Respectability Is Slavery
Questioner: Namaste Acharya Ji. I'm Aditya from Kolkata. My question is regarding a recent incident which got really viral on social media. A CEO of a very famous company was caught in a moment of intimacy with his HR head and it went viral. Lots of memes were made about it, and after that, the CEO applied for resignation from the post. I found out that he is also going to get divorced.
So my question is, the people who are so successful, well-recognized, admired, they often do such reckless things for something like a moment of pleasure or for some novelty. What is it inside that makes them do such things? Because they have everything. We also know that at one point of time, Bezos was the richest man on the planet, and his chats were also leaked, and that got him into his divorce.
So what is it inside us that we do such reckless things, even when we have everything?
Acharya Prashant: What is your entire structure? Your entire structure says the problem is that he was caught. The problem is that there are certain people who caught him doing something, and now that he is caught, it is an offense. So he had to resign, and then have a divorce, and such things.
There is no problem with the rich and the accomplished people only. It is a thing with the entire foundation of your society. He is not worse off than those who say they caught him. Right? You are the ones who are training people to succeed. You are the ones who are training people to sell away love for the sake of many other things. That's what everybody is doing. But even if you keep doing that, you remain restless. And that restlessness shows up in many ways. This was one of the ways, and it happened.
When it happens, you will want to pin the blame on the person who is caught. Why not ask, why do we have a society where a fellow has to hide his face over something as innocuous as being with a woman, that too in a public place?
The CEOs who are responsible for climate change, for all kinds of ills that plague this planet, do they ever hide their faces? No. You idolize them, rather. But for you, sex is such a big thing that you need to keep the strings fastened at any cost. Is this a healthy society? Do we really know what the important things in life are? No.
So we feed all kinds of nonsense to our kids, and then some of them — the top 0.1% — grow up to be really successful and rich people. But your success is garbage. And you may say you are a big man now, but see how dependent you are on all the small men. If the small men catch you with a woman, you are forced to resign from your bigness.
What kind of bigness is this?
You're saying you are a big man only as long as all the small ones approve of you. And the small ones still keep approving of you even if you have a lifeless marriage, a job that sucks, provided you keep donning the veneer of respectability and continuity. As long as you do that, you are an honorable one.
The small men extract a huge price. They almost blackmail you. Being called big by the small ones is a very expensive affair. They say, unless you are totally lifeless, we will not call you respectable. But we have been trained to buy respect. We have been trained to barter respect for life itself. That respect can come from riches, from position, from whatever.
I mean, come on, what is the point of being, whatever you said, one of the most successful people, or richest people, or most powerful people? What is the point in being rich, big, powerful or successful, if it is the small ones that still call the shots for you?
You can't go and dance as you please, so much for your success. Do you see how unfree such success is?
Do you see what kind of a prisoner you are? And that's what we are educated to be, that you must be successful and honorable, and that's why core philosophy asks you: honored by whom? If your honor sits on the head of a million pygmies, the mansion of your honor can collapse any time.
See, this fellow has to take their permission. Imagine, this fellow has to take their permission, and he is calling himself powerful. You have to take permission from the pygmies, and you are powerful. How?
Did he underperform on the job? But he has to be fired, otherwise the brand will suffer. So the board will decide, you know, you are a blot. You'll have to be wiped away. Your act is a blemish. Did he underperform on the job?
That's how all successful and rich people are brought up, you know. Buy respectability from the dwarfs. Often they even marry for success, and then there will obviously be no love in that marriage, but they'll think they made a good bargain. And all that shows up in moments like these. You thought you had a loving wife. Now see what you have. Stomping her feet and breathing fire, she walks out. And obviously now she'll have half or more of your wealth in alimony, plus the moral upper hand: "He cheated on me."
This is what your entire life has summed up to. This wife you called loving. This success you called lasting. See how you were kicked out of your office. See how your wife walked out on you. See how your kids are spitting on your face. See that you're always a loser. That's the thing.
We do not know the fundamentals of life. We do not know the real meaning of success. We do not know what love is. Very creaky foundations, we have.
And sir, that is not just with the big and the powerful. That's the condition of each one of us. You would be married, forty times a day you would want to cheat on your wife, and you would feel guilty because you would not know that she wants to do the same thing fifty times a day.
That's not a thing exclusive to the successful ones. Every single person who does not know the foundations of living will be living like this in a very secondhanded way. Love secondhanded, success secondhanded, respectability secondhanded.
Why are these two people together, the man and the woman? Why are they together? Any two people? Be it the two caught on camera, or be it the two living respectably in their fairy-tale household, why are these two together? Why don’t you ask basic questions? Why are these two together? Why are they sharing a bed? Why?
But these questions make you uncomfortable. They hold a mirror to you, and you don’t want to acknowledge your ugly face.
So, be it the big ones or the small ones, everybody in general, we continue living very lovelessly, very wastefully. And that will not allow you any kind of peace. So you'll wander from here to there. You'll hop companies, and you'll hop relationships. When you hop companies, that's straightforward — you simply resign and join another place. But in relationships, you have kids and all — so you can't just resign. And then what you have is called cheating. When your CV shows you've been to eight places, that's called experience. But when your relationship CV shows eight women, that's called promiscuity.
But isn't that much the same thing?
The problem is not that you are wandering to these eight or eighteen places. The problem is that the plane where you are wandering, where all these places are situated, you will never get rest. All these places are one. All these relationships are one.
In absence of self-knowledge, no relationship will ever give you peace. In absence of self-knowledge, no career move will ever satisfy you.
Questioner: Sir, we were just discussing that we are so much focused on sex. Like if we are so-called cheating in a marriage, you surely need to know that the person that we are in a lifeless marriage. I do not wish to continue. But is it such a big thing that you have to resign from such an important position? And it's just because of the brand?
Acharya Prashant: You see, your corporations are all social institutions. If you are somebody who does not follow social norms, you will be excluded from the corporations also. You do not understand that. Your corporations are also all social institutions, and they exist to further the wishes of the society.
Your corporations are all, in that sense, slaves of society. They cannot do something to radicalize the society or radically transform the society. They cannot do that. No corporation can ever be a social reformer, because it has to trail behind. It has to follow society. So, no corporation is going to antagonize the society, just as no political organization can antagonize the society.
When you are working in a corporation, you cannot be a social offender. By that I mean somebody who lives radically, somebody who lives freely. No company or whatever would tolerate you. Those are places meant for slaves. And to prove that they are not slaves, on weekends, they pick up their cruisers and ride up to Murthal from Delhi to prove that, 'We too are rebels; we are not slaves.
Questioner: Another interesting thing. There were a lot of memes. People were putting up the photo of the wife of the CEO and the person he was sitting with, and there was a comparison only of the looks. And I think we are missing the point here. It's always about the novelty, right? We are asking for something more, always.
Acharya Prashant: Sir, you are an Indian. You're talking about people comparing photos. How else do you get married?
Questioner: Exactly.
Acharya Prashant: All kinds of photos are there. You compare the photos and you get hitched. So, now if people are comparing photos, how is that abnormal?
What is your love beyond a photo? And does a photo have depth? No. It only has a surface. And that's how our love is. Our life is. Our upbringing is. So, no wonder people will juxtapose these photos and say, “You see, he had a fairy-like wife and four kids, and still he is going after this ugly-looking whatever.” I have not seen the pics by the way, but that's how the narrative will be.
Questioner: Exactly.
Acharya Prashant: "Such a sanskari wife he had, and still he is going after that."
You do not know the ways of love. You do not know life itself. You do not know who you are. You sleepwalk and then you feign offense and outrage when something outside the script happens. The script is, live like this, a strangulated life, and die in your unspoken misery, your traumatic silence one day, without uttering a noise.
But sometimes noises are uttered, and worse still, heard, and worse still, captured on camera. And then they become scandals. But they are just the whisperings of a grieving self.
What is the definition of cheating, by the way? What do you call cheating? What do you mean by cheating? A very peculiar word — Cheating. What is that? What is meant by cheating? Not only in a marriage, otherwise also. Somebody would say, "You know, he cheated on me."
What is meant by that?
Basically, "I own you." It's not only considered all right, even cute. So, the girl and the boy are walking, and another one passes by. A girl. A hot one. And this one turns to throw a glance, and the girl by his side pulls him away. And that's considered cute.
Is that cute? I don't know. The boy was ignorant, and the girl was violent. Ignorance weds violence. And by ignorant, I don't just mean negligent. I mean self-ignorant, oblivious of himself, not knowing who he is, therefore attracted to all and sundry. But that's considered cute. "You know how possessive she is? She does not like it when I am looking at other girls."
Somebody posted it in the community. There is that reel: a husband and a wife are in an elevator, and a skimpily dressed woman enters. And when she’s entering, he quickly steps forward because the door is about to close. And he does this (makes a pushing gesture to hold the door open) so that she may enter.
And then the rest of the video is about the wife doing this (makes a hitting gesture) to him all day because he did that (held the door open) so that the woman can enter. The wife slaps him like 10 times throughout the day — "Why did you do this (hold the door open) for that woman?" So this again and then again (makes a hitting gesture). He's sleeping and she comes and does this (hits him again). He's walking and this (hits him again). And that's considered so cute. There is a lot of background laughter.
The man is a slave of his hormones. So is the woman. And they don't have any relationship. And no man can ever have a relationship with any woman. Take it. It is impossible to be fulfilled by a person. No person can ever fulfill you. Therefore, the very concept of cheating is nonsense. And that which can fulfill you is not a person.
When I said no person can fulfill you, that does not mean that ten persons together can fulfill you. What I mean is that which can fulfill you is not a person. And I'm not referring to God, Almighty here. I'm referring to self-knowledge. I'm referring to having the guts to face the mirror. That alone can fulfill. This whole business, this whole thing about the holiness of marriage, if you have any insight, you will see through it. It is a hoax. It's a very primitive hoax, both biological and social.
You're not meant to be loyal to a woman. And no woman is created to show fidelity to a man. What do you mean by cheating? You're meant to live in another way, in another dimension. Even if you somehow display loyalty or allegiance to one particular human being, it would be just superficial, because of lack of opportunity or fear of consequences, mostly because of fear of consequences.
You can remain loyal your entire life, but that will be, as we said, just superficial.
Inwardly you would be all the time fascinating, because without facing the mirror you will have all kinds of these desirous worms squirming within, slithering little creepy things walking through your insides.
Superficially you can be very loyal. You know, my entire life I have not looked at anybody except Pati Parmeshwar, but inwardly the story will be very different. And you must suppress that inward thing because it is very horrific to look at. So you'll suppress it so that you may remain someone of resolute character. Even in your own eyes you'll suppress it. But that suppression won't work. That which is suppressed actually explodes and shows up in a hundred ways in all aspects of life. You'll become very violent even towards the one you profess loyalty to.
If you have someone who is very loyal to you, be cautious. That fellow is also very likely to be very violent towards you. And that violence may not always be in the usual ways. Violence too has very innovative ways of surfacing.
If I remember correctly, about twenty-five years ago, there was a work by the name Ladies Coupé. So, there are these ladies who meet in a coupé in a train, and they all then share their life stories. One of the stories is that this man was utterly handsome, she was married to. Very handsome, like a Greek god, that handsome. And this woman was very ordinary looking, but she had a career and some self-respect. This man destroyed both. And then she did not even realize what she was serving to him as meals and why she was doing that.
She would cook utterly delicious food for him every day. And in five years, the man was obese, rotten, and a heart patient. She remained unflinchingly loyal to her oppressor but prosecuted him in a hidden way. He was very proud of his looks. She said, I’ll give you food, very yummy food, and utterly delicious food because I’m a loyal wife. So I’ll give you great food and I’ll give you food that will kill you. And she was doing it totally unconsciously. It was only later that she realized what she was doing.
The kind of loyalty you see around you is very violent. By the way, men live five years fewer than women, and women are known for being more loyal. I don’t know if there’s a correlation.
Questioner: Sir, I want to actually say there is a compulsion of early marriage. So you were talking about the holiness of marriage, and in one of the interviews a very famous Indian entrepreneurial personality, who actually hailed from your academic institution, was a judge in one of the reality shows. He was saying the virtues of early marriage, that he completed his post-graduation and graduation at one go and immediately got married, and then he figured out what to do in life. And that way he was justifying that you get a clear mind, that you get to figure out what to do in life.
And we often see that many sportspersons like footballers, they get a huge contract from a club, and at the age of twenty-one they get married and often have like three or four children thereafter before thirty. There is this compulsion of early marriage or marriage at all. And we often get stuck with the wrong person or maybe with a person at all.
Acharya Prashant: There is no compulsion. It's either a slavery you buy into or just an expensive luxury that the rich afford.
Yes, you are saying that footballers and all get married at twenty-one and then have kids. What you're not saying is that they also get divorced at twenty-three. It's just fun. Good pastime. How many of them stick to one partner? Because they have money. There must be something to do. So go get married. What else to do with the money? Go buy the sexiest woman possible. What else to do with the money?
So that's what it is. As for the said gentleman, I do not know who you're referring to. But all that he is saying is founded on the assumption that right now he has figured out what to do in life. The argument runs like this: complete BTech and MBA in one go without a gap. Then get married early, get kids early, and now you are successful. So the entire argument rests on the belief, the assumption that right now you are successful. You have made it. It's a self-declared success of no avail. We have dime-a-dozen stories of successful ones who unravel very quickly.
See, the thing is, please understand, all this that we are doing — success, marriage, fidelity, money, prestige, whatever, all these are founded on self-ignorance. That is the problem. You have just no idea. Please understand. See, there is this universe. There is this tiny planet. What the hell are you doing on this little ball? Please tell me. There is this little spherical speck of dust and you're sitting on it. Who are you? Have you ever engaged in this question? Have you?
I mean, you just take birth and start sleepwalking, and then you say, you know, my aunt whispered in my ears that you must have this degree, and you must move to the States and earn in dollars and get a green card, and then you are successful, and such things. So you obey the script. You never ask, where the script is coming from? Who finalized my character there? Why should I call that fellow as respectable? Why should I call that one successful?
You never ask these questions. These are very basic questions. How do you even move an inch without asking these questions? Yes, the answers might not be straightforward, but the questions are very valuable and they must remain.
Somebody tells you go get married, bear your kids. What do you know? You don't know your own birth, and you are giving birth. Can one be more stupid? You don't know what birth means, right? You don't know what life means, and you are saying, now this little thing, I have given him birth or her, whatever, and then you are successful. That's another thing in the success CV, right? How many kids do you have now? It's like a weight off your mind. Another box ticked. Yes, now I have kids. Done.
How do you know? Who told you? Where are these commandments coming from?
Questioner: Sir, on one hand the company which we spoke about is sacking this person and he's resigning from his position, and on the other hand there is a gentleman called Elon Musk. He is marrying and giving kids here and there and no one is questioning anything, because he is marrying and he is doing the holy job of bearing a child and raising them in whatever way that might be.
There is a clear contradiction between these two.
Acharya Prashant: That's for you to see. But if I remember, you too started this conversation with an air of outrage. You know, this fellow, this fallen human being, this pervert creature, he was in a music concert with some woman. I am not endorsing him. In fact, at most, I can pity him. He based his life — both personal and professional — on such weak foundations. An utter slave to others' commands, and that too commands of the pygmies. The pygmies decide whether he can be accorded a character certificate.
Instead of jumping into the bandwagon of popular opinion, hold your horses. Ask yourself what's really going on. Don't let them mean too much to you. Else they have the pygmies. They might measure up at max to your knee, but they have a way of catching your collar. Don't let them mean too much to you.
First of all, go for the most important questions and pursuits in life. No point playing blind. Before you start walking, start opening your eyes.
Another story I would recommend you to read, The Country of the Blind by H. G. Wells. And that story has both the ingredients you are so curious about — blindness and romantic love. There is a scene in the story. So, this man can see but accidentally he has strayed into the country of the blind, where everybody has been blind for generations. So blind that they have now become accustomed to blindness and they have forgotten that they are blind. All their ways, customs, cultures, structures have now adapted to blindness.
This striking scene, this man with vision, with two healthy eyes, has been caught and is being dragged by two blind men, one holding each arm of his. Do you see how powerful the imagery is? Two blind men, one on this side, one on that side. They are holding this one by the arm and they are leading him, dragging him.
I was teaching this to young students like twenty years back. They were not even college kids. This one was with school students actually, class 11th or 12th something. I asked them, "Who are these two people?" Nobody responded. Everybody laughed and they kept laughing. These were kids. And I asked, who are these two people who know nothing, are totally blind, but are dragging this one and telling him, you don't know a thing, we will show you the way.
Who are these two people?
They didn't utter a word. They just kept laughing. School students just kept laughing. That's the tragedy of life. As you grow up, you stop laughing at stupidity.
As you grow up, you start obeying stupidity. Remain that kid who can laugh at stupidity in its face without fear.
Questioner: Thank you, sir.
