Why Is It so Difficult to Forgive and Forget?

Questioner 1: Why can’t we forgive some people, even though I know that thinking about them, I’ll hurt only myself? How to forgive and forget them, so that it will bring me peace?

Acharya Prashant: You see, you’ve checked into a hotel, the experience there is not good enough, right? Now two scenarios: First – In a fit, in a sway of rage, you check out of the hotel at midnight and find yourself on the road, on the pavement; and it's cold, it’s January. Second scenario – You check out of an inferior hotel and check in to a superior hotel, a wonderful one. When are you going to miss the bad hotel?

Questioner 1: In the first scenario, when I don’t get something good in life.

Acharya Prashant: That’s what. Life doesn’t afford vacuums. It cannot by its very definition because we’ve to be better. That’s the reason we keep looking for something to relate to, something to identify with, something to do, something to call our own, something to associate our name with because that’s the nature of human consciousness. We’re born to be better.

And there’s only one way to be better - associate yourself progressively with better people, better thoughts, better causes, better places, better work. So life keeps wanting betterment. Now incidentally, it may happen, happens with all of us, that you may associate yourself with something unworthy, relatively unworthy, happens with all of us, because there’s an error of judgment. And we ourselves are not so worthy, that we make the right decisions every time.

So that’s something that happens and will happen. But what does one do from there? One has to move on in a very progressive way, just moving on makes little sense. You’ve to ask yourself, “If I’m still the same person who got associated with the wrong person in the first place, have I moved on?” Moving on is not only about dropping a particular person, thing, or episode in life.

Moving on is actually about moving on from your previous inferior self, that’s the meaning of moving on. If you don’t move on in an internal way, you’ll find yourself staring at a vacuum. And we said, life doesn’t afford vacuums; so, that vacuum will be again filled by someone equally unworthy. That’s a terrible danger, isn’t it? And a waste of life.

So one has to keep getting better, and one has to keep identifying why one made mistakes in the first place. And when you ask yourself, what was it within me that pushed me to that person, thing, place, or relationship, you’ll discover a lot of that is still firmly seated within you. And that’s a thing of warning. One must be cautious at this point, no?

One stumbled because one was wearing dark glasses. One fell down and bruised her knees, and you get up and you curse the stone or the boulder you stumbled against. And you say, “I’m moving on, and I’m moving on with the same dark glasses.” You’re still the same person, you’ll again probably, unfortunately, meet the same hurt, no?

So, missing someone you had in your life at a point is a clear indicator that you are much the same person, you were at that point in time. At that point in time you were someone who was attracted to that person. And now you say, you’ve seen the worst of it, you don’t want to continue, you want to quit, and you say, you still miss that person. Then how are you different from the person, your previous self, that fell for that person in the first place?

You’re much the same, and if you’re much the same, then you’ll again receive hurt much the same. So internal development is the only solution. When you change from within, then your relationships, your thoughts, your ideologies, and your role models, all of them naturally change, without effort. And if you remain the same, then all the things around you, occupying your physical and mental space, too will remain the same.

How does one develop internally? Wisdom literature is the key. Read, read, and read. In fact, one mark of a great company is, does the person you’re with encourage you to read? You’ve to ask, “What does he bring for me? Roses or books?” And be very cautious of those who bring roses for you, especially red roses.

Books are what we all need, and books are dangerous. Books are dangerous because they make you better. When they make you better, you don’t fall for the inferior. Therefore if somebody has a stake in keeping you inferior, that person will keep you away from books. If someone has a stake in making you better, that person will push you towards books. Do you see this?

The purpose of a relationship is not cheap gratification. Remember who we are? We’re the ones born for improvement, therefore the purpose of a relationship is self-improvement. If a relationship doesn’t result in your internal improvement, it’s a bad relationship, right? So read, read a lot and if I may advise, you may begin with Vedanta.

I understand it’s not the in thing these days to go for wisdom literature, especially Vedanta. But I would put my weight behind this, and I vouch for this, you’ll benefit.

Questioner 1: Thank you so much. I’ll definitely try to read that and come out of the situation. Thanks a lot, it really helps me. Thank you.

Questioner 2: One related question. When you see your past memories, bad memories, bad associations, and you said, you’ve to see yourself very honestly. It becomes difficult, because most of the time what I see is some fault in the other person, and my behavior appears clean. So how to analyze unbiased and honestly?

Acharya Prashant: You see, I went to buy a sweater and this is what I picked, right? And now I find it has fourteen holes. Who has to be blamed? The sweater or the buyer?

Questioner 2: The buyer

Acharya Prashant: Right. So that’s it. If the other person is bad, then it is worse to fall for a bad person. The more you say the other person is bad, the more you prove you’re worse. If he is so bad, how did you fall for him? So don’t say that the other person is so bad, and I’m so great.

Had you really been great, you wouldn’t have fallen for a bad person. So this kind of self-victimization is self-defeating and self-exposing. One is not only making bad choices, one is not accepting that the fault lies within. One is trying to blame circumstances or fate, whereas the chief culprit is one’s own lack of discretion.

So, rather than engaging in needless fault finding, find out what is it within you, that pushes you to the wrong objects in life. Be it the wrong sweater, the wrong locality, the wrong profession, the wrong person, the wrong movie to watch, or the wrong restaurant to dine at. Now having used the word wrong so many times, I have fueled the question, what exactly is meant by wrong?

If we’re the ones whose purpose is to grow in life, then obviously only one thing can be wrong. To put oneself in situations or relationships that impede one’s growth, that’s what is wrong. Ask yourself, “Are my relationships, are my decisions good for my inner growth? Would they lead to inner clarity and freedom, or will they aggravate my existing bondage?”

Because I’m already in trouble. I’m already in trouble, is this relationship, is this decision to purchase or whatever, is this going to liberate me of my pre-existing troubles? Or is it going to aggravate them? So one has to have her eye firmly on the goal, and the goal is freedom from bondage.

On the yardstick of this goal, all of one’s decisions are to be weighed and assessed. Let there be no other consideration. You’re relocating to another city, you’re changing jobs, you’re entering a relationship, you’re picking up a book to read, always the criteria have to be one.

What is this thing in my life, this new thing in my life going to do to my consciousness? Is my mind going to feel freer, simpler, clearer, more illuminated? Or am I going to be more in bondage, in debt, in obligations? That’s the question I think one must ask.

Questioner 2: Thank you Sir!

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