How to Handle Insults?

Questioner: Hello, sir. My name is Chetna. My question is: whenever someone insults me, I am not able to forgive them. I feel deeply hurt, and that hurt is prolonged. And even after a long time, I'm not able to forgive the people who hurt me. So, I don't like this about myself. How can I change this?

Acharya Prashant: Any kind of harm that can come to you, can come only due to lack of self-knowledge. We live, we say: we exist. We keep on uttering the word ‘I'. But we never clearly, very assuredly know, 'Who We Are.' There is a vague feeling there is some kind of estimate that we carry. We have a hazy figure of ourselves. But we do not know for sure who we are and what we are referring to when we say ‘I'. So, that is our situation.

We walk around, we carry I-cards, we carry Aadhaar cards. We say we are, “I am, I exist.” “I am, I exist, but I never fully, surely, clearly know who I am.” What is the result? Let's conduct a small experiment, here itself. Let's say, we do not know the name of this flower, right? Let's say, we do not know the exact name of this flower. So, now give it a name. Give it a name; give it some name. Chetna, give it a name.

Questioner: Lily.

Acharya Prashant: Lily, right. She does not know, but she is still giving it a name, right? Now, you here, someone else, just raise your hand, just anybody. Can you be fully sure that this is not Lily? You do not know what this flower is. Can you be fully sure what its real name is?

Questioner: No.

Acharya Prashant: So, she said ‘Lily’. When I do not know whether or not this is actually Lily, there remains some probability that this might be Lily, right? The probability that this is Lily can never become…? Come on to zero. Because, I do not know whether this is Lily or not.

Now, I might as well say something totally absurd about this flower. I might go to the extent of saying that this is not a flower at all; I might say: this is a shoe. Now that sounds so absurd, so weird, right? ‘Somebody saying, this is a shoe.’ But then, I do not know what it is. So, I'll feel that the fellow is saying something very unacceptable, a crazy kind of thing. They think that this is a shoe. But I'll never be able to confidently, assuredly refute him. There will remain a doubt, a lingering doubt, “Who knows for sure? Maybe this is actually a shoe.” Because I have never bothered to closely enquire and know: what this really is?

So, somebody calls it ‘a shoe’. Some part of me, even if a small part, gets into doubt and starts thinking, “What if this really is a shoe?” And all of that happens because I do not have knowledge of what it actually is.

Now, here we are referring to an external object; we are referring to a flower. In life, this flower is who I am. And I do not know who I am. So someone comes and says, “You are a shoe!” Now, I don't feel like being a shoe, but then that person has just lobbed it very confidently towards me. Hello! There! "You Are A Shoe.” So, I start shivering within. I do not know who I am, right? Equally, someone can come and tell me, “You are a fool!” Now, do I clearly know who I am? If I clearly know who I am, then it won't matter to me what others talk about me, exclaim to me, address me as, or name me as. It won't just matter, right?

Here you are, and you are Chetna, right? And I say, “No, no, Rekha is an utter idiot!” Does it matter to you? Why does it not matter to you? And I'm pointing at you, I'm saying, “Rekha is an idiot!” Does it matter to you? Did you feel hurt? Did the question of forgiving even arise? When does the question of forgiving the offender arise? When you are, first of all, offended. But here I am saying, “Rekha, you are an idiot.” Why is she not offended? Why is she not offended, please? She knows she is Chetna.

If I know who I am and someone tells me I am somebody else, to me, that would be, at most, a joke, right? To me, that would be, at most, a joke. But suppose, she has some kind of amnesia right now, forgetfulness. She does not know who she is. And I am saying ‘Rekha’. What will she be forced to believe then? “Who knows? Maybe, really, I am Rekha! After all, he's saying, ‘I am Rekha.’ And Rekha is being talked off as an idiot.”

What if there are ten people around you who tell you that you are Rekha? If you know for sure you are Chetna, it won't matter to you. But if you do not know, this society will carry you away.

This one comes, I suppose, either from the Hitopadesha or the Panchatantra. So, there was this brāhmin, a pretty foolish one, who was carrying his calf through the jungle. A little calf, he was carrying it through the jungle. So, some thieves locked in upon him; they said, “We must have his calf.”

So first of all, one among them, the first one among them, came to this brāhmiṇ and said, 'So, Vipravar, you good priest, what are you doing walking this dog here?' And what does the brāhmin say? 'Well, what are you talking about? Drunk or what? This is a very fine calf!'

And the brāhmin walks ahead. And after a while, the second one comes and says, “Is this your new passion or what? You have given upon all other animals? It's dogs that you roam around with!” And the brāhmin gives him an angry stare and continues walking. But now, there are doubts within.

Then the third one comes, the third thief. And the brāhmin is already praying that this one does not come up and say that this is a dog. And the brāhmiṇ is now rather sternly looking at the animal, 'Are you really a calf?' And this one comes and says, 'Wow! A beautiful animal you are carrying, lovely! Where did you get this dog from? And it's a beautiful one! Really, it's an evolved species; imported or what?' And the brāhmin cannot even afford to get angry at this one now. He has serious self-doubt now because three of them have told him in succession that this one is a dog.

And now, the fourth one. The moment the brāhmin sees a fourth person walking towards him, he is already pretending that he is not carrying the calf. He's pretending, “You know, this animal is just on its own, walking by my side. No, no, no, I have nothing to do with it!” So, the fourth one comes and says, “Hey, sir! Why do you allow stray dogs to walk alongside? Why don't you just kick it away?” And now the brāhmin is saying, 'I'll see. I'll mind my own business, come on!' And the brāhmin goes a step or two ahead and actually lets the calf go. And the thieves get what they want.

The world is that Thief. It is not without reason that Vedānta talks of everything that you see, touch, hear, your experience as ‘Maya.’ You know what Maya is? It makes you believe in that which does not exist; it makes you forget that which is real, which really exists. It will tell you a thousand things about yourself, and you will come to believe in all those things that the world has told you about who you are. Please examine this; do not take me at face value. Whatever you know about yourself, is it not coming from the world? Have you ever tried to investigate into your own self-image, self-concept?

That's the reason why Advaita Vedānta keeps the question ‘Koham', ‘who am I', at the center.

If you do not know who you are, you will be forced to believe in whatever others tell you about yourself.

And that's where all these problems come from—someone comes and hurts me, offends me; someone comes and just inflates me by praising me. Someone is able to motivate me; someone is able to demotivate me. How do all these things happen? Because we do not know who we are. So, we rely totally, we depend totally on what others tell about ourselves. We have become accustomed to crutches. We do not even realize how big a slavery that is!

Who does not feel great when someone compliments him or her on his looks? And if someone comes and says, “Oh, no, you look obnoxious in this jacket!” And the jacket might be an expensive one. And you might have actually selected with care. But someone comes and says, “What kind of jacket is this?” And you feel like dropping it. Especially if four thieves call you to tell you that your jacket is indeed very shabby, they'll get your jacket!

It's not whether I am really ugly or not, whether I am really stupid or not; that's not the question. I might actually be stupid. But then, I should be the one who knows that I am stupid; I should not require someone else to come and tell me I am stupid. Do you get this? The shame does not lie in being stupid; we are entitled to our stupidity. I have been stupid throughout my life. That's okay; we are entitled to be stupid. Vedānta does not say that you cannot be stupid; you can be stupid. But you are not entitled to be self-ignorant. Do you get the difference?

You are entitled to be whatever you are in a prakratik (natural) way. You did not choose your looks, you did not choose your IQ, you did not choose your birth, you did not choose your parents. You did not even choose your country or religion, your surroundings, or your economic conditions; none of that you chose. So, all that is okay! You are entitled to be six-foot five inches, you are entitled to be five-foot two inches, all that is okay. Because that's what non-doership is. Right? I didn't do that! Somebody is born a male; somebody is born a female. Somebody is born diseased; you didn't choose that. So, all that is okay. What is not okay is not knowing yourself.

And when you do not know yourself, the world becomes your master. As young people, how many of you want to be ruled by the world? And how many of you want to live free lives? Now, this freedom is at the core of Vedānta. What is the goal of Vedānta? Happiness? Pleasure? Riches? Fame? Social acceptance? What is the goal of Vedānta? Freedom! And such pure and absolute freedom, you call it - Liberation. Not just ordinary freedom, Liberation! And you cannot be liberated without self-knowledge.

Now, do you see why our relationships are toxic? Now, do you see why others manage to hurt us, harm us, bloat us up, and also puncture us? Do you see why you are in such a bad mood? “Somebody sent me an offensive message.” Does that happen or not? Your entire day can be ruined if somebody sends you an offensive message.

Why have you chosen a bad course to study? Why have you enrolled in a discipline you don't really care about? How did you get into this kind of shady job? Why did you choose this sector to work in? How did you get hitched to this person? Do all these things happen or not? Somebody is pursuing a bad course. Somebody has gotten into a bad job. Somebody is now stuck in a bad relationship. Do these things happen or not?

Do you see most of these things happen because we listen too much to others? And listening too much to others becomes a compulsion. You cannot avoid it, just as asking for direction from others becomes a compulsion more than a necessity— a compulsion when you do not know the way. When you do not know the way, you will be forced to ask from others.

I did not know which course to choose, which college to go to, and which course to register in, so what did I do? What did I do? Some ‘Bablu bhaiya’ from the neighborhood came and became the expert. How did he manage to become the expert? We can't blame him. He was offering his ‘free services’. Why did I not know it for myself? Whose life is it? So, who should have known? I should have known. Why did I have to fall dependent on this fellow?

I remember my JEE counseling day. So, we were all there in IIT; Delhi itself. And very few of us had any idea what the different branches are all about, and what the different IITs are all about, and which one to go to! And the choices were swinging just so wildly! One did not know where to go to. I mean, Aerospace in IIT Kanpur, at that rank? Biotechnology at IIT Delhi? IIT BHU, you could have Electronics. IIT Guwahati, you could have computer science. Now, four entirely different places! IIT Kharagpur, you could have had Naval architecture.

Now, these are such disparate choices; how are you even considering all of them? You should know what you want from life, shouldn't you? But we don't know anything. So, what do we do? We go to the person standing next to us, “Sir, sir…so, what is your rank? What are you choosing?” Now, this fellow looks nice. This fellow, right? So, he is going for Civil at IIT Bombay. Another totally new option opens up from computer science to biotechnology, to electronics, to civil. Anything can happen! Because we don't have a center. So, we just keep rolling.

When you have a center, it is very, very difficult to influence you.

And insult, you must see Chetna, is a kind of influence. You have been influenced. If you tell me, ‘I am wearing black,’ why will I listen to you? I know what I'm wearing. Why don't you know how you are inside? White, or black, or orange, or whatever. So, ‘Self-knowledge’ is not some archaic word for the scholars alone. It is the fundamental requirement of every normal, ordinary person like you, like me; we all need self-knowledge. Otherwise, the streams of time and the forces of society will just carry you away and dump you somewhere. And life is short. Before you realize your time will be gone, and death knocks!

Also, mind you, the lady quoted ‘insult’ as a problem. Nobody ever quotes ‘praise’ or ‘commendation’ as a problem. We do not realize that if others are able to lift your mood by praising you, you have already licensed them to sink your mood by insulting you. Do you see this? But we are all crazy after compliments, are we not? Do you ever take this as a problem? “You know, sir, something happened in the morning. When I was coming to the college, this chap came to me and said, ‘Wow, great hairstyle! And surely you have taken baths today, you aren't stinking.’”

Now, that's never a problem. Somebody compliments you on your eyes, your hair, your clothes, your looks, whatever. Is that ever a problem? Now, that's where the problem is. That's where the problem is. If someone can enter your insides by praising you, the door has been flung open, right?

He knocked, here. (knocking on the head.)

And you said, 'Yes?'

And he said, “Wow, wonderful, beautiful!” And that's the password. ‘Praise’; praise is the password, and you opened the door. You opened the doors of your mind because that fellow said, “Knock, Knock, Praise.”

The moment the doors are open, they have been opened even for insult. And nobody can enter your life just by insulting you. Do you mind insult from strangers? No. Insult is especially caustic when it comes from those who know you, right? You're walking down the road, and some strange fellow, not known to you, says something and yells a word at you; you don't especially mind it. You mind it when that fellow is someone who has been allowed entry already; then he hurts because he has been given access to the insides. Now, he can hurt you from the inside. And access is given only when there is praise.

Don't be vulnerable to praise. If you know where you stand, why should you allow someone to sketch a bigger figure of you? “I know my size, so why are you portraying me as bigger than I actually am? That's not allowed; you should not do that. I know my worth; why are you praising me beyond my worth?”

And if you find somebody praising you beyond your worth, you should immediately become cautious. This fellow is not your friend.

“I know I am not doing something right; why are you supporting me at this moment? You should not be supporting me.” — This is called self-knowledge.

“I know what I'm doing is not right, so if you really are my well-wisher, you should not be supporting me. Instead, you should be stopping me. Instead of stopping me, you are supporting me.” But we love it when somebody supports us, right? No, no, that's called ‘Not knowing yourself’ . If you really are a friend, come on, stop me. That's what friendship is all about. Hmm?

So, if you want to be insult-proof, be ignorant-proof. If you are ignorance-proof, you will be insult-proof.

People will come and say a thousand things to you; that's what the world is for. The world is there to give you a billion kinds of experiences. So, the world is constantly coming to you, making you feel this way, that way. Your job is not to get easily swayed. Let the world say what it has to; am I not conscious?

There is an object, this (picks up the lid of a tumbler from the table) lid on the tumbler. Does it have any free will or volition? I wanted to pick it up, and I have picked it up. If I drop it from here, it will fall. Or can it say, “Why are you being so cruel? Why did you raise me? Now, why are you letting me go?” But this is how most of us are, right? If someone wants to raise you, he can. If someone wants to break you, he can.

So, Vedānta says that ‘Jad’ (inanimate) and ‘Chetan’ (conscious) are different, and the job of Chaitanya (conscious being) or Chetanā (consciousness) is not to let ‘jadta’ (unconsciousness) become dominant on itself.

If I am a slave to circumstances, then I am just like this dead object.

Am I dead? No. But please see that every time you allow circumstances to rule you, you are actually acting like a dead object. Does that sound very nice? No, that does not. I should be so strong from within that circumstances should not be able to affect me beyond a point. Outside, everything is changeable; inside, there should be an unchanging core. This is skin; obviously, the Sun, heat, cold, water, and wind will affect it. But all those things should be able to affect only my external shells; my core, my interiority, should remain untouched by whatever is happening in the world.

And ‘that’ thing, that must always remain untouched. What do you call it? What do you call it? Hmm? That's called Ātman: the Self, the Truth. The Truth. If you are alive, then this is the definition of being alive. Please note with care.

You are alive only if you have something within that circumstances cannot even touch. Then you say: I am truly alive. Others just appear to be alive; they are not really alive.

Have you seen leaves falling from trees? Do they own their destiny? No, they are ruled by the winds. Most of us, unfortunately, are like fallen leaves. We have no interior locus of control. There is no Ātman. All we have is strings that others are pulling all the time, puppets.

We are young, intelligent, vigorous people; we will not live like puppets. Or would we? That's what! That's what. Yes?

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