How to Deal With Anxiety?
Questioner: Namaste sir. My question is again kind of related in the context of suffering. You just said that tension shouldn't percolate beyond a point. And here I am, in the United States — I live in Virginia — and here I see many kids, teenagers, 12-year, 13-year, 15-year-olds. They have anxiety issues, and I see them popping anti-anxiety pills like anything. Even the doctors they have consulted prescribe these pills openly.
Now, I understand that mental health is a spectrum, and there are different kinds of help that a person might need — therapy or medication. But here I see that problem as growing by leaps and bounds. Like, even because of work stress, I consult a therapist — the first thing that they would say is, “Yeah, pop a pill. Take this pill, take that pill. It’ll help you sleep well.”
So now these kids do that because their suffering feels very real to them. So how would you even begin to explain to such kids that, you know, it's not real, and they have a point within them that's untouched, when they're clearly not in the state to... they feel that they can't go on without these pills?
So, I just wanted to understand if we can help such people, and there's a growing number here.
Acharya Prashant: It's not very complicated. It's all actually quite simple to understand. You see, you don't really have to convince them in the affirmative. You don't have to tell them that there exists a point within that the world cannot touch, just have to stop educating them in the inverse kind of doctrines.
See, the kid at 12 or 13 is yielding to anxiety and other sicknesses because for all these 13 years, he has been conditioned into believing that the world is everything. Right? That's not knowledge that comes with birth. That's something that the environment imposes on that kid: "The world is everything, the world is everything."
And if the kid has come to believe that the world is everything, how will there remain an untouched point within? Since the world is everything, therefore even the insides will be ruled by the world. Right? And the world, as we know, is quite fickle and our real nature is stability or permanence.
If you allow the world to rule here, then there arises a bewildering dichotomy. Your heart must be a place of serenity and stability. Whereas, if the world manages to penetrate your heart, your heart becomes a place of all kinds of fickleness, mobility.
Listener: Unpredictability.
Acharya Prashant: Unpredictability — nothing trustworthy or dependable. It is this dichotomy that pushes you into stress, tension, anxiety, and other related stuff that constitute the entire spectrum. It's not something that has happened at the age of 13. Continuously, the kid was being told — in ways direct, indirect, subtle, gross that the world means so much. The world means so much. Are you getting it?
The dad was fulminating over some lost opportunity and licking his boss's boots, and the kid was observing all that. What does that tell the kid? The world is everything. Just now, I found dad shouting at mom, and I found dad trying to somehow appease his boss. The dad is nobody. The world rules the father. So, the world is everything. Same with the mother, same everywhere and same kind of content on the TV and on the internet —“The world is everything, the world is everything.”
The kid enters the shopping mall or the supermarket, and he finds that the whole spectacle is just so overwhelming that he is left with no space of his own. Every bit of his insides is occupied by the world. The world starts getting just too much respect from the kid, too much value.
You know, I have come to my teenage now, I'm 13, and the world is everything. So I must get a certain respect, value, regard from my peers.
Thirteen, twelve, fourteen these are inflection points. The psyche changes because of hormonal stuff. And the kid is saying, "You know, I must be appreciated by my peers because the peers are everything." And not everybody would be appreciated by peers, and not every time at least. And when you are not appreciated, then you lose not just your self-worth, but the self itself, because the world has managed to occupy your heart. Your heart breaks.
The onus is on the parents and the teachers to never let the kid get indoctrinated in such a way. There must always be a healthy contempt for the world. I'm not talking of turning the kid mannerless or free of all kinds of etiquette. No, I'm talking of a healthy contempt. The world should not be allowed to mean too much. It must only have the kind of value that it deserves to have — not beyond that. The mother should never say, “I love you so much because you got the gold medal in athletics.” No.
Love is a thing of the heart. It cannot be allowed to depend on a worldly event.
The kid may or may not have come first in the race. We know how athletics is — it's a matter of a fraction of a second. So, is the mother implying that the silver medal would have meant less love for the kid?
The mother does not know, because the mother herself is quite ignorant. She does not know what she has educated the kid in. She has told the kid that love is dependent on gold. Frankly, that's the way the mother also thinks of gold. When the husband gets her gold, the mother serves him love — whatever that love means.
So now the kid is being told, “You get the gold medal and I'll give you a special hug, and a special dress, or a new bicycle.” And the mother thinks that all this is motherly and loving. Not motherly, not loving. This is toxic. And this was happening at the age of seven or eight. The effects would show up five years later when the kid turns 12 or 13. Nothing specific has happened at 12 or 13. It was happening all the way. Are you getting it?
Certain things are absolutes, and they must remain absolute. If I love you, I love you. That's not conditional. Obviously, I want you to do well in athletics and in academics and in all other areas. But I will not say, “You know, I love you only if you earn so much,” or, “Your grades exceed this mark.”
The fellow gains a lot of respect in the peer group because of the new pair of sneakers. And you know, these things mean a lot to teens and pre-teens.
I wanted a pair of slip-ons, and I went to one of these stores. There was this group of the ones who were just growing their facial hair — 12, 14, something — and the way they were making their decisions! One would come wearing a particular pair, and then there was a kind of plebiscite. And the fellow was so concerned, actually afraid. He was looking into everybody’s eyes: “Do I have your approval?”
And then one stud smarty would suddenly take over and say, “Dude, you look like something…”—some fictional character, I don’t even know what they relate to — he says “You look like this!” And now the decision is made. The deal is done. So that’s the way they are trained to mentally operate.
Now, tomorrow — some other pair of shoes — and he is ostracized by his community. And he comes home totally crestfallen. The parents won’t even appreciate the magnitude of the havoc, but his entire world has come crashing down.
And at that age, you know, girls also start meaning something to boys, and to girls, boys start meaning something. Especially if a girl has thrown a wicked glance, some kind of a snide one, at the shoes, the fellow would remain in depression for… I’m not trying to trivialize the whole thing, but these things happen and they are very important, they have to be addressed. And the parents must address these things: “Son, your worth is not decided by a pair of shoes.”
He has to be actively told that. Because the world, and the advertisers, and the shoemakers — what are they trying to impress on the kid?
The more expensive your shoe, the greater is your worth. That's what the whole capitalist, consumerist economy is trying to mold your kid into. He will measure his self-worth by the price tag of the shirt, and the shoe, and the mug, and whatever else he carries and uses. Are you getting it? So this is what is the essence of spirituality.
Spirituality is not really about sacred verses and that and that. It's not that it's not about that. I'm saying it's beyond that. It's about that and then it's something beyond the verses.
And this— the heart that I’m referring to is the highest. This is what is referred to in sacred literature as Atma or Hriday or the pure Self. But we need not use these terms. What's the point in using specific words? Atma is just a word. We need not use it.
The real point is to remain worldproof. And that does not mean becoming asocial or antisocial. That only means having the right relationship with society.
Yes I value you, you are society. But that does not mean that I'll allow you to penetrate here. You are dear ones, you have my regards and I care for you, and I really want good things to happen to you. All that is okay. But that does not mean that I'll allow you to rule me from within.
We unfortunately, and mostly inadvertently, educate our kids very wrongly. We let the world become too meaningful to them. Don't let that happen. My hope is — my hunch is — that a significant proportion of the mental health problem can be addressed if we give the right kind of value system to the kid.
Questioner: Thank you, sir.
Acharya Prashant: I forgot to say something, and let me just add that I hope — the importance of the right kind of literature ... .twelve or fourteen is not really too small an age. To the age of five or six — there is beautiful and ample wisdom literature. They must be introduced. And by the time they reach twelve or fourteen, they should have read at least twenty to thirty books that serve as armors. You know, the right words, the right message — once you really get it, it prevents a lot of nonsense from reaching you. So, that’s very important.
The moment your kid crosses four or five, the right kind of literature should be brought to him or her. If they can't read, then in the beginning, just through oral instruction. And later on, books can be given. So that too is very important. A well-read kid will not fall prey to easy temptations or all kinds of griefs.
