Litmus Test for Exploitative Relationships || AP Neem Candies

Acharya Prashant: Only in aloneness can you have relationships that are not exploitative. Otherwise, it doesn’t matter what name, or what color you give to your relationship; your relationship will definitely be one of exploitation. Have you ever looked at your relationships closely? Do you ever want the other? No, you just want to exploit the other. The proof of that is, that which you want through the other, if it is not obtained, you start disliking the other.

You never want the other; you always want something through the other—that is, you want to exploit the other.

Ask yourself. You may say that you are in love; you may claim that you have ever loved somebody. Do you love that man, or do you love what you get through that man? And if you do not get what you want from that man, you start hating that man. Had you wanted the man himself, the man was easy and available; but no, you had needs that you wanted fulfilled through the man. And that is a life of need; that is a relationship that has no aloneness. That is when you just want to consume and exploit and get your fingers into the other’s flesh.

I am again asking you. Look at every single one of your relationships. Is there any relationship that does not involve getting something through the other person? And if you stop getting what you get through the other person, would your relationship remain unaffected? Only in aloneness can you have a relationship that can be unconditional, a relationship that does not want something from the other, and therefore the relationship is stable and unintrusive. As long as the relationship is needed, the relationship will remain one of violence.

You can never be more violent upon anybody than upon someone you love—so-called love—because the greater is your love for someone, the greater is your investment in that person. And you invest in someone only to get returns.

You never want the other person; you want returns from the other person. When those returns are not forthcoming, have you seen how you shout, how you go breathless, how you panic, how you stamp your feet, how you pull the other’s hair, how you pull out your own hair? Have you seen this? Have you seen the orgy of your own frustration? Where does that frustration come from? That frustration comes really from an absence of love; that frustration really comes from an absence of aloneness. That central point is called variously as Ātman or Heart or Truth or Core or Source or Center. It is that point that does not need or depend. That point is your only strength. That point is the foundation on which you can stand. That point is the center around which you can go about living your life.

If you live your life at that point of aloneness, then your relationships will have a different color. Then you will really be free; then you will not be a slave. Then you would neither be exploited nor would you be exploited. Then your very presence would be a becalming presence.

The question is, if one is really alone, will he need any kind of relationship? So, one can wear a mask for two reasons: one, to hide his apparent ugliness—you can wear a mask like makeup, and then you are trying to hide your ugliness—or you can wear a mask, as kids sometimes do, to have…?

Questioner: Fun.

Acharya Prashant: In your aloneness, you have relationships and great relationships, and those relationships are good fun. When you are needy and lonely, then your relationships are like bandaids: they are there to take care of your wounds. And then, for the relationship to exist, wounds become necessary. Now you know why we keep on cutting ourselves in all the places: if you don’t have wounds, most of your relationships will fall off. Of course, I mean, unless the bandaid too becomes some kind of a dressing accessory; it’s possible. A kind of tattoo or something.

Questioner: But sharing is…

Acharya Prashant: All of that is modern-day hogwash. Share what? Why share? Is the other person in need? The Ātman is infinite; it never overflows. Only little containers overflow; the infinite never overflows.

So, all this thing about sharing and overflowing you will never find in the Upanishads. All of this is neo-spirituality, which is basically holy nonsense. Have you ever shared without need? Please. Even sharing can be a need. It’s like gossip: you are itching to share. What else is gossip? Please, tell me. Frantically you are trying somebody’s number because you want to share something—don’t you see it’s such a great need, this sharing?

A real relationship is very, very unpredictable. One shares there, one does not share there, and all of that happens in new, unique, and indeterministic ways. What is certain is that you do not need to share; even without sharing you would be okay. One does not need to share. But yes, if the situation arises and the other is there, and it might be beautiful to share; sharing happens. One does not intend to share; sharing may happen, and sharing may not happen. One is right with sharing, one is right without sharing. And one does not depend on any one particular individual to share. “I have such great news to share only with my husband”—now, that is not aloneness. What kind of great holiness is this that can be shared only with one particular individual? This is not aloneness; this is dependency.

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