Why Do Close Ones Resist Spirituality?

Questioner: So, my wife has a perception about the Gurus, and she thinks that all the Gurus are basically into money-making stuff, influencing people, people’s minds and she has a point of view of her own about all these things. So, I somehow, sometimes made her watch a few of your videos and she was not very convinced about the things and whenever we have a discussion when I’m giving my point of view, she always tells me that this point of view is coming from one of your Babas you listen to, and this is not your point of view. And this is all impractical stuff they feed into your mind.

So much so that it is becoming almost impossible for me to converse on any topic with her. And, the situation, means for last fifteen days, has been like this that I’m not totally conversing with her and I’m at very peace with it. I’m able to devote more time to studying Upanishads and listening to lectures and other things.

And, somehow, I feel, whenever I observe other people’s behavior, now, it is especially, I’m getting kind of irritated by people why people devote more time to watching movies, listening to filmy songs and all those things, but yeah, probably I don’t talk to them regarding this.

This is an irritation inside me only and whenever I’m with Upanishads, with your videos or some else literature, I’m at very peace. But still, now since for going on this path, the peace, whenever I’m talking, the peace is getting disturbed. So, what is the optimal way to go forward in such kinds of relationships?

Acharya Prashant: See, you have to figure out where her desires really converge with yours. And that convergence will not be at the superficial level. At the superficial level, you may want one thing, and she will want something else. It will require all the courage and the tact that a husband can summon to display to the wife, that you are only wanting much the same thing that she too actually wants, that your ways are not diverging.

The resistance that near ones often display towards the spiritual movement of a family member is because of the fear that they might lose him. If this fellow becomes spiritual, he will turn an ascetic. He will lose all his interest in the family members and family affairs. He will not take care of us anymore. All these concerns are there, so there is a resistance toward Spirituality.

You’ve to address this divergence because this divergence is not real. Goodness can never be exclusive. Something that is really good that can never be good for one and very bad for the other. You have to very subtly and very tactfully demonstrate to people that what you’re doing and what you’re reading and what you’re understanding, is of the general good. It is not something particular or personal to you. It is something that all of us want, all of us need, and all of us will benefit from even if just one of us understands something.

The real threat perception is that of someone breaking away. You have to clarify that rather than breaking away, spirituality builds bridges, and highlights convergences. Isn’t it true, that one of the fundamental messages is that all divisions are false, that all distinctions are un-real?

So that’s what Vedānta is teaching you—give up divisions; they don’t mean much, they only feed your ego. So, how can someone be afraid that the Vedānta student will break away or run away or divide the family?

So, you’ve to start from where the objection raisers stand. They have enough problems of their own, they have deep desires of their own. Address their problems and their desires. You can defend Vedānta only indirectly because the teachings and the principles are so subtle that they can be just slaughtered if it comes to an uninformed debate.

You mention Śivōhaṃ to an uninitiated person and he will laugh at you, you say Prajñānam Brahman to someone who doesn’t know and he'll tear you apart. A while back, we were seeing the consequences of not rightly interpreting what Jagat Mithya means. So, don’t get into Vedānta as such, it will require a lot of effort and also the company of a capable teacher to really bring the points home. Instead, I would suggest, get into the lives of those who are close to you and see where they need help and all of us need help.

Questioner: Acharya Ji, it’s not actually about Vedānta , our general discussion is not about Vedānta ; it’s more of like sleeping together or initiating sex or watching a movie together or discussing about relatives and their shortcomings together. Means, I really don’t want to engage in any of these activities because I feel now, that understanding has come, sort of that, this is only downgrading my consciousness further.

And this is the only answer I give to her, not in terms of consciousness, I tell her that this takes my energy, this takes our energy in an unnecessary direction, let’s not do it.

But it creates a lot of insecurities, she is like cursing someone and I’m not helping her in cursing that person, so she takes it for, that I’m taking that person’s side. Although, I’ve demonstrated in my actions that this is not what it is but still those insecurities seek in because of various of these reasons. So, I cook twice a day, I take care of the kids, and I demonstrate all the activities that a husband has to demonstrate.

But still, there are unnecessary insecurities. So, my patience also gives in some time and I can’t deal with the unnecessary insecurities. So, actually, to start with, it’s not about Vedānta , I have never even started talking to her in terms of Vedānta or anything else. It’s just a daily day-to-day life discussion. I don’t want to engage in unnecessary activities and then that gives her insecurity.

Acharya Prashant: Can you tell her that even she doesn’t want to engage in those things and she engages in those things because she doesn’t see any better option. Your friends, your parents, your wife; they are all human beings just as you and me are. We all want the same things, don’t we? That’s the convergence, that’s the oneness I’m talking of.

The things that she might be currently drawing pleasure from, she has to go to those things just because she doesn’t see an alternative. And I’m not trying to just generously support your wife or women in general. This is indeed the case. I’m not being generous; I’m just being real. We all want that one thing that you now have a whiff of. She wants much the same thing, much the same thing.

In fact, this should be a matter of great and deep, what should I say for want of a better word, amusement for you to look into her eyes and see how consciousness that really wants liberation, acts in self-defeating ways. It’s like looking at the eyes of someone who really wants water. But is instead asking for ten other miscellaneous things. And in the long list of things that she wants to talk about, there is no water at all. And if someone talks of water, she resents. Isn’t it a great miracle? This is MAYA. This is MAYA.

Do not accuse her of wanting this and that, all this and that stuff that she wants is causing much more trouble to her than it is causing to you. And I repeat, do not forget that all of us are fundamentally the same and we all want the same one thing. So, I said, can you with insight and tact, point out to her how her real desires are different from and deeper than her apparent activities.

You talked of gossiping against relatives, we all very well know that this stuff helps nobody, but we also know how prevalent it is and how it happens in every household and in every relationship. It’s not helping but it’s happening all the time everywhere. What does that tell you? That there is something that needs addressable, but it’s not getting addressed so something else is happening all the time? So, do not hold against her.

Though I know, I know it’s a great temptation and it appears quite justified to blame a person who is acting in self-harming ways. But still, in the moments when you’re still and when you can see through the human constitution and the way Maya works on us, you’ll realize that what we call evil or shades of evil is nothing but ignorance.

We behave in wasteful ways, often terrible ways; not because we are bad people but because we are ignorant people. That ignorance has to be addressed. Gentle probing, gentle questioning. Don’t try to defend the Gurus. The Gurus have done very little to deserve any defence and do not try to defend Vedānta , it’ll be very difficult to raise a defence in front of an uninitiated person.

Instead, get into her life, that’s what matters to her. Try making available small illuminating experiences without acting big, without wearing the hat of the teacher. It’ll be very difficult for any woman to accept her husband as the teacher.

So, please remain for her what she has accepted you as. Remember that the relationship was not founded on discipleship, or was it? She didn’t accept a Guru into her life. She didn’t offer her hand to a priest, or did she?

So, please do remain to her what she came to you as. But if you realize things if your own consciousness is brighter now and higher now then your very engagement will act as an uplifter. And sitting here, on this comfortable chair, as I utter these words, I fully realize, believe me, how arduous it all is. But then, you know, the Karmafal .

Questioner: Acharya Ji, but sometimes what happens, I was reading that in one of your discourses that ‘Buddhas are very selfish.’ So, taking that cue I’m responsible for my liberation first and later for the liberation of the other people. So, first I should get rid of this garbage which is filled in me then I have the right to tell the other person yes, or then I might need some light to show to other people. So, thinking that is not there, so when this thought arrives, then the mind says, okay then it’s better not to have any communication at all.

Acharya Prashant: So, could you do that Gautam, I would have said- please go ahead and do this. Had you had it in you to act a Siddhartha Gautam and leave everything and everybody behind one night and walk away to the jungle, I would’ve said, come on do it right now, this night. The thing is you’ll not be able to do that. It’s a mere fantasy, why are you indulging yourself. So, I’m telling you of something that you can afford.

Irrespective of how deeply you complaint against your wife here on this long-distance thing, you’ll go back to her. And also, believe me, it might be a bit hurtful; a few rolling tears down the wife’s cheeks are going to mean much more to you than all of Gurus’ sermons.

This is our condition said, see, I’ve said it is a mutual condition, it’s a general, Universal thing, that’s how we are. It’s a body, the wife is a body, remember, this body is the wife. (pointing to the palm) You can’t do away with her so coolly and so easily. So, why even imagine?

Questioner: Acharya Ji, whatever you’re saying is exactly right means previously it has happened, few tears rolled down, I went back to her but this time, there is a certain kind of Zid (stubbornness). Whatever has to happen, will happen.

Acharya Prashant: All your Zid (stubbornness) will melt, this does not hold.

Questioner: So, if it doesn’t melt then I can probably be a Siddhartha Gautam.

Acharya Prashant: Be a Siddhartha Gautam, fine. See whether you can do that. If you can do that, then you don’t need to discuss it with me, Gautam. Also, when you said, ‘my liberation comes first’- my liberation is liberation from me. What do you mean by ‘my liberation?’ Liberation of this particular individual body? What is my liberation? If I’m thinking of my personal liberation, am I still liberated? If I’m thinking of my personal liberation, then how am I liberated? Not liberated, right?

So, liberation is not about caring just for oneself. Had it been possible, first of all, I would have done it for myself. Why am I talking to you and to a million others? For the same reason that I mentioned in that particular video, you’re quoting – Self-interest (Swarth). My liberation is concurrent with yours, then how can your liberation be isolated from your wife? I cannot get liberated with you remaining where you are and how you are. How do you think that you will walk away and be totally liberated?

How do I convince you that I fully understand how it feels to be with someone, I understand. You are saying something, she is not getting it, and what she is saying, you fully well know is of no use. And she’ll continue to say what she wants to say, and if you say too much then tears roll on the cheeks, I know that. And, I very well know that there is a great urge at that moment to play as Siddhartha Gautam. Do that, if you can. (smiles)

Questioner: Acharya Ji, one last thing I’ll ask, how do I tackle the question of sex here. Because she seemingly wants it for the bond, the relationship to remain.

Acharya Prashant: How important is it if this is something that’s going to devastate her if she doesn’t get it. Karlo yaar(just do that)! Anyway, I don’t think you’re twenty-five anymore. You would have got forty-two. You would have what- two/four/five years of sexual activity left in you. So, how important is abstinence at this point?

Prakṛti is going to ensure complete abstinence for the rest of your life. So, the point I’m coming from is, you don’t do it, and the other party will take it as if you are making a statement. You don’t do it and the other person will think, it’s a degradation you are heaping upon her. Even if it’s for purely personal reasons that you don’t feel interested, it’ll be taken as a symbol of rejection. I’ve been rejected therefore the other is not touching my body.

Sex doesn’t always have to be personal, one can try missionary. I mean the spirit, no? For you, it might not mean much, but what if the other person uses this fact to completely detach herself from all wisdom, and all spiritual literature and starts thinking, Vedānta is my enemy because of Vedānta , my husband is no more affectionate towards me. And, what’s the criteria for affection for her- sex. He doesn’t have sex with me that he doesn’t love me, and what caused this- Vedānta .So, Vedānta is cursed, I’ll never read Upanishads in my life. Now, for the sake of the Upanishads, once in a while, once in six months… I don’t know, it’s a thing between two people.

I know, what I’m saying will not conquer with my image of the hard-line spiritual teacher that many people have. But here, it’s not a question of being a hardliner, it’s a question of saving a life. And one life is as important as the other. Just as it’s important that you, in contact with me, gain a certain elevation. It’s equally important that the others that I may not even know of, I don’t know the names, I don’t know the faces; they too must gain a certain spiritual elevation.

And for their elevation I must bend a little, I’m okay with that. And in fact, in bending a little, I’m demonstrating that I’m not bending at all. Because I’m bending for the right reasons, for the reasons of Truth, for the reason of consciousness.

There are no ideal answers, there can only be truthful responses. Ideal answers don’t work. You can not just pick an answer and place it in every situation. This will not be easily acceptable but just think over it, and obviously, as always, I never want any kind of unconditional acceptance or something. I’ve just placed something in front of you. Just consider it.

Questioner: For that, the love has grown too strong, I love you so much that it has to be unconditional. I’m sorry about that.

Acharya Prashant: No, you don’t have to be sorry, I know you love, I know you’re capable of great love. And, I also know that love gets deeper when it gets unconditional. And, as it gets deeper, it loses the power to be conditional. Even if you want to be unloving, you’ll find you cannot be. So, I’m not just toying with words, I really appreciate the situation you’re in, and I respect your words and that’s the reason, I’m saying something to you that will be of probably real benefit.

Questioner: Thank you so much, Acharya Ji! Thank you!

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