You’re Still Hurt Because They Still Rule Your Heart
Questioner: Good evening, sir. Sir, my question to you is: Aaj ke zamaane mein ladki hona bahut zyada tough lagta hai, like we hear a lot of painful stories. Some of us go through that stuff, and it gives us deep scars. Ham us dard se kaise niklein? Matlab, us dard ke baare mein sochte hain to aur dard badhta hai. But we can't stop thinking about it. And if you want to forgive some people who made us so broke from inside that death seems easier for us. Sir, how to heal?
Acharya Prashant: I'll focus on the part of the question that deals with hurt and forgiveness. See, the more you allow someone to become the very center of your life, your very identity, the greater the hurt will be, and the deeper the wound will be when that person deserts or disappoints you. Please understand. We talk of forgetting and forgiving in relationships. But none of that is possible if you remain hurt. And if you are indeed hurt, and are yet talking of forgetting and forgiving, then it is a mere pretense.
As long as it is hurting within, it will remain impossible to forgive. Then you can pretend that you are forgetting, fine. And sometimes you have no option but to pretend, because you can anyway not extract revenge. That other person might be in a powerful position, and there is no way you can even up against him. So you say, "No, I have forgiven that person. I don't want any revenge or retribution."
The thing is, forgiveness is not possible. Forgiveness is not possible as long as you remain hurt. And you will remain hurt when your very identity is tied to an unworthy object. That unworthy object will change its association, rise or fall, not act according to your expectations. And then there will be hurt.
No person, no thought deserves to become the center of your life, at least not too quickly. They do not deserve to. They must never be raised to that point. And if you raise them to that point and then they don't go by your desires and expectations, then you have only yourself to blame.
The more someone starts meaning to me, the more I feel betrayed when that person disappoints. Is that not true? Your first meaning — your centermost position — that should be accorded to something that can never disappoint you. And that something is rarely someone.
That something, in the case of a devoted scientist, would be science. That something, in the case of a devoted sportsperson, would be sports. That something, in the case of a devoted writer, would be his work: his books, articles, essays, poems. In the case of a spiritual seeker, that something will be the pure Self. And that something is what must always have the central position in your life. That position must always be very rigorously defended and reserved. No vacancy here. The first slot is reserved. Others can come and occupy number two, number three, number four, number five. The first slot is reserved. Others can occupy other slots.
The hurt that one gets in relationships is a consequence of allowing someone to occupy the first slot, the central place in your life. No person should have a central place in your life. The top thing goes to the top one. The top place is for the top one. Number 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 — they can go to other individuals, tasks, priorities, whatever. Not the number one slot.
We behave otherwise. We give the top slot to an undeserving person. Actually, no person is deserving enough to get the top slot. So, in that sense, everybody is undeserving. And you give someone the top slot and people are not eternal. You want total certainty with something that is eternal and timeless, something that can never disappoint you, betray you. And that kind of behavior a person cannot display. So you have put a misfit up there and that misfit will soon disappoint, disappear perhaps. And then there will be great hurt. And when there is great hurt, then you say it is not even worth continuing to live. Society is better than life. All those things.
No, no, no, don't end life; correct life, improve life.
The hurt that you have received is a result of your own lack of understanding about the nature of life. This is an opportunity to understand life. It is an opportunity to not let the previous mistakes be repeated.
Instead, when a person betrays us, we feel the problem was with that particular person. No. The problem is with a person occupying the top slot. The problem is not with a particular person. The problem is with the very concept of having a person at the center of your heart. You do that and you are opening yourself to unnecessary hurt.
On the other hand, if your top slot is secured and you are betrayed by number 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, then you will be bruised, wounded, but you will never be internally deeply hurt. Maybe you will suffer losses, but those losses will not be very deep. The core of your being will remain secured because nothing has been displaced from there. No internal loss has happened.
It's a very good question. Coming at your stage, your background and age, it becomes very easy and it's a very popular thing, very filmy thing. We think of romance as heavenly, divine. It is very easy to let a person become your life. It is very easy to let a person sit at the center of your universe.
But if you do that, you are making a very common, very primitive, and a very hurtful mistake. So, avoid.
