Parents Insist on Horoscope and Find the Guy is 'Manglik'

Questioner: Good evening sir. I’m…. and I’m a PhD student here at IIT, Kanpur. Sir, I have a very personal question. Being a girl child, especially in India, comes with very different sets of consequences. Despite being given equal opportunities like education and skills, at the end where we’re supposed to get a proper match, we’re being judged merely on two and I guess only two things, which are first, how you look and second, does your Kundli match with the groom or the guy.

So, right now I’m witnessing a very disturbing thing. There’s a girl who is a surgeon by education. She is completely independent, yet, her matches which are being filtered by her parents who are well educated, are completely based on the guy Manglik, irrespective of whether the guy is fulfilling the education eligibility or personality or other things which are supposed to be considered. So, how to handle this situation?

Acharya Prashant: Relieve yourself of the obligation to handle this situation. You handle a situation when; first of all, you’re in the situation. Just drop the situation, just move past the situation. I mean, the girl in question is a qualified doctor. You said, “She’s a surgeon.” The first thing I find amusing is how is she outsourcing all these matters to other people. I mean, medical studies, are long-drawn affairs. She must be over 25 at least, 28, 30, maybe 32. I don’t know what’s her age.

Questioner: That is another point that she has passed a certain…

Acharya Prashant: Right. That also means that she has gained a certain maturity, I do not see that as a disadvantage. If she is 32, she is more mature than the ones who are 25, right? So, she is mature enough and she’s a qualified surgeon. She might be earning as well, If not a salary, then at least a stipend?

So, she is earning handsomely, educated, and when it… come on, that’s a bit of a joke. Why is she looking towards the society, which includes a family or whatnot to fetch her a groom? Why is it happening in the first place?

See, let’s say, “I’m an elephant. I am a qualified elephant. With all the mass, the size, the energy, the bulk, everything. I’m a qualified elephant.” And then, you know, I’m going to rabbits and to deer and to mice and I’m asking them, “Can you fetch me some grains, some grass?” Does it behoove me? I should do it for myself. Come on. DIY. That’s my advice to all girls. Simple. And to all boys. Why are you unnecessarily troubling your old parents, what’s the point?

It’s their time to get into deeper pursuits of life — Some pilgrimage, some spirituality. There are a lot of other things. Let them live their life to the fullest. First of all, the poor souls suffered in their own affairs. Now you are putting the load of your affairs on their head. No, no, no. I’m telling you, “They’ll be very happy.” Just tell them, “Ma-papa, you do not need to bother about this particular thing. I’m Atmanirbhar.”

So, that’s what is self-sufficiency. And once you have outsourced this function, you have lost the right to complain. Now how can you say that they are choosing the groom based on these criteria or that the groom is looking at me only with eyes of lust and physicality, the horoscope has become all important and the girl’s figure and body and sexuality have become all important. Come on, you did it to yourself. How are you now complaining?

If you didn’t want this to happen, you should have; first of all, kept matters in your hands. The elephant has been begging the rabbits, “Go fetch me some grains and grass,” and the rabbits will choose the grass based on their own tastes. And when the rabbits bring the grass to the elephant, the elephant says, “Oh, I do not like this grass. I’ll complain about it in an online interaction.” But if you wanted the grass of your own size and color and flavor, then you should have done it…

Questioner: On your own.

Acharya Prashant: On your own and for yourself. It’s such an intimate thing. It’s the most intimate thing possible. Is it not?

Questioner: Yes, sir.

Acharya Prashant: What are others doing in this matter? And even if others do poke their nose in, they very well know that they cannot avoid the fact of intimacy for too long. All kinds of interactions are going to happen between the girl and the groom. Will the parents be there to intervene and mediate? Will they enter the bedroom as well? Will they be a party to all kinds of interactions that happen between the man and the woman? Not necessarily sexual but of all kinds. So, I find those parents very irresponsible who make their presence mandatory in matters where they actually have no say, no reason to be present.

The man is there, the woman is there and both are adults and they will decide on their own matters. What is anybody else doing in this scheme of things? Now obviously, if you want advice, you can respectfully seek advice. That is one thing, but it is another thing to be obliged to have a mediator, a governor, or a decider. Are you getting it? And once you accept that kind of mediation or outsourcing, I do not think you have the right to complain.

There are so many men in the world, of so many types. A lot of them would be naturally lustful, given the kind of people we are. How are you obliged to bear the gaze of the lustful ones? If you come across a lustful one, what do you do? You walk away. Now you stand in front of that person. And he’s ogling and staring and measuring your body with his eyesight and you still keep standing there, and right in front of him. And then you complain, “Why are men like this? Why are men like this?”

Men will be men when women will be women. Why don’t you simply walk away? We can start a program of social reformation, obviously. We can start a program to civilize the menfolk, obviously. But when you are encountering a man who is measuring you mostly by the shape and size and the attractiveness of your body, then that’s not the point in engaging with that man. Disengage. Look elsewhere. Start walking. There’s no point in complaining. There are so many of them.

Pick and choose. Commodities. Aloo. Potatoes. What do you do when you come upon a rotten one? You just toss it away. You pick up another one, right? You do not go to the Ministry of Agriculture and start proposing a way to have better potatoes. All that can happen, in due course, but first of all you pick up a rotten potato or a fruit or whatever it is. Then you embrace it for life and you keep cooking. There is no point. One thing that all wisdom is founded on, is your right to choose.

You have the right to choose. Why then must you act as if you are under compulsion? Nobody can force your hand. Remember your right to choose. Always take the onus of your life on yourself. The responsibility is all yours. I could have gone into and launched myself into a long lecture on what kind of stupidity this horoscope-matching thing is and it is absolutely nonsensical to think of Manglik and whatnot. But I’ll not talk of that. Why must I talk of that? If there is something you do not condone if there is something you do not accept or like, reject it. Simple.

There is no need to even justify it to others. There is no need to even first of all try to correct that thing. Let the society believe in horoscopes. If you know all that is stupidity, just silently, walk past that thing.

An educated woman acting helpless and choices is not a pretty sight to behold. You are a human being. You are a consciousness with choice and you have been empowered internally with education and externally with laws. This country works on the rule of law and the laws are very, very, favorable to women.

In fact, men complain that the laws are actually too favorable to women. So, you are educated. You have the support of the laws. Why are you acting so dull and helpless now? Rise, exercise your choice, and live a free life. An external freedom, even if it’s guaranteed by law, will not be of much use if you are internally still enslaved. Enslaved by custom, tradition, emotions, ignorance. That’s what happens with a lot of educated women as well. Highly educated yet internally uneducated, so they do not know their own emotions.

PhDs from the topmost universities of the world, Indian women, and yet internally they live in an emotional darkness. A darkness they have never bothered to penetrate with the light of wisdom. What is the result? Suboptimal decisions in life influenced decisions in life, destroyed careers, bad kinds of relationships, irreversible bondages, not entirely irreversible but difficult to tackle.

Why? Because there was education, in terms of a degree, there is economic opportunity, and there is legal support, yet internally she was still what women have always been, for centuries. That internal freedom can come only from self-knowledge — that’s Adhyatma, that’s wisdom, that’s Vedanta. I’m fond of saying, “Spirituality is the best friend of a girl.” That alone can empower her and give her wings.

Questioner: I personally agree with what you have said and I’m also a believer of it. Talking about why… I cannot talk about all the women. I am talking personally about the case which I’ve shared. Why that individual is doing what is suboptimal to her is just for the sake of the happiness of her parents. Because, again, in Indian thing I want to focus on. We do most of the things to make our parents happy and keeping our parents away from this is a life-altering decision, it’s not part of our tradition…

Acharya Prashant: See, see. That’s why you need wisdom so that you know the right definition of happiness. So that you know what is the common goal of all individuals including your parents. You want good things to happen to your parents, right? You must first of all know the definition of goodness. Happiness is not goodness. A drunkard can start feeling very happy if served some nonsense. You do not want to do that to him, right? And all of us are drunkards. The entire humanity is drunk. That’s what is meant by inner ignorance.

So, making somebody happy is not the right thing you want to do to him. Think of what makes a little kid happy — wants more and more chocolates. Do you want to feed that to him? Happiness is such a small thing, an influenced thing and a conditioned thing. Similarly, tradition. What is tradition? What people have been doing for long is tradition. So? Explain how what people have been doing since long becomes the right thing to be done today.

Please explain. There is no explanation anybody can offer. So, what is the worth of any tradition? Truth has no patience with tradition at all, mind you. You can choose one of these two. Either truth or tradition. And it’s so amusing, rather horrifying, that people especially in this country, have been conflating truth and tradition. They think if something is traditional, it is truthful. What can be further away from the truth? I fully understand and I want kids to do good things to their parents and I want parents to bring goodness to their kids.

But goodness is contained neither in tradition nor in happiness. Goodness is a different being altogether. Goodness is welfare. Goodness is the elevation of consciousness. Goodness is freedom and liberation. Goodness is the light of self-knowledge. That’s what you must bring to your parents and to your kids. But, you know, it’s a very entangled mess. If you’ll have to go deeply into it, you’ll have to understand what love is.

We think love is about making the other happy. So far removed from the truth, once again. Love is also not about making the other sad. Love is about bringing light to the other person, bringing wings to the other person, bringing sense to the other person — That’s what love is. So, if you love your parents, bring some sense to them. If you love your friends or your kids, bring sense to them. That’s what love is.

Questioner: I would like to ask just last one question. How to begin this conversation of bringing this light to the ones who we respect and here I’m talking about our parents…

Acharya Prashant: I’ll turn the question on its head. Why is it difficult to begin this conversation? Had it been easy, you wouldn’t have asked me. Why must it be difficult? Just as you say, “Tea or coffee?” Begin the conversation. There is no difficulty in it. You are trying to actually do something good. Why must that be, first of all, blocked by an inner sense of difficulty?

Think of the surgeon. When she’s to perform surgery, would she consult her parents? And being a surgeon, she would perform, like, hundreds of surgeries in her career, wouldn’t she? I suppose if she’s a few years into her career, she would have already performed dozens of surgeries at least. Does she consult the parents?

Questioner: [shakes head]

Acharya Prashant: Now tell me, how many times do you get married in your life?

Questioner: Once. If you are lucky, once.

Acharya Prashant: Yeah, if you are lucky, you don’t get married at all, right? The probable number is one. Otherwise, it could be two or three. But the most probable number is one. Now surgeries there are hundreds that you perform. Marriage there is just one that you get into. Which one is more important? Which one is more important?

Questioner: According to me both, sir.

Acharya Prashant: No, not for the patients, but for the surgeon.

Questioner: Surgery.

Acharya Prashant: Surgery. Now even for the surgery which is of much lesser importance to her, she knows she is self-sufficient. Even for a thing of lesser importance, she knows she is self-sufficient, whereas the thing is of a matter of life and death for the patient. Then how is she not self-sufficient when it comes to the marriage? No, please, logic. And if the parents are to be consulted for marriage, then they should be present at the operating table also. Also, that pandit with the Kundli, matching the horoscope of the patient with that of the nurse or the doctor or whatever and saying that the operation can happen only in this particular Mahurat.

I mean, it’s pretty interesting — why are operations not done as per Mahurat? Think. Somebody’s life is at stake. Or is life inferior to a wife? When the wife is at stake, you say mahurat. And right now, somebody is literally ripping open your stomach and your heart, finding just blood there; no love and no horoscope is being consulted. That’s what happens in the absence of a spiritual environment. Even the simple things get complicated. All right.

Questioner: Thank you so much, sir.

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