Casual Relationships, Quick Breakups
Questioner: Hello sir, my name is Ritik.
Acharya Prashant: Hello Ritik.
Questioner: I'm a second year student from the Economics department. So I have a question. These days relationships have become very casual. Like, people meet, they come in a relationship, and then they break up in a week or more or less. Even in friendship, we find people that were once friends don't even talk to each other. Then what is the reason for all this? Why is it happening?
Acharya Prashant: See, in the language of spirituality, it is said that only the truth is timeless. Only the truth is something time cannot destroy.
Have I already answered?
Questioner: But sir, even for a short time, for once we feel that we are emotionally connected.
Acharya Prashant: The degree of falseness of the relationship is inversely proportional to the duration of the relationship. The more false the relationship is, the shorter, obviously, it is going to be. And that you could correlate to the short attention spans we have these days. Not that the attention spans have become shorter — the thing you are attending to has become more and more false. And because it is so false, it is impossible for you to attend to it for a long time.
Only the truth is beautiful, and it can completely enchant you, mesmerize you, and make you stick to itself.
You become helpless, and you cannot let go of the truth. And therefore, the relationship becomes long, durable — if not timeless, at least sustainable.
But when you are relating to or concentrating on something utterly worthless, or coming to even a worthy thing from a worthless point within yourself, then the relationship cannot last. And that's why we have such short-lived friendships and love affairs these days. The ground itself was very shaky. How long can the building last?
Why do you relate to someone? Or why do people relate to someone?
Because you think you'll get something. As simple as that, right? If you get what you want, you are done. The relationship is exhausted. After you have sucked all that you could from a mango fruit, do you still keep carrying that large seed (Guthli)? The juice has been exploited, right? What remains is just the peel and the hard, useless thing within. Throw it away. And that's how we throw people away from our lives after having taken away whatever juice was there.
This is if there was any juice at all. Often you will pick up some stone or sand and expect some juice in it. And there is no juice, obviously. So what do you do? You dump. So either way, the thing cannot last. If you got what you wanted, then the thing is of no use anymore. If you didn't get what you wanted, the thing is again of no use. So dump and move on.
When does a relationship remain sustainable? A relationship remains sustainable when there is beauty in it for you every moment. Beauty that is inexhaustible. Beauty that is not available for consumption. Beauty that time cannot erode. If there is beauty of the kind that you can happily eat away, then the beauty will be eaten away. Full stop. Are you getting it?
You go to a snack bar. How long can you stay there? Will you build your home there? There is the hot dog. The hot dog is quite tempting. You take the hot dog and then you walk out. And that's how you walk out of a relationship. The hot dog has been ingested. The hot dog is in the stomach now. What will you do standing there anymore? You can return some other day for some other hot dog. Or a burger maybe, this time.
When the entire philosophy of life is centered on consumption. I exist to feed and fatten myself, and by doing that I'll be happy. Then what will you remain with some human being for? If you are with anything and everything just for the sake of fattening yourself, consuming — which is exploitation in a way — then even with human beings you will remain only to consume them, right?
And we get bored because other things are available to be consumed. How long can you feast on hot dogs alone? There are so many other delicacies, you know. And some hot dogs are sticky; they don't want to let you go. And then you disappear like a ghost — that's the word these days, ghosting, no? You block them from your social media, you block their number as well, and then you are never to be seen.
Questioner: So what can be done to improve the situation?
Acharya Prashant: No, the situation cannot be improved in that segment alone. You cannot remain the person you are and yet be very good with your girlfriend. Not possible. As long as you are the one you are, you and your affairs and your relationships will remain as they are right now. The entire worldview has to change. And before the worldview, your understanding of yourself has to change — rather, some understanding has to emerge in the first place.
We have no understanding to begin with. Zero. We do not even value that kind of understanding. For something to come to you, first of all, you must realize its worth. What's the point in self-knowledge? What's the point in knowing who I am and what I want? No point. And from that position of no point runs our entire life. No point. Do you have a center? No point. No point is my center. I'm centerless.
When you're centerless, then like a rolling stone, you can be found anywhere. It has no center.
See, I'm not advocating an arranged marriage-like situation. I'm not saying that you make friends in class three and spend your entire life only with them. No, that's not the intent. I'm talking of the mind that looks at human beings, animals, the entire existence as means to ingratiate itself.
I look at the laptop screen, I look at this equipment, I look at the human beings, I look at the animals out there, and my entire intention is — how do I please myself using them? I'm talking of this mind. This mind is a curse to itself and the entire world. Are you getting it?
I'm not talking of remaining loyal. I'm not talking of those hackneyed concepts of fidelity and such things. I'm talking of having an eye for the truth. I'm talking about love. Real love. And that's not going to be available to you if you have that kind of a rotten view of life.
I know I'm talking of a lot of things, and it would be all over the place to you. You wouldn't be able to make much sense of it. So, I know that. You would be a bit taken aback — what's going on? But, you'll have the recording, right? So if you feel like, go over it a few times. And if not today, maybe a few months down the line, it'll make some sense to you.
You cannot have good things in life without firstly being good yourself.
Obviously. You're not good, how can you have good relationships? Need I clarify, I'm not talking about you in person, I'm talking about everybody.
Questioner: So, what perception should we have in mind, like what?
Acharya Prashant: Do not go to the other. Do not go to the other to begin with, at least to consume and exploit. Try to have a certain self-sufficiency. Do not be dependent on the other in the sense of the other being seen as your fuel or food.
If you visualize a snake with a rabbit — a large snake—do you see how the snake coils itself around the rabbit? it's in some sense a very intimate embrace, no? And in that particular sense, when the lion is tearing the deer apart and gorging its innards into its own stomach, it is deep intimacy, is it not? I love you so much, I have made you a part of my body. There was separation a while back, now there is no separation. Now we are one. Your body is not only close to my body, your body is now my body. See how much I love you?
In love making, I suppose that's one of the phrases we use these days — eat me. It's not just coincidental. It's a lion and deer. Don't you say I love chicken? When you say you love something, it means the thing is gone. You will eat it up. I love chicken. How can the relationship last? The chicken won't last. The moment you love something, it's gone. The relationship cannot last.
Questioner: I think sir, I have enough clarity about it now.
Acharya Prashant: I'll be surprised if I have been of much use to you. Still, this is what needed to be said at this moment. I'm sure I have seeded something, and the seed will sprout.
Questioner: Yes, I can think from a different perception now.
Acharya Prashant: Thank you.
Questioner: Sir, I have a follow-up question. You said that people rely on others to fuel themselves. They see others as fueling them. And I have seen a lot of times that sometimes a person tries to build up a relationship, be it a friendship or anything, and when they don't get the equal response from the other side, they start to blame the other person.
So what I always like to say to my friends who suffered this thing is that it's all about priorities. You have prioritized one person, but that doesn't mean that he or she will prioritize you to the same level. So you just need to be, like, go with the flow. You just need to stick with your work. If the other person also does prioritize you...
Acharya Prashant: What do you mean by wait? These are very hazy terms. Very hazy terms. You said we do not get responses from the other person. What do you mean by response?
Questioner: Response means a lot of times, if some person tries to make a friendship with another, then their intention is to be a little bit casual, but the other person is not comfortable at the moment.
Acharya Prashant: I'm not getting it. What do you mean by friendship? And why do you want to be friends with someone? You look at someone and then you say, I want to be friends — why?
Questioner: No, that's like for example, if I see anyone who is actively participating in group discussions and other things, and I find that he or she might benefit me in the coming years, be it in the college life or anything else, then I will try to be friends with him or her.
Acharya Prashant: What do you mean by being friends? I want some clarity on that.
Questioner: Okay, being friends means that that person and — like there's a stronger bond than just being a class.
Acharya Prashnat: What do you mean by stronger bond?
Questioner: A stronger bond means that that person is always ready to help me whenever I need help from him or her.
Acharya Prashant: So that's what is called exploitation.
Questioner: No.
Acharya Prashant: You're using. I mean, an example that comes to my mind is the urinal. Always there for you.
Questioner: But exploitation won't it be exploitation if I am just there only to use that person?
Acharya Prashant: Okay, you'll use and clean?
Questioner: What if I also contribute?
Acharya Prashant: What if the fellow does not want your contribution? You will impose your contribution?
Questioner: No sir.
Acharya Prashant: So what do you want then? Why is the other even in your mind? No, I am sending out feelers. The fellow is not responding. He is high on my priority list. I am not high on her priority list. What is this priority list? Priority of what? What is this priority?
Prior means before. Prior means higher.
Higher than what?
Questioner: Higher than others maybe, because I personally don't…
Acharya Prashant: Higher than others in what sense?
Questioner: But I have to ask my friends about it. I don't have much knowledge.
Acharya Prashant: Then why do you give this question so much priority if you have to ask your friends about it?
Questioner: No, not priority, I was just...What I explained to them is that just don't think too much about it, like what we said.
Acharya Prashant: What's your name, son?
Questioner: Devansh.
Acharya Prashant: Devansh, it is all about sex.
Questioner: What if it's for a boy and boy?
Acharya Prashant: Then it's again about sex. Sex is not just about penetrating the other's organs. Seeking things for your physical self is sexual activity. That's how sex is broadly defined in psychology. That's what Freud or Jung would call the sexual motive. All that you want is stuff to further your physical self. Now, that may or may not involve vaginal penetration. That may even mean you are getting things to, you know, keep your body happy in other ways.
Questioner: It's all about physical satisfaction.
Acharya Prashant: Nothing more than that. Great.
Questioner: Got it sir. Thanks a lot.
Acharya Prashant: Wonderful.
