The Fear of Loss in Relationship

Questioner: You explained in the beginning how fearlessness and authenticity are so closely related with each other, and how each of them actually gain strength from each other. But there could be a situation where one is very authentic - for instance, a mother with a child, or a wife with her husband - but still there is a fear of losing them. So, how do we overcome that kind of fear?

Acharya Prashant: You see, in authenticity, you are just that one thing. Just that one thing. Authentically, you cannot have woman-ness, or motherhood as your primary identity. I do not mean to say that a mother will be inauthentic, but if there is fear as a mother then it is important that we understand where the fear comes from. Authentically, we are only that which time cannot take away from us. The mother was not always a mother, motherhood came to her; it’s a worldly and a material thing. You are not always even a woman. You are not always even a person.

Whatsoever is there in the stream of time is only a shadow of what you authentically are.

So, even if there is a relationship that is accorded the highest status in the society, a relationship that holds the highest moral place - like a mother-daughter, mother-child relationship – it would still remain susceptible to fear as long as the person involved in the relationship, the one at the center of the fear, does not see that the primary identity cannot be that of a person or a woman or a mother.

We hold certain things very close to ourselves. Because we hold them close to ourselves, it becomes extremely difficult to see and admit that even these things are time bound and ephemeral; they depend on the tick-tock of the clock. We may not want to admit that, we may not be able to see that, but facts are facts. We cannot fight facts. So, we may fail to see that we are very identified with something that is time-bound but still this identification would have its effects, and the most perceptible effect is fear.

It’s often a complicated situation because if we know that the stuff we are holding onto is something that is ethically questionable, then it is easy for us to drop it. For example, somebody is attached to his ill-gotten wealth, and therefore lives in fear. If you tell this person that the cause of your fear is the wealth he is holding, then you can advise him very boldly, and he too will find an inner compulsion to drop the wealth.

The inner argument will be, firstly, the wealth is ill-gotten and secondly, the wealth is causing me trouble. Therefore, I must drop it, right? In that kind of a situation, it is easy to advice. But it becomes difficult and complicated when the thing that is keeping you in stress, anxiety, or fear is something that is socially sanctioned, something that you have always felt proud of, and yet in a very hidden way, it is a source of trouble and fear to you. Then, even if you come to know that this is where my problem is coming from, it becomes difficult to solve the problem.

Remember, the problem is not the thing that you are attached to. The problem is not the person that you have a relationship with. If you look at it closely, the problem lies not in the other thing or the person, but in the relationship that we have with the thing or the person. That thing could be money, that thing could be knowledge, and that person could be a husband, wife, a son or a daughter, a friend; anybody.

It is the nature of the relationship that is causing the problem. You could be fully authentic and still relate, and then all those relationships will, obviously, be authentic relationships. So, it is not as if living authentically means that one is going to be a loner, that one is not going to relate with people, or one is not going to be sociable; not at all.

One obviously lives in the world, so relationships are bound to be there. Man, as we know him, is a social creature; so the various kinds of ties with the society are also going to be there. It’s just the quality of the ties that needs to be scrutinized. If I am authentic, my relationships will be authentic. If I am not authentic, my relationships will be messy; they will be a source of trouble for the other person, and obviously, for me as well.

What does it mean to have an inauthentic relationship? We need to have a little bit of elaboration on this, because we have been just going on with the word authentic for a while. What does that practically mean? To be authentic is to be complete and secure in yourself. What do you call any authentic thing as? Anything authentic is not in need of further improvement or refinement; it is already authentic. Anything authentic is complete in itself; you do not need to add something to it, in order to give it value. That is the way the authentic mind functions. It does not relate to the other in order to gain completion through the other. The other, as we have said, could be a thing or a person.

If we are not authentic, then the other will be used by us, exploited by us in order to gain our own inner completion. We will say, “You complete me.” We will say, “This job will make my life worth living”, or vice-versa: “If I do not have this job, then I feel reduced in my own eyes. This kind of an accomplishment will make me have some esteem in my own eyes. And if I do not get that accomplishment, then I will feel little and inferior”; these are signs of inauthenticity.

When you are inauthentic, then you are constantly looking towards the world, trying to relate with the world in a not very healthy way. I’ll look at this (referring to a audio recorder on the table) and I’ll want to keep it in my pocket. Or, I will look at this and I’ll see the name of the manufacturer, and some desire will rise in the mind: “Looks very nice, wish I could work with the manufacturer!” If I am young, I will look at an attractive person and say, “If I could have that person in my life, then won’t my life be raised to the next level?”

These are all tell-tale signs of inauthenticity; a feeling of incompleteness without something. That something could be even your favorite dress, favorite handkerchief, or anything! It would have been easy to see by now that inauthenticity is synonymous with dependence. And where there is dependence, there is bound to be fear. Is that not obvious? Where there is dependence, you cannot have loving and healthy relationships - be it with your books, or with your employer, with the society in general, with the planet in general, with your spouse, with your kids, or with yourself!

If I am alright with myself, if I feel complete with myself, then the nature of my relationship with my daughter would be entirely different. She is not here to give something to me; instead, I am so alright, so absolutely complete that I can take care of her. The very direction of the traffic reverses. Otherwise, there is exploitation. Unfortunately, that exploitation often looks like love; “I am attached to you, I depend on you”, and this is what I call as love. Or the other depends on me so much, and this is what I call as my responsibility; “I live to fulfill my responsibilities, because the other fellow depends so much on me.” That does not mean that one has to quit responsibilities. That merely means that one has to define her responsibilities a little more clearly.

If the other fellow is responsible on you, then your responsibility is not to keep the dependency going. If the other fellow is dependent on you, then the first responsibility is to reduce his dependence. But if the others dependence on us reduces, often we become redundant (laughs). Our own sense of purpose in life often comes from the meaning we hold towards others; “Why do I wake up each morning? Because I have to fulfill my responsibilities towards this, this, and this fellow!” One fine day I will find that all of them are sovereign, independent, and alright within themselves, then what will I wake up for? So, we tend to play those kinds of games with ourselves; those games are cute, but if they continue for too long, then the outcome is fear. And fear is not quite enjoyable, is it?

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