Relationships Based On Needs || AP Neem Candies
Acharya Prashant: You may argue that in spite of being needy, we still see many well-structured, well-oiled, well-ordered societies. A lot of forceful alignment takes place there. To fulfill the superficial needs, deeper needs are often curbed. To fulfill the needs of a few, the needs of others are compromised. And to fulfill the needs of man, the needs of jungles and animals and ecology are compromised. And to fulfill the needs of one section of society, the demands of another section of society are either curbed or negotiated or postponed or made conditional. That’s what gives us a semblance of order. I am talking repeatedly of order because our needs are so very impossible and contradictory to the other’s needs that fulfillment of needs is an impossibility.
We often talk of harmonious coexistence. If you will look at it, you will see what an absurd oddity it is. You need one woman; he too needs the same woman. What is meant by harmonious coexistence, then? The Earth does not have infinite resources. You need the same building that he does. What do you mean by harmonious coexistence? And you do not know where desire departs from need, so you do not want a portion of that building, you want that entire building. Sharing the building appears so much like a compromise on the need; it appears like injustice.
That is why a society that is based on needs will necessarily have to have duties. That is why all the morality becomes so important: because needs will always be in disagreement with each other and with the other’s needs. Then you need a mechanism to control the needs: that mechanism is called duties, that mechanism is called moralities. And that is why kids have to be taught morality since an early stage: because we are a people deeply invested in our needs, we are a people deeply identified with our needs. Therefore, we have to be given a break because we are already wedded with one foot to the accelerator. And then that is what life becomes—accelerating and braking. Needs tell you to accelerate, duties tell you to brake.
Do you see the flavor of our relationships? Do you see what kind of lukewarm existence there would be when you are always wanting and wanting? The only way out is to be situated at a point that does not want—at a point that is alright in itself, by itself; a point that is not dependent on others.
Only in aloneness can you have relationships that are not exploitative. Otherwise, it doesn’t matter what name, what color you give to your relationship; your relationship will definitely be one of exploitation. Have you ever looked at your relationships closely? Do you ever want the other? No, you just want to exploit the other. The proof of that is, that which you want through the other, if it is not obtained, you start disliking the other.
You never want the other; you always want something through the other—that is, you want to exploit the other.
Ask yourself. You may say that you are in love; you may claim that you have ever loved somebody. Do you love that man, or do you love what you get through that man? And if you do not get what you want from that man, you start hating that man. Had you wanted the man himself, the man was easy and available; but no, you had needs that you wanted fulfilled through the man. And that is a life of need; that is a relationship that has no aloneness. That is when you just want to consume and exploit and get your fingers into the other’s flesh.
I am again asking you. Look at every single one of your relationships. Is there any relationship that does not involve getting something through the other person? And if you stop getting what you get through the other person, would your relationship remain unaffected? Only in aloneness can you have a relationship that can be unconditional, a relationship that does not want something from the other, and therefore the relationship is stable, unintrusive. As long as the relationship is of need, the relationship will remain one of violence.
You can never be more violent upon anybody than upon someone you love—so-called love—because the greater is your love for someone, the greater is your investment in that person. And you invest in someone only to get returns.
You never want the other person; you want returns from the other person. When those returns are not forthcoming, have you seen how you shout, how you go breathless, how you panic, how you stamp your feet, how you pull the other’s hair, how you pull out your own hair? Have you seen this? Have you seen the orgy of your own frustration? Where does that frustration come from? That frustration comes really from an absence of love; that frustration really comes from an absence of aloneness.
