Relationships: Trust & Broken Expectations
Questioner: Namaste, sir. So my question is about relationships. As you said, the main purpose of a relationship is for liberation, or the real relationship is that which helps in liberation. But in my life, I see that there are both kinds of relationships—those which help me in liberation and those which do not help me, which are like physical relationships or the relationships that I got by birth, which I did not choose.
So my question is, how should I deal with those relationships which do not help me in liberation? And you also said that there is nothing that doesn't have the potential to assist you. So that means the relationships which are bodily relationships also have a potential to assist me in liberation. So how can I—
Acharya Prashant: No, they will assist you by being no more. I did not say that stuff as it will be helpful to you. There are things that are of use when you preserve them and maintain them, and there are things that are of use when you throw them away. So, I'll be helpful to you by being no more. That’s the way those things will be of help to you.
Again, the question is a bit wrongly framed. The thing is, you are asking, "How do I deal with those relationships that are just physical? They have arisen out of lust, or they are coming from birth." In all this, is there any remembrance of love, the target? We said all relationships get their right place and right nourishment from their utility towards the target. If they are useful towards the target, they are all right.
At no point are you talking of the target. You're still talking about the relationship only. Bad relationships—where do they arise from? They arise from a forgetfulness of the real target. When you forget the one that you must really reach, the result definitely will be bad relationships. If you have ever made a bad relationship, think of it. It would be in a moment when you have totally forgotten the real thing. If you remember the real thing, there is no way a bad relationship can happen.
To the extent, sometimes, we do not just forget the real thing—we actually actively deceive the real thing so that a bad relationship can be raised. How, then, to rectify a relationship? Forget it. Remember the real thing. If you remember the real thing, the right relationship will get nourishment, and the wrong one will shovel down on its own. You don't need to hack down a wrong relationship. You just have to reaffirm your commitment to the right thing.
Somebody asked me, "How do I maintain the right circle of friends?" I said, "Wrong question." You move towards the right target. The ones who keep accompanying you are the right ones. Full stop. If you do not have anything for the right target, for the right destination, and you just keep trying to filter your friends on some criteria, you'll never succeed.
Let the filtering be automatic. I'm not filtering you. I'm inviting everybody. I'm going towards my target, my pilgrimage. I'm inviting everybody to accompany me. Those who are right—you’ll find them by your side. Those who are wrong—they’ll drop by the wayside. Isn’t that simple? And you’ll be relieved of the burden of filtering them, and you’ll be spared the accusation that you dropped them.
I didn’t drop you. In fact, I invited you to accompany me. You decided not to accompany me. I'm not shutting down my doors on your face. Just that when you arrive, I will not change the music. For your sake, I will not deceive or abandon my real love. Gita is the song. And I’m listening to this song that I love. And you come to me. If you cannot tolerate Gita, you will leave on your own.
My job is not to flip the track. I'll not say, "Oh, now that you have come, let it be hip-hop." No, no. Atmagyaan ke… Chances are that fellow will not stand this. The moment you say Andhe karam sab tyaag do, he’ll be gone. That’s your job in life—not to filter your relationships, but to stand committed to the real one. Those who will accompany you will then automatically be the right ones.
We make this mistake—to maintain relationships, we wear masks. So in my solitude, it is Gita, and when that person arrives, I say, "No, no, no, you know, just by accident, this one got turned on."
Don’t wear masks. Have that self-respect. That’s what is dignity. This is who I am, and I’ll not exchange my truth for your sake. If you are all right with who I really am, let’s be together. But don’t ask me to drop my authenticity.
Most of your existing relationships will fail this test because they are relationships between masks. You wear a mask, and you expect the other to wear a mask. And you know, there is no fun. You do not even know the other’s face. There is actually no relationship at all.
How can two masks be related to each other? None of you have ever really seen each other. Get the symbolism, please. You might be in a relationship for two decades—have you ever even once seen that person? Never. How can you see when there are masks?
Interestingly, you cannot even kiss the other person. When masks try to kiss each other, all you get is friction and sparks—plastic rubbing against plastic—and just for the heck of it, making some lustful noises.
Forget relationships. Remember the real thing. The real thing will give you the right relationship. Forget the real thing, and your punishment will be that you will be saddled with an obnoxious relationship. The punishment will be that you’ll bear that relationship for long now.
Your internal cunningness will tell you, "See how smart I was? I deceived the real one to pinch this relationship." Sir, you have not earned something. Even if you have earned something, it’s a punishment. You have earned a punishment for yourself. You think you have brought home a goodie.
The right relationship, in some way, is a blessing—a gift, Prasaad. Remember that one. Offer what you have at the Yajna, and then what they get is Prasad. Else, you are a thief. The right relationship is Prasad. Prasad is so happy.
Yes,
Questioner: Acharya Ji. From this answer, I got to learn two things—that even though there are bodily relationships, I never try to use them for liberation. And the second thing is about the mask.
So yes, I use the mask many times. Many times I have skipped the Gita sessions as well. When someone asks me where I was—
Acharya Prashant: But you know, there is something worse than skipping the Gita session for a relationship. It is to attend the Gita session for a relationship. I’ve seen such cases. It is obviously bad if you skip the Gita session for a relationship. But it’s far worse to come to the Gita for a relationship.
Questioner: Yes, just a follow-up on this. So, I use a mask, and I don’t want to show them that I listen to the Bhagavad Gita. Also, many times I show them that I do not get affected by anything. I do not get affected by what you say or do. So this kind of behavior contradicts itself. Why?
Acharya Prashant: My teacher told me, Trishavant jo hoenge, aaenge jhak Maar. "You do the right thing. The right ones will come to you. And if there is someone for whom you have to drop the right thing, that person is surely not right for you."
You want to know who’s not right for you? The one who drags you away from the right thing. Full stop.
Never make this mistake in relationships. Never. Never compromise on your authenticity for the sake of maintaining a relationship. Never. Let the truth be the truth. Let the first be the first. No compromises there. Okay?
Questioner: Thankyou Sir.
