Stop Wasting Time on Trivia — Fight the Real Battle
Questioner: Pranam Acharya Ji. I am a 30-year-old mom of a three-year-old daughter and currently doing masters, and I am not financially independent. So, I am worried about getting a job, and sometimes, due to conflict with my husband, I am having psychosomatic problems. So, when we fight, because of our fights I notice my daughter is also getting affected. So, should I just refrain from fighting in front of her and go to bed without solving, like my husband is not bothered to resolve this on the same night, which leaves me sleepless? And this has been, like, for a year I am having insomnia because of these kinds of problems. So, how should I come out of it?
Acharya Prashant: From what I hear, the only problem, or the biggest problem, is that you are not financially independent. So, why will your husband quarrel with you over this one? If this is your biggest problem, why are you investing yourself in other little micro problems? Why are you fighting over petty things? Do you have the energy? Can you afford this? Or should you rather reserve yourself to fight the central problem? How will you get a job? How will you start a career if your energy and time are being distracted, dissipated in these narrow domestic quarrels?
Questioner: So, out of 10, 7 to 8 times I remain quiet and neglect the matter. But then sometimes…
Acharya Prashant: I am not asking you to remain quiet. I am asking whether there is some matter at all. If there indeed is a matter, then the Gita says, "Get up and fight." When there is something the matter, when there is something material, and by material I mean real, when there is something real at stake, then Gita says, "Get up and fight."
My question is: do you realize what really is at stake?
Your opening statement was, "I am a mother. I have this daughter and I am 30 years old. I am pursuing this degree. I am not financially independent." Now that is the war. Fight that war. You cannot fight on five disjoint fronts. Imagine Arjun has some little grudge against Bheem, and in the course of the Mahabharat war, he is also trading abuses with Bheem, fighting this side with Karn, and at the same time (little grudge against Bheem).
You have to pick up your battles very wisely. And once you pick it up, then you have to fight absolutely fiercely.
And the good thing with you is that you have identified the right battle to fight, right? And having identified it, why do you give space to these petty kinds of tiffs? “The food is not good. You smell bad. You do not flush properly. You are overspending on this thing. No, I would not watch that movie." That is the stuff of your usual domestic. What else do you fight over? Whether or not Trump should interfere in Ukraine? Is that what husbands and wives fight over? No. Only these things. "Why were you ogling at the neighbor?"
Focus on what is important and forget the rest.
And it is not so much about your daughter. You said, "Should we fight in front of her?" Now that is obviously bad if you are fighting in front of such a little one. But even if she is not present, you two are still very little. Why must you fight in front of yourself? 3 or 30, how does it matter? You still have to raise yourself, right? Just as you have to raise the kid. Not only must you not fight when she is there, you must also not fight when you are there. Focus on your studies.
Questioner: Yeah, but if it is unresolved then that keeps running in my mind at night also.
Acharya Prashant: Then get up and study. If some rubbish is circulating in your mind, get up and read your reference books, course books, vocational material and professional studies. I suppose you have a lot at hand. How do you manage to keep lying and thinking about trivia?
When I cannot sleep, I invest myself properly. In fact, I keep a lot of books close to my bed just in case I find I cannot sleep. Matters have come to such a point that I am working even when I am sleeping. A lot of situations, issues, problems that I face when I am awake, I find myself dealing with them even when I am asleep. And sometimes I come to brilliant conclusions and insights while sleeping.
You must know that there is a battle to fight and every minute has to be invested in it. If not while sleeping, then at least while you are awake. How do you afford to waste time?
Let me share a small personal thing with you. You know, there is a trainer here to assist us with the gym. He comes here and all of us who stay at Bodhsthal are supposed to benefit from him, though not all do. When I am with him, the days when I go to the gym, I spend around 50 minutes to an hour there. And I very well know that this time is for the body, right? So, whatever is to be done is to be done by the body. That is my personal calculation. It might not be very valuable or universally valid. And the trainer is there to direct my body to do what it has to do. My mind need not be occupied. So I spend that one hour thinking about things.
The trainer will tell the body, "Now, this particular exercise, these many reps," and I do not even try to remember which particular exercise I am doing. I just follow his instructions. I let the body follow the instructions, and that one hour I get to meditate in solitude. So, the body is gymming, and I am continuously at work here (Pointing towards the head). So much so that I totally forget which particular exercise I am doing.
So he chooses the exercise in pairs. He says, "This one, then this one. Right? So this, and then let us say leg press. Shoulder press and then leg press." So from shoulder press he will take me to the leg press machine, and once I am up from there I will forget that I have to return to shoulder press, because I do not remember. I do not need to remember. That is not a battle I need to fight. That is a battle for the trainer and this body. My battle is different.
In fact, I also forget the number of reps. What he is supposed to count. So, he told me, "Fine, proceed with this." I am doing this. And when do I have to stop? He will catch hold of the rod and make me stop, because I am not thinking about the rod or the number of reps. I am thinking about work. Let the body exercise. I am thinking about work, and those 50 minutes are good minutes because nobody is there to bother me. The trainer is there, and he knows nothing about work. So, he will not present any problem. Are you getting it?
You will not know when you will find the train departed. 30 is not 3 or 5. You never know when…How do you manage to waste time? Now, tonight you will be afraid of sleeping because of death.
Questioner: No, not because of death, but maybe: "Is it too late now to start? After 30.
Acharya Prashant: That is too late now. Do you have an option? Can you turn 20 now? If you are 30, and it is now that you realize, you will start at 30. You ask as if in these matters there is an alternative. Is there an alternative?
In a match of cricket, as a batsman I arrive when 5 wickets have already fallen and the asking rate is 12 per over. Do I have an option? Now this is when I have taken the guard, and this is what I have to deal with. Now deal with it, full stop. What is the point in asking, "Can we still salvage the match? Is it too late to rescue the match?" We do not know. We can only try. Make the utmost effort. Asking questions that have no definitive answer does not help anybody.
"I am 30. Is it too late?"
I do not know. Maybe, maybe not. Depends on you. But if you keep wasting time, it is definitely too late.
