Be Honest: What Are You Actually Bowing To?
Questioner: Good evening, sir. So my question basically revolves around responsibility. Even though you talked a lot about responsibility, I was not very much satisfied with it. So I am a final-year student, and I want to pursue my career in higher studies. I want to go for higher studies mostly abroad, but at the same time, I feel a little bit of responsibility, both financially and emotionally, towards my family. I want to start earning soon so that I can support them, even though they have never restricted me from doing further studies. But they are not emotionally prepared to send me so far from them. While I was in this dilemma.
Acharya Prashant: What is meant by emotional lack of preparation in sending a girl away? Elaborate.
Questioner: Not a girl, their a child.
Acharya Prashant: You are a girl, right? We will be specific. Yes, what is meant by emotional lack of preparation in sending the girl abroad? What exactly does that mean? We do not want any vagueness. Very specifically, what is meant by that?
Questioner: That means they want their child to be with them.
Acharya Prashant: Are you with them right now?
Questioner: Right now, I am with them.
Acharya Prashant: Where are they? Where are they?
Questioner: I can be there anytime.
Acharya Prashant: Even if you are abroad, you can be there anytime. Still, you will be taking a flight; from there also, you will be taking a flight. From here, the flight is three hours; from there, it is eight hours. That is all.
Questioner: But sir, it is not that much easy, I guess.
Acharya Prashant: What do you mean by that? You go to the airport, you take the boarding pass, you take your seat. (Indicating takeoff, landing, and going ahead through hand gestures), It is that easy.
Questioner: No sir, it is like.
Acharya Prashant: It is something else.
Questioner: Yes, it is something else.
Acharya Prashant: What is something else? Tell me.
Questioner: Like when we are living abroad, it is not completely like we are that free there. We are having weekends. We are having weekends here also. We can go there…
Acharya Prashant: Convince yourself. Don't convince me, because It’s not this track. There is a track that is something else. Yes. In fact, you have more holidays there than you have here.
Questioner: Finance is also some issue, sir, like tickets.
Acharya Prashant: You earn more there. If the ticket is expensive, your earning is also higher there.
Questioner: Expenses are also higher there.
Acharya Prashant: Haan, toh theek hai. Salary bhi high hai. (So it’s fine. The salary is high as well.)
Questioner: Expenses are also high.
Acharya Prashant: You save more. That is why people go abroad, right? Because they save more there and then they remit. They save so much that they send it back to their country.
Questioner: But what I was saying is that I want to go for higher studies, not for a job, right? So I do have a little expenses there. So it is not easy for me to travel that much frequently.
Acharya Prashant: So then the problem you are stating is not India versus abroad. It is immediate earning versus two years of delay.
Questioner: Yes.
Acharya Prashant: Versus two years of delay. It boils down to this then. Okay, right? So how big is the financial crunch at home?
Questioner: It is big.
Acharya Prashant: Then you must take up a job.
Questioner: But what about dreams?
Acharya Prashant: You should not talk about it. Dreams are meant to be put under the shoe and squashed.
Questioner: Oh, like should I remove this from my life?
Acharya Prashant: I cannot do it for you. First of all, you have to admit that you want to stand up for what you think, right? I cannot do it for you. If you are trying to play your own enemy, how can I help? The arguments that you are forwarding are all arguments of a lawyer practicing against you.
Questioner: Sir, you still have not heard my full question.
Acharya Prashant: Okay, please tell.
Questioner: Can I take the book there?
Acharya Prashant: Yes. Yes. No, do not quote from the book. The author is here. The book is not needed.
Questioner: So it is basically:
“If duty feels heavy, it was never truly yours. Authentic responsibility uplifts; fake responsibility enslaves.”
~Truth Without Apology
Acharya Prashant: Why are you quoting from this chapter? It is a very dangerous chapter. It is saying, “If duty feels heavy, it was never truly yours.” Do not read that chapter.
Questioner: I just wanted to ask: what is the basic difference between authentic responsibility and emotional attachment?
Acharya Prashant: See, I will tell you. I was in the same seat once. After my MBA, I worked in the corporate for three years. I had an education loan to pay and some other financial liabilities. But that was the fact. And I was utterly convinced that there was no option but to take up a job if I wanted to clear myself of the monetary burden. So I did take up a job, but that was not to meet somebody else’s expectations.
So yes, the option that you said of immediately taking up a job is a viable option. But the question is: why is a particular option being chosen? Yes, you can choose to forsake your studies and maybe work now, maybe go for further studies three or four years later. Even that is possible. But the question is whether the arguments that you are presenting are truthful. That is the question.
In the sense that I really did have a financial liability. There was a bank standing on my head, and there were heavy EMIs to be paid. So there was a real financial burden. Is the burden equally real in your case? If it is, then proceed.
Questioner: So can you please explain this word “authentic responsibility”?
Acharya Prashant: There is no need. If the burden is real, then you must give up on your desire to study further, because one must not live in debt, frankly. If there is a real debt to clear, then you must proceed, clear the debt, or find out a way where you can study while clearing your debt.
Maybe there is a place that offers you a scholarship. Maybe I don't know. Maybe you can find a way to work part-time. I don’t know. You will have to figure that out. But I might be totally wrong.
But my hunch is that often, in the name of financial pressure, what we are really kneeling down to is something else. But because that something else is not nice enough to be named, what we quote is financial pressure. I might be wrong. Only you know what your domestic situation is, and only you know what is that debt figure that you need to clear.
I knew my figure, and I knew as a fact that this is the number of months I need to work, this is the kind of salary I need to draw, and I will then be totally free. I worked with discipline. I earned my salary. I cleared my debt. I established the organization immediately after that.
Questioner: So is it a fake responsibility?
Acharya Prashant: I do not know. Only you can know. How do I know your balance sheet? How do I know what really is the amount that you are carrying in your head? How do I know? You have to be honest towards yourself, very honest.
I was carrying not one but multiple loans, and they were supposed to be cleared off in eight years. I settled them in three years flat. I cut down on every possible expense. I said, “I have to be free. This has to stop.”
So if that honesty is there, then any decision that you take will be great. If that honesty is not there, then we can have supporting arguments for any kind of decision.
Figure out how much money is really needed at home, really, and how much is a mere demand or a desire. What I needed to the bank was something that really needed to be paid. What you are thinking of paying at home, how much of that is a real need, and how much of that is a mere demand, desire, or expectation? You need to be sorted on that.
Listener: I will also add on to that. Maybe what she also wants to say is that responsibility comes from her too, like she wants to take care of her parents. And while going abroad, she might seem selfish for leaving them all alone.
Acharya Prashant: Why aren’t you speaking? Why aren’t you uttering this?
Questioner: You didn’t give me a chance.
Acharya Prashant: I didn’t give you a chance! This big mic you are carrying is as big as mine. Then there will be more questions that you will need to ask yourself. How many siblings?
Questioner: Three.
Acharya Prashant: Then how come all the responsibility has fallen on the girl’s head?
Questioner: I am the middle child.
Acharya Prashant: Neither the eldest nor the smallest. What rule of existence puts it all on the middle one? How many brothers, how many sisters?
Questioner: Elder brother and younger sister.
Acharya Prashant: Elder brother, younger sister. So a lot of diversity in everything, and yet everything is falling upon you squarely. How come?
Questioner: They are not forcing anything.
Acharya Prashant: Nothing is ever forced. That would look ugly. Nothing is ever forced in a tangible way. I am allowing myself to look ugly so that I can counter ugliness. Who will want to push you in an ugly way?
The husband pushes the wife for sex. Does he do that in an ugly way? No, the way is kept fine. The desire is something else. The way is all right, “Oh, I love you so much. Come to bed.” Or, “I have brought this new jewelry thing for you. Come to bed.” The way is kept sweet, gentle, polite, loving in appearance. But there is something else at work inwardly. What is that thing? That is what you have to uncover.
Questioner: Can you repeat your point, Devika? Was your add-on; you added something?
Listener: Yes. I was just trying to add to her point that maybe while going abroad, she also feels responsibility for her parents, and she might also feel selfish for leaving them alone.
Acharya Prashant: Okay. Tell me, you know the kind of country we are moving to become. It is for a reason that you want to go abroad. How is it not love towards your parents? If you manage to get a footing there and within a few years you are able to take your parents, won’t they not have a better time? Won’t they not get to spend their old age in a better way abroad?
So you will be spending time with them, a lot of time, right? They will be close to retiring now, right? If you are settled there, why cannot you call them for a few months every year and be with them for five months, six months every year? Why not? Because that happens. Eighty percent of my batchmates are abroad, and they call their parents there. Some have permanently called their parents there.
Questioner: Before getting settled there, there comes a point when you are jobless there and you are still studying there.
Acharya Prashant: So, that’s fine, usme kya ho gaya? Abhi toh parents won’t be that old. How old are you?
Questioner: I am 21.
Acharya Prashant: “I am 21.” Had I had a daughter, she would have been your age. How old am I? Do I look that frail, that old, that I need a daughter to lean on? Do I? What is it about supporting the old father? That’s me. Come to support me, I will push you away.
Questioner: You said if we are clear about something, if we understand it, it will happen. So if someone is thinking of imaginary obstacles, they are making it, they have a lawyer against themselves, as you said. They are making it; they are convincing themselves that they will not do it. So I believe first…
Acharya Prashant: Very difficult, then. Very, very difficult. Once somebody is arguing against herself, it becomes an impossible battle to assist in. You may stand there as a helper, but how can you help someone who is hell-bent on defeating herself or himself, no gender bias, sorry. I face this daily. At some point, I actually feel like giving up.
Questioner: Hello. Namaskaram, sir. Sir, my question is: what is the real definition of living an outrageous life, like you mentioned today in this talk?
Acharya Prashant: It is outrageous to those who stare at it from the stands. For you, it is just very natural.
Life which is natural to the free one will definitely look outrageous to the unfree ones. So you do not really have to live outrageously. You simply have to live naturally, freely, lovingly.
But when you live this way, then the bystanders, they will all quip, “Oh, such an outrageous person. What an outrageous life.” Wild, mad, eccentric, you will be taunted like that. It will be outrageous, not to you. To you, it will appear simple. The right life is a simple life.
Questioner: The life of Bhagat Singh and those people?
Acharya Prashant: It is outrageous to those who look at it from afar. “Oh my God.” Parents will say, “No, no, no, no, no. My son should not become like Bhagat Singh. Otherwise, he will be hanged at 22.” What an outrageous life Bhagat Singh lived. But to Bhagat Singh, his life was simple, cool, natural, free.
Questioner: Nice, I got.
