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Don't let love turn into a relationship || Acharya Prashant, archives (2013)
Author Acharya Prashant
Acharya Prashant
11 min
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Acharya Prashant (AP): Ayushi is saying that love has turned into a relationship and that is having repercussions in my life.

First of all, it is wonderful that you have already understood a very fundamental truth which is, Ayushi, that whenever anything turns into a relationship, it goes bad. Whenever anything turns into a relationship, it goes bad. I understand, what I’m saying is a little puzzling but stay with me and remain attentive.

Love is a particular quality of relating. It is right now. It is not a concept of the mind. It’s something absolutely new. It doesn’t happen because you had thought about it. There is no background to love. That’s why when it happens, it just throws you off your feet.

Those of us who have had a taste of love would understand what I’m saying. Because it is something that is not planned because it’s something that is not premeditated because real love is not thought or conceptual, that’s why when it comes, it comes like a fresh breath of air. In fact, I’m understating, it comes like a tornado that blows you away. You’re off your feet.

Now, that is love; something new, something fresh. It just happens. It’s almost a surprise. You have not planned that I must fall in love with that follow, that’s why it rejuvenates. You discover that you’re young, and it’s so beautiful, right?

Now, what happens to this? Very soon, this love, which had a fresh quality of relating, we give a particular name to it and we turn it into a relationship. We give a particular name to it and we turn it into a relationship, and the relationship is always dependent upon the past. Understand Ayushi, the difference between love and relationship.

Love is fresh, relationship depends upon the past and is very-very limited. The moment you declare that “I have this particular relationship with somebody”, you already have a concept in mind. Love is not a concept, but husband and wife are concepts. Understand this, the moment you say somebody is my wife or somebody is my husband, you already know what that relationship means. Now, it’s dead. Absolutely dead.

Somebody has said that “lovers die, and on their corpses, husbands and wives are born.” It’s only when lovers are dead that husbands and wives arise because love cannot have a name. love is not a fixed relationship.

But our mind, our poor little mind, it cannot tolerate the freshness of love. It has no power to live with absolute uncertainty and the wildness of love. So, what does it do? It says, let’s give a name to our relationship, let’s formalize our agreement, let’s take the sanction of the society.

So, the first name they give to each other is, “We are lovers. We two are lovers.” Then they’ll say, “let’s formalize it even more.” And then, they’ll say, “now we’re…”. And, the more you’re formalizing it, the more names you’re giving to it; the more trouble you are creating for yourself.

You are thinking that all this is happening ‘out of love’, I’m saying all this is taking you ‘out’ of love. Do you understand this? You think that the relationship is born out of love, from love, and I’m saying because of the relationship, now you’re going out of love, away from love. Have you heard that song?

Sirf ahsaas hai ye rooh se mehsoos karo, (it’s just a feeling, feel it with your soul) Pyaar ko pyaar hi rahne do koi naam na do (let love be love, don’t give it a name)

Do you understand what the poet is trying to say?

Pyaar ko pyaar hi rahne do koi naam na do (let love be love, don’t give it a name) Sirf ahsaas hai ye rooh se mehsoos karo, (it’s just a feeling, feel it with your soul) Hath se chhoo ke ise rishton ka ilzaam na do (don’t accuse it of relationship by touching it with your hand)

Rishte (Relationships). But we are so keen to turn love into a relationship. And, the moment it becomes a relationship, love is gone. Now, there will be expectations. Now, there will be a definite code of conduct. “You are my boyfriend how can you look at somebody else?”

“You’re my wife you must take care of me. Go and clean my underwear.” And that’s what wives do. Now, why must one independent adult clean the underwear of another independent adult? But because you are a wife so you’ll do this. And when you are cleaning underwear, do you really feel like loving that man? Love is gone. Now, love is gone. Now, duty has come in, and love is not a duty.

Love is not a duty. Love is absolute freedom. In your freedom you love, right? You’re not compelled to love. You’re not compelled to love. But now, there is underwear, and you’re a good wife now. What can you do? And soon, there’ll be kids because a wife must produce kids. A lover is not constrained to produce kids, but a wife must produce kids.

If you’re somebody’s girlfriend, you can walk away anytime but the wife has certain respectability. She cannot walk away anytime. What can you do? Now, the individuals are lost and images are living. The individual is gone, and it’s a wife who is talking.

Have you ever wondered, in all these movies that you see, why do all love stories end at marriage? There’ll be entire love story and what happens in the end? Marriage. And after that, The End. You should ask, what is happening after this? That’s the real thing, show that. but the movie is ended. They’ll not show you that now she’s cleaning the underwear. That’s the real thing that you should’ve asked. But they are very clever. If they start showing you that, then society’s objective will be defeated.

Society does not want you to love. Society does not want you to love. Society does not want lovers, it wants husbands and wives. The society hates lovers, but it loves husbands and wives. It’ll say, “Go, quickly get married. It doesn’t matter you love each other, doesn’t matter. Go and get married.” Marriage is good, love is bad.

And, marriage is a name so is any other relationship. I’m not advocating a living kind of thing, even that is a name, even in that, there are expectations. Even in that, there are expectations. And, I’m not talking of just the love between a man and a woman.

In every relationship, there are no individuals. Father and son, do the father and son really talk to each other? No. it’s a father talking to a son, not an individual talking to an individual. That is why, sons are restless with fathers, and fathers are never happy with their sons. Because a father can never be happy with a son. An individual can be happy with another individual, not a father with a son.

But we’re so eager, “He is my son.” He’ll not say, he’s an individual. Have we ever seen our father as an individual? Very difficult. And, that’s why there’s so much of suffering in our relationships. That’s why our relationships are so dead, and we constantly feel like moving away. There are certain suffocations there.

So, it’s good that you are realizing that relationship causes trouble. Great that you’ve realized this. Now, you are free from life. All your life if you’re learning your lesson then you’ll avoid relationships. Yes, you’ll relate like a free bird. Relating is another thing, relationship is a totally different thing.

It’s a wonderful thing that it’s happening to you at such an early age. There are people who are forty years old, fifty years old, eighty years old, they still don’t realize. And, they die wondering, “what did I do wrong?” they feel, probably life is suffering. Then they say, “Life is hell. What can I do? You know what, man is born because he is a sinner.” Then, they come up with all these fancies stories.

Life is not hell. You’ve made it into hell. Life is worth living only in love and you killed love. You killed love because you’re so insecure. You quickly wanted to get into a relationship. Haven’t you seen, three months of dating, and the girl will start asking, “So when will we get married?” And, she thinks it’s cute. It’s monstrous!

Do you understand monstrous? Look at her face and see the devil, and run away. Runaway for your own dear life. The day she says, “When will you get married?” Runaway. She knows no love. Had she known love, she would have never been insecure. Do you know what is she thinking? She is thinking that before you go away, let’s get married. That way there’ll be a bond.

A really loving person will say, “marriage or no marriage, how does it matter? I’m not even thinking of marriage. This is sufficient. This fullness of love is sufficient. Who is thinking about marriage? Marriage is such a trivial thing. Who wants to talk about it?” but you want to talk about it the first thing.

I’ve seen people who even before loving, before loving, for them loving is an action; before loving they’ll check, which religion, which caste, which Gotra (paternal lineage). “Now, it’s alright. Now, I can love. And what is her age? She should be at least six months younger. Because my parents do not like the girl to be older than the boy. Now, everything is verified. All checks are done. Alright. Now, I will love.” Can this fellow ever love? Are you loving or getting a credit card with so many checks?

“My name is Alok Sharma. She looks quite pretty. I go close to her, and find out her name is Razia Sultana.” And, Alok Sharma runs heels over heads. My goodness! And just two minutes back, he was singing all the romantic songs. And he was feeling completely in love. “I have discovered the nectar of my life. She is the princess of my dreams. I was always dreaming about her.” The moment he comes to know her name, “Ah, my goodness! There are so many traps in this world. The world is so deceptive. They should have a nameplate somewhere here. So, the moment we look there, we first see the nameplate and we are warned.”

Does love look at names? Does love want names? We are occupied with names, labels, and brands. You know, once I was in Bangalore looking at all these matrimonial ads. And, how did they read? B.Tech in Com. Science, knows C++ also good in Java, and this is a matrimonial ad. Now, will you talk C++ with her? He’s telling her all the operating platforms. But that establishes your brand.

“Java. Good. IIT-IIM, this is a love-worthy fellow. This is a love-worthy fellow.”

Let it be like a wildflower. When it grows, it just grows. It can even grow up on a rooftop, or by the side of a small stream. Let it just grow, don’t call it anything. Don’t try to freeze it, don’t try to limit it. It’ll be dead. If you try to capture a flower, what happens to that flower? if you want to capture a butterfly, what happens to that butterfly? It’s gone. It’s dead. All you’ll be left with is a skeleton. Do you want to live with skeletons? Then why do you want to capture love? Why can’t you just love and let it be? Don’t raise expectations. Let it flow. Alright?

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