Searching for one's missing part || (2020)
Questioner (Q): I'm not feeling completely good with myself. So, I'm trying to search for that missing part in others. Every single time I see someone, and I think, “Oh maybe I can be complete with this guy or with that guy”, and it comes irrationally, and I get sick of it. I want to feel good with myself. How can I come to myself and not to others?
Acharya Prashant (AP): One needs to experiment with her dependencies. The questioner says - she wants to feel complete with herself so that there may remain no need to get associated with this person, that person, and seek fulfillment in the other or through the other.
It hurts us when a disappointment comes in the form of a person – “I got associated with that person. And the thing didn't work out as per my expectation.” - That hurts. That hurts because that is very obvious. The proof is very sensual, very large, very undeniable. You see that you got into a relationship, and you go into a relationship with a person. The person is big, apparent, obvious, six feet. “I got into a relationship, it didn't work out, I'm hurt”. Right? But then why is it that we get into relationships, often into a series of relationships? Is it because those persons are extremely important or attractive? Or is it more because we have a tendency to get related? Is it about them or is it about us?
And if we have a tendency to quickly get attached or associated with somebody, then we will find some object from somewhere irrespective of the worth of the object, is that not so? Does it not happen that if you are very hungry, often you end up eating whatsoever is available?
So, the tendency is there – “I need, I need, I need. I must have somebody. There must be somebody to walk by my side…” all those things. And I said, in the case of a person, the result of that tendency is very obvious, very gross, you can see. The result is physical. You know that it is there. The proof is big and also the impact is big.
Why not take care of the tendency in small matters so that you do not have to face big disappointments? I will explain.
The one who gets attracted and attached to a man is probably also the one who has several other small teeny-weeny attachments and identifications in her life. But because they are small, they do not get noticed and because they are small, their consequences also remain comparatively small. So, those things keep flying under the radar without being spotted. Because they do not get spotted, we remain vulnerable to larger mistakes.
If you cannot live without, let’s say, a particular dress; you start feeling jittery and nervous and angry. If you cannot get that one particular dress that you so deeply desire, how will you live without a man? But when you cannot find a dress, then it appears all right to go after the dress. “You know, it's just a dress that I'm seeking”. The same tendency exhibits itself in our relationships as well. When I say relationships, I mean relationships with persons. Therefore, I said to begin with, that we need to experiment with our dependencies.
If you are dependent even on one small thing, rest assured that the tendency to be dependent will make you dependent upon much larger things and many other things.
Some of those things could be men. Be cautious. If you are cautious in these small matters, you will not have to suffer in the so-called “big matters”.
Before you crave for something or in the middle of that craving, ask yourself – “Is the thing really so important?” This question is miraculous.
The moment you ask this question, you discover that actually nothing is as important as we allow it to be. In other words, everything is only as important as we allow it to be.
No importance, no object, no thing, no person has any absolute value of its own. The value that you see in that thing is something that is proceeding from your own sense of incompleteness.
The more value you allot to something, the more you are reinforcing your own belief that you need that thing. Value is not absolute, not only is value relative. The more valuable something outside of you becomes to you, the more you have declared yourself to be desperately poor.
“Oh, I cannot live without that”. Whatsoever ‘that’ may be, if you cannot live without that, that only means that inside there is a big hollow. “I need that thing or that person, that man, that woman so much” – that only proves how denied and how unrich we are within.
Catch these things when they exhibit themselves in small matters. Do not be particular about this or that. Do not say, “I wear only red on Fridays”. It's silly but, the example, I mean. If you say, “I do only this on that day”, it is not a matter of discipline, it is probably more a matter of dependence, please see. “I cannot eat until I get that particular kind of sauce on my bread”. If you cannot eat without mustard sauce, probably you will also not sleep without some man. It's far-fetched, but hope you get the drift.
Do not let your inner welfare be conditional; helps. If your inner sense of well-being is dependent on favorable external conditions, then it's a very sorry state to be in, no? Because conditions are never under our control and I am saying, “I will allow myself to feel all right only upon the fulfillment of such and such external conditions.”
It is the nature of conditions to change. Conditions will fluctuate without your permission and then, what happens to your inner welfare? It's gone. And one then feels so much at the mercy of the world. Instead of inner strength, one finds herself in a state of inner helplessness. And it is no good to live in a weak and debilitated way, or is it? Is it a nice situation to be in if your basic wellness is tied to some happening, some possession, some person? Would you like that?
Almost as if your heart is beating outside of you, and the heart has a will of its own. It can walk away; it can stop beating; or worse still, it can start beating for somebody else. You do not want that state, right? Sadly, we are too eager to come to that state, all of us. And we find it quite fashionable to announce that “I have found my half, my better half”, or worse half, whatever.
What half? The fundamental of all wisdom is to know that you are the totality in yourself, indivisible totality, non-dual totality. The awakened ones have been teaching us non-duality and we talk the language of halves. How will it work?
This by the way does not imply indifference to others. This does not imply a lack of love in relationships. Instead, it implies a strong and healthy relationship with the world.
A relationship of dependence cannot be a healthy relationship. A relationship in which the other becomes central towards your well-being is not a welcome situation.
In fact, the other that has become central to your well-being, is he even worthy of offering you that wellness? Chances are he might himself be seeking that wellness from you or elsewhere. Being incomplete, you are seeking completeness from another incomplete one. Classically, it is called the case of two beggars uniting in the hope that the union will produce a billionaire. It does not. Half plus half equals one only in Mathematics, not in life. In life, half operating upon another half is a quarter.
So, be cautious of the small things. Catch your dependencies when they are still nascent. Do not let them take roots. Do not let it become a deep-rooted habit with you to get attached, to get identified, to obsess, to own, to possess.
Live lightly through life. Something is there with you today, next day obviously, it won't be there. Even you won't be there tomorrow, what to say of your possessions? And I'm not referring to merely death. You might be 25 today, where is the one who was 20 yesterday? Isn't he gone? How can you stop the other from departing when you could not prevent even your own old self from departing?
Remember your old self? The one that was there at the age of 5, 10, 15, 20, 30, today you are 45; where are all those selves? They all left you; it was a break-up. They are all gone, and you could not stop them, right? How can you then stop the other? That's the nature of the physical universe. Nothing here can be stopped; no point trying.
