Freedom begins with a 'No' || Acharya Prashant, with youth (2013)
Speaker: Karan has asked that he is unable to say ‘No’ and that often lands him in trouble, gives him a lot of problems. Are there others who face this problem?
Listeners: Yes.
Speaker: Alright, so this question then comes from all of us. Let’s understand this question. I am unable to say ‘No’. Now why I am unable to say no? Obviously, there is some fear that holds me back. If I say ‘No’, then obviously such and such will feel offended, if I say ‘No’ something may happen, if I say ‘No’ I may lose a relationship, if I say ‘No’ the other person may harm me.
Some kind of fear is essential. So put your mind on this clearly. Firstly, that the inability to say ‘No’ is fundamentally a fear in the mind. The mind thinks it has something to lose if it says ‘No’. Go into this. See whether this is a fact for you. Are you getting this? Otherwise, why would you not say ‘No’? And there are so many things that we must say ‘No’ to.
And you are very right that so many of our problems come because of our inability to say ‘No’. We get carried away. The crowd takes us along. We are unable to say ‘No’. External forces, external situations keep imposing their authority on us and we are unable to say ‘No’, we are unable to offer any resistance. A wave comes and sweeps us off our feet. Right? It’s painful and we don’t like it and at the same time we find ourselves unable to say ‘No’.
You are unable to say ‘No’ because you have stakes with that person or that situation or that authority or that institution. You are unable to say ‘No’ because you have traded away your yes and that is the only cause of fear that is ever possible. Otherwise it is impossible to scare anyone away. Nobody can scare you if you do not have greed, a stake attached to that person or authority.
Let’s go back to that very simple example that we took a while back. You believe that you are brilliant or handsome or lovable because others have been telling you so and that is the reason that you highly dislike when one of your Facebook posts get a negative comment or an awkward posting because your sense of what you are comes from the others. So, the moment someone says a little bad about you, your very sense of self is hurt. Now, let’s say someone says something nice about you. Someone says, “you are wonderful” and you take it. You start believing ‘I am wonderful’. Let the person demand something. Will you be able to say ‘No’ to that person now? That person just said that you are wonderful and you have no resistance to it. You took it in, you say I must be wonderful because he says that I am wonderful. And that’s how we feel about ourselves, that’s how we develop a sense of ourselves, through the words, opinions and actions of others. We have no idea of who we are? Our sense of self is totally borrowed, dependent on others, dependent on what they are saying.
So, this person has said that you are wonderful and because he says, ‘I am wonderful’, I started believing that I am wonderful. Next, this person makes a demand on me. Will I be able to say ‘No’. I won’t be able to say ‘No’ because he has made me totally dependent on himself or rather let me say I have made myself dependent on him. Are you getting it?
You do not say ‘No’ because you have greed attached to the authority, to the person, to the situation. You have an expectation. You fear that if you say ‘No’, that person will take away something from you. What will he take away? Only that which he has given you. Why do you take so much from others? Don’t you have your own eyes? Why must you take your sense of being from others?
The institution gives you the certificate so you can’t say ‘No’ to’ the institution. The society gives you recognition so you can’t say ‘No’ to the society. Don’t you see that your inability to say ‘No’ comes from the sense of taking something? It is because you take so much from somebody that you are unable to say ‘No’ to him. In taking something from that somebody you made him your master, how can you say no to him. Why do you take so much? There is no need. Why have you created these dependencies?
You take a lot of things, sustenance, financial or otherwise from your family. Obviously you can’t say ‘No’ to your family now. Why have you created these dependencies? It is understandable that a six year old is dependable but it is not at all understandable if an eighteen year old or twenty year old is dependable. First of all, you become dependent on somebody and then you say why I am unable to say ‘No’. For precisely this reason. All you have is coming from somebody else and he can take it back, so you are afraid.
Have something of your own, then you will be perfectly able to say ‘No’. Find that out which is your own. Do not be dependent on these borrowed things and identities. And then saying ‘No’ will be entirely possible. Then no one will be able to make a slave of you. Why to live a borrowed life? Don’t cite your helplessness, don’t say, ‘what we can do’, ‘we are just kids’, ‘we are entirely helpless’. You are not. You are young.
Your helplessness is a fiction; your helplessness comes from nothing but your mind. Your helplessness is just a thought not a fact. Why have you made yourself so helpless? There is no need.
Excerpted from a ‘Shabd-Yog’ session. Edited for clarity.
