Which is More Important: The Person or Love?
Questioner: I am a person, who is very sensitive and emotional and that’s why I easily get hurt. It’s been two months since I had a break-up with a guy and I am just not able to move on. It’s affecting me a lot. I didn’t want this to happen even though, I never expected this from him. It has broken me completely from the inside.
I have lost myself, I have lost my mental peace and I feel so lonely and incomplete without him. And it is even more painful when I see that guy looking at some other girl. I still want him in my life. Although, now I know that it is not possible because he has completely moved on. What should I now do? Because it’s harming me and my career and my future.
Acharya Prashant: You are saying it has broken you completely from the inside.
No, you are lying.
Had you been completely broken from inside, then there would have been nobody left inside to experience the hurt.
What you call as the 'inside', is just the Ego inside. And the Ego is a very magical thing, it becomes stronger when it gets hurt. It is not as if it loses its power when it gets hurt.
The more you hurt it, the more strength it gathers. So, first of all, please understand that you have a lot inside. A lot that has become only more cemented, more solidified after this episode. Had you been really empty from inside, who would have received the hurt? The arrow hits you, only when you block the arrow, right? Otherwise, it goes past you.
What is it within you that is blocking the happening?
You are hurt because you do not like what is happening. Your resistance is hurting you. An arrow comes to you, you obstruct it with your hand. It is the obstruction that you offer that will pierce your hand. Right?
You do not offer any obstruction to the arrow, the arrow just passes through by. Why are you obstructing the happening?
The fellow has moved on, and the population of the world is eight-hundred-crore, he is with another girl, now why are you begging after him? What will you get from him? Crumbs of love?
You want love as a donation, charity?
And even if that is given to you, would that satisfy you?
And if he was so dear to you, why was not there much compatibility? Why did the break-up happen?
And if you are you, and he is what he is, then won’t the break-up happen again?
You insist on remaining who you are, that is why you are hurt. You insist on remaining who you are, that is why you want that guy back. But if you insist to remain who you are, you won’t be able to retain the guy.
Are you prepared to really change? Are you prepared to not be the one who experiences that attraction?
No, that we do not want to do because probably, you have some sweet and happy memories.
So, at least you do not want to be the one who is experiencing all the suffering, all the hard work. Right? And that is why you have asked this question. You don’t want to be continuously anymore in misery. And if you don’t want to be anymore in misery, stop being who you are. You have seen the consequence of who you are and still, you don’t want to wake up.
Do you know who you are?
You are the one, who will accept this guy back if he comes back to your life.
Do you know, who you are?
You will again have a quarrel with this guy.
Do you know who you are?
You are the one, who will again have a break-up and again who will shed tears when the guy goes away. Do you want to remain caught in this cycle?
Please, do not remain caught in this cycle. Guys come and go, there is nobody more important than your own peace.
You do not want a person, so that he may cause you disturbance. When you want a person, you actually want peace and contentment through that person, don’t you? Or do you invite a person to your life so that he may harass you? Why do you open your doors to somebody? Because that person promises to be the vehicle of contentment, peace. Right?
You very well know, what you open your doors to. Are you opening your doors to contentment?
Contentment is more valuable than any relationship. Relationships are a medium, contentment is the end. Relationships are mere mediums. They are like roads, they must lead to contentment. They must contain contentment. If there is no contentment in the relationship, why do you want that relationship?
The quality of your love depends on the quality of your life. Your love affair cannot be a sublime thing if your life is mired in littleness. We all want our love affairs to be fairy tales and we don’t look at our lives. We are a little bit afraid, desirous, ambitious, suspicious. That’s how we live. Now, how can you have a fairy-tale love affair?
Who is this lover that you will attract yourself to?
What is the quality of your being?
Who will be attracted to this being?
Please, you look at these pictures (referring to the portraits of Saints hanged on the wall), who would be the women these men would attract to them? What would be the quality of the relationship? If they were marrying, would they be compatible with any woman on the road?
Think of an Ashtavakra, Nanak, Kabir, a Buddha, a Mahaveer. Some of them were married. Imagine that others are also married. Now think of their spouses. Think of their wives. What kind of a man would a Lalleshwari take as a husband? She indeed did had a husband, could she go along with him? At the age of twenty-two, she split.
If you live as a petty one, you will only invite a petty being into your life. And then there would be more sufferings, more sufferings. What is the point in remaining caught in this cycle?
Elevate yourself.
Transform yourself.
And then see who comes to you, then you will know what love really is.
