready to challenge the very centre from where all the choices are made, it will not be possible to rectify one particular choice.
If I’m someone who says, “I’m not going to challenge my political beliefs, but I want exactly the right woman in my life,” it is not going to be possible. Your political beliefs are a reflection of your ego. And if you staunchly adhere to your political beliefs, that means you are very particular about saving, protecting your ego. And if that is the case, then the woman you will get, you know, will be just your ego in another shape, another name, another gender.
Questioner: I want to give the example of myself. Like, I feel I am a revolutionary person. I always do something different. But regarding relationships, I somehow choose some wrong person. So how can I relate my revolutionary and the choice of the wrong person?
Acharya Prashant: You’ll have to reflect on everything. See, no relationship choice ever happens in a vacuum. I must be someone ready to observe all the choices being made. When all the choices are of a certain standard, then the personal choice in terms of a man or woman, that too carries a certain standard.
If I’m someone who is reckless in choosing the kind of jewellery to wear or the next car or the next job, what are the other things we choose? Our friends or books, objects of common choice. If I do not know how to make choice with respect to these objects, how will I know how to choose when it comes to choosing someone for marriage, let’s say, or for a relationship, whatever? These are not unrelated. I must be into it 24/7 because I’m choosing 24/7. So, I must be observing 24/7. And if I am constantly improving the process of my choice, then when it comes to a man, I’ll obviously be making a great choice.
See, I can put it this way. You read a book once, right? It had, let’s say, eighty chapters. Now again, you have picked up that book. This time, some other publisher, some other font, some other size. The number of pages has changed. The cover has changed. All those things have changed. The page quality, paper quality has changed. Chapter twenty-six, when you read the book last time, was “Obsession.” That was the title of chapter twenty-six. Chapter twenty-six, when you read the book last time was titled “Obsession.” And chapter twenty-seven was titled “Suffering.”
Now, this time, when you read the book, you find chapter one till chapter twenty-six are exactly as they were in the previous book. Now, you are again reading the chapter sequentially. You have come till chapter twenty-six. And chapter twenty-six is exactly the same as it was last time. Chapter one till twenty-six are have all exactly been the same as they were last time. Now this time in this particular book can chapter twenty-seven change? That’s what.
For chapter twenty-seven to change, you will have to write entirely new book. You cannot say all other chapters will remain the same but one chapter has to change. Is that ever possible in any book. Cover page can change, line spacing can change probably, even the colour of the ink can change, all those things can change. But after chapter twenty-six which is 'Obsession', chapter twenty-seven which is 'Suffering' will always be there. That cannot change.
If you want to change even one chapter, change the entire book. It is just pointless to expect that all the chapters will remain the same but this particular one, should not turn into celebration. After 'Obsession' you will have 'Suffering.' The chapter cannot be renamed as celebration. Can it be?
Our expectation is unanswerable. But at the same time, it does not take much to rewrite the book. In fact, we are not just entitled but we are obliged to re-write the book. You have been given a book in advance. Your job is to erase whatever is already written. That’s called 'Neti-Neti'.
When you are born, you are born with a book. Now you could either keep following the chapters or you could erase whatever came with the body and write an entirely new story. But to expect that, you know the chapters will miraculously change into something better, is unreasonable, that’s not going to happen. Change everything. Change everything, challenge everything.
We said, 'observation 24/7'. Every small choice is like exercise, rehearsal, a workshop, net practice. If you are not meticulous with the so-called small choices. You will inevitably suffer in the so-called big choices. Because the chooser is the same. No? So, when you find the sailing is smooth, use that period to sharpen your weapons and deepen your defenses.
You are sitting at a restaurant; you have to order food. You know how many combinations of food items are possible within your budget? Think of it. Think of it. You went there, and you are sitting at the table, let’s say all by yourself. Your budget is five-hundred bucks. For five-hundred rupees, the number of combinations that is possible is absolutely staggering. But do we pay attention to the process of choice?
Something is priced at eighty, something is priced at hundred, something is priced at two-hundred-fifty. And there are, let’s say, three-hundred things on the menu. Can we have some mathematician compute the number of possible combinations within rupees five-hundred? You will be astonished. The number of such combinations will run into lakhs. Now out of these lakhs of possibilities, which one do you choose? We don’t even choose. We say, 'One masala dosa.' Pay attention to the process of choice.
That got her excited. (seeing someone in audience)
Questioner: Thank you, Acharya ji.
Acharya Prashant: Welcome.
Questioner: I’m always so blessed, you come to my life. And especially your Bodh Pratyusha session. I’m following it, in the recordings also. Thank you very much.