Patriarchy: What Exactly Do You Need to Fight?
Questioner: Namaskar Acharya Ji. My question is: how to maintain consistency towards my goal while I am living in a patriarchal society where girls are forced to get married. Like I am currently preparing for government examinations. And I'm disturbed, not able to give 100% towards my studies at all, and not able to focus properly. Please help me out.
Acharya Prashant: See, first thing — nobody can force you into anything if you have no greed towards something. Because the days of physical compulsion are well behind us. Women are physically a bit weaker, so it used to happen in times when we were not very civilized that men could coerce them using sheer muscle power. Those days are behind us. That does not happen anymore. That cannot happen anymore. You have institutions, you have the law, you have the police, and you have the gun, right? And the gun does not listen to muscles.
So, how is it possible that one human being is able to coerce another human being into something she does not want to do at all? How is it possible? Have I framed the question rightly? Physical compulsion is ruled out. Then how is one human being, who happens to be a man, able to probe another human being? Something is going on, right? What's going on?
I always try to tell my women listeners: you're not being defeated. You are surrendering to something. That is the difference.
You cannot be defeated without your consent. And when defeat comes with your consent, do not call it defeat honestly. Just call it willful surrender.
And if you want to be even more blunt, then call it a deal. It's not even surrender. It's a deal. I will bow down to your wish, Mr. Patriarch, and in exchange I will avail such and such benefits, Mr. Patriarch. That's the deal.
Now, why do you call it exploitation at all then? Please, if you are cutting a deal, if you're signing an agreement — not on paper, mutual understanding — why do you say that the woman is being coerced? Nobody can force you into submission. You are not a kid. You are not uneducated. And we are not living in the Dark Ages.
There is something in you that agrees to the demands being made by the patriarchal system. Question that. Do not just keep blaming patriarchy. What is it in you that yields, surrenders — and that thing is called greed. That thing is called ignorance. That thing is called fear. Illusion. If I bow down, if I sell myself out, I'll get a happy life. Illusion. So that's what you need to fight against — your illusions.
And women, let's accept it, live more in dreams compared to men, don't they? Being of emotional disposition in a biological way, it's so easy, rather comparatively easier to sell dreams to them, and they buy those dreams. Why do you buy those dreams?
The tall knight with the shining armor on the white horse with wings. He'll come to take me away to the fabled land of infinite promises and immeasurable love. Why do I need to strengthen my muscles? Why do I need to fight it out? My knight is almost ready with his horse, and my job in life is to locate my knight and give myself to him.
I know I'm generalizing, but just try to see whether there is some fact in what I'm saying. And then, when the promised land doesn't show up, when the dream doesn't materialize, then we say, "Oh, we have been exploited."
You must be like 18, 20, 22, 24, 26, right? You must be in that age bracket. In that age bracket, you are physically the strongest. This is the period in your life when you are at your physical peak. Don't you have muscles? Don't you have legs to run away? You have legs. You can run away. You have muscles here. You can slap somebody. And you have a brain here. You can think.
How do you say you are being exploited? And you are educated, right? So wherever you are, you will manage a living. Won’t you be able to earn even 8,000 or 10,000 for yourself, please? But then, why take the pains to earn money when money can be had for free?
I am Mr. John's better half. Look at the kind of propaganda and hideous lies embedded in our language. Mr. John's better half. I'm Mr. John's better half. I lay claim to half his property. Why do you need to earn then? You just need to have a certain Mr. John in your life.
So then, somebody can definitely force you into submission by offering you Mr. John, or by threatening that your prospects of having Mr. John would be reduced if you don't yield. And then you say, "Oh, right. Let me agree to whatever papa is saying because papa is going to have a great role in fetching me my Mr. John."
That's what — you talked about government job, right? It's great that you, as a woman, are preparing for that kind of a competitive examination. But don't you know the ugly facts on the ground? All across the country, especially in North India, parents of girls are so eager to marry them off to somebody with some kind, any kind of a government job. And the girl too is equally eager.
And who will fetch that government job groom? Papa will fetch that groom. So how dare then you resist papa? How dare you do that? Because all that I want to have is comfort. And I also don't want to run the risks of living independently.
Living independently is bliss. But it comes with a price.
I don't want to pay the price. I want to take the easier option. Am I exaggerating? Probably I am, just for the sake of effect. So keep the exaggeration aside and see whether there is some truth in what I'm saying.
Questioner: Thank you sir. I'm really satisfied with your answer.
Acharya Prashant: I'm surprised.
Questioner: Thank you.
