How to Cope with a Loved One's Death?
Questioner: How to deal with close persons who are passing away out of our lives, like I understand that death is a natural thing, we are here and then we are moving to other places, but still when you're facing those things for like first few times, or I don't know if it's getting easier later, but how to let all those people go and I know those kinds of situations, like my grandma died a few months ago and I still have this thing…
Acharya Prashant: There would be several others who would be alive, the highest tribute you can pay to your grandmother is have fulfilling and healthy relationships with the ones who are still here. We will not be there, nobody would be left. Why wait to weep after someone is gone? Why not live in a way that does not leave you with a lot of disappointments after death? You see death, we all know it's the reality of this universe, we cannot have life without death. Yes, death appears painful, but maybe if you go into the fact of death, it is the unlived life that is more painful than death, and probably the unlived life is also why there is so much left to anguish over after someone is gone, all the unlived possibilities and all the lived nonsense.
You could probably spend twenty years with someone and fifteen of those years really collectively, could have gone towards just trivia or mutual torture, as often happens in relationships. Now after the other is no more there, all that is left is sadness and disappointment, a form of guilt. Isn't it quite strange as long as there is the opportunity, as long as we are alive, we do not really respect and value these precious moments, we feel as if we would stay on forever? We do not realize that the clock is ticking, that every moment gone is one moment left less in life, and when the clock stops ticking then there is so much remorse.
There is, this is story in the epic Mahabharat. So, this wise entity Yaksh, comes to King Yudhishtir and then there is a conversation, a question-answer session. So, the Yaksh asks, “What is the most surprising thing about life?” And Yudhishtir says, “The most surprising thing is that we all know that death is coming and yet we pretend as if we are immortal.”
Remembering death continuously is the key to living a fulfilled life and I need to say that, emphatically to this audience, because the Western world in particular, is in great fear of death. Death is almost a taboo, you don't want to discuss death publicly, you don't want to have a healthy relationship with death, all watchfulness in a sense is just about remembering death. When I said you must know that the clock is ticking and the gone moment won't return, don't you want to ask what time is? Isn't time itself death? If you know the fleeting movement, then actually you are knowing just death, and I am not talking of being particular about time. Several of us, I am sure, would be very particular about timekeeping, it's not that I am referring to.
Let not death come as a surprise, live in the remembrance of death every moment and it is in this sense that India has differed a lot. The saints have sung songs of death, very beautiful songs of death, not because this place or culture is nihilistic or otherworldly, no but because remembrance of death, as we said, is the key to a fulfilled life. The one who knows that the clock is ticking will not allow the moment to return empty, to respect life is to respect time.
Getting it?
To the loved ones who are no more, pay the holiest tribute possible, there are several others who are still there, your grandmother still lives on in them. See that you have right relationships and when I say right relationships, kindly do not get me wrong I do not mean immature, childish, blind relationships of some kind of hormonal or emotional affiliation. No, not that. Right relationships! If a relationship has been right, then the end is unlikely to hurt you much. In fact, the end might even be glorious, then you could say that the end is actually a pinnacle, the relationship was an upward movement all the time and death is now the peak of the relationship. That is possible, but usually, that does not happen, the passing away of a loved one leaves us shattered, disappointed.
The near one will pass away, death won't really happen at some point in future, death is happening all the time, so live. These few years are an opportunity, are they not? And we only have a few years at the most, live this opportunity to the fullest. Now, what is meant by living this opportunity? By living the opportunity, I do not refer to pleasure maximization or happy consumption. When I am saying, live your life to the fullest, kindly don't take me to mean that I am advocating the cult of pleasure and happiness. Living your life fully means dedicating your life fully to the purpose of fullness, that is the only purpose of life.
Before you pass away see whether you can reach that climax, that top and know that you are not yet there, therefore, the destination is clear and the path is clear, you have to keep moving and the clock is ticking away, ticking away. Don't let time go waste, there is a lot of work to be done. Life is work, work again not in the conventional sense.
Getting it?
It's a three-hour written examination, you see. When the clock strikes three, the invigilator will come and snatch the answer sheet away, right? The answer sheet will definitely be snatched away, pour everything that you have on that answer sheet, before the three hours end. The invigilator knows no mercy, he is ruthless. He will come, it’s just that often he does not even wait for the three hours to complete, he can come within the next ten minutes as well. Pour all that you have on the canvas of life, let life be an expression of your fullness and time is limited.
And another thing, those who pass away do not go to any other world, you said that. No, let's not live in that illusion. There is no other world, nobody passes away to some other place, people just pass away. The end is final and complete. There is nothing that is left, there is nothing that remains because if you keep that hope then that hope entitles you to a loose life. You say, “After all you know, there is this possibility of reincarnation and rebirth and all those things, so even if I have lived this life badly I'll get another chance, won't I?” No, you won't get another chance. This is your one and only chance, better encash it.
