Three kinds of negotiations (human interactions) || Acharya Prashant, with youth (2013)

Acharya Prashant

13 min
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Three kinds of negotiations (human interactions) || Acharya Prashant, with youth (2013)

Speaker: The first kind of negotiation is based on interest, self-interest. Self-interest based negotiations. What am I trying to do in this kind of negotiations? I’m trying to maximize my perceived payoff; I’m trying to maximize my benefit. Here am I an employer or an employee and I’m thinking of myself as totally separate from the other party and I’m saying that there is something to be had for which both the parties are vying and only one party can get it and I want to be the one who can get it .

Have you heard of something called as zero-sum game? What is a zero-sum game? A zero-sum game is a game in which if I win a unit then the other party loses a unit. So the total payoff is always zero. I get one and you lose one. This is a zero-sum game. A self-interest based negotiation is always a zero-sum game and hence it is always violent. It says that I get something only if the other party loses something. So, I’m trying to snatch something away from you and you are trying to snatch something away from me. It is as if there is a limited resource for which both the parties are struggling, competing. Are you getting it? This is commonly the type of negotiation that we witness not only between an employer and employee but also between a person and another person and the persons could be anybody. A husband and a wife, a father and a son, a mother and a daughter

Listener : A teacher and a student.

Speaker: A student and a teacher obviously; a seller and a buyer. You want to sell it to me for 30 rupees but if I get it for 25, then I gain 5 rupees extra. But you..

Listener: Lose 5 rupees.

Speaker: So the sum is…

Listener: Zero.

Speaker: Zero and hence there is violence. Hence, there is a lot of haggling. Have you seen the kind of stuff that happens at ‘sabzi mandi’?

Listener: Bargaining.

Speaker: Bargaining, right. This is as we said self-interest based negotiation. We can give another more appropriate name to it. This is ego based negotiation. In what sense is it ego based negotiation? I perceive myself as distinct from you and ego is separation. Ego says I’m this and I’m not this. Ego thrives on that; ego thrives on creating a boundary. This kind of negotiation exists when boundaries are there. So I’m happy that I’ve gained 5 rupees and I do not bother that you have lost 5 rupees. I want to maximize my pleasure, what happens to you I do not care. And I care if at all I care, only to the extent to which your happiness has a bearing on my happiness. You see if I know that if you become too unhappy you’ll leave me then I’ll not make you too unhappy. But by not making you too unhappy whose interest am I serving, yours or mine? I know if I ask you for too high a price, the customer will go away. So, I’ll not ask for a very heavy price. If I’m not asking for a very heavy price is it because I love the customer? It is in my self-interest not to ask for too much price otherwise the customer will…?

Listeners: Go away.

Speaker: So, at the end of the day whose interest is paramount? My own. This is ego. This is self-serving, self-centered ego. And this is the kind of negotiation that we usually see. The world is running on this kind of negotiations and hence our world is a very violent place. Be it a workplace, be it a public place or be it our homes, our offices, our courts, our parliaments, our playgrounds. They are all very – very violent. Our sports are violent. If one team has to win the other team must lose. Have you ever seen a game in which both parties win? So, obviously our sports are teaching us to compete and become violent. And that is also what our education is teaching us; that there are only 100 seats and 10,000 people are vying for them, so if you get selected the other will not get selected, you have occupied a seat. Either I get that seat or you get that seat; both of us cannot get a single seat. So, again a zero sum thing. Alright, this we understand, negotiation? Simple maximization of gratification, maximization of pleasure, maximization of self – interest; this is the common type of negotiation. However, there is another type of negotiation as well. After all the word ‘negotiate’ simply means to make your way through, it means charting a course.

There can be another type of negotiation, another way of working in which you are still talking, you still want to convince him but all this is not happening for your petty gains, all this is not to serve your self-interest. It is in some other direction. You are not identified so closely with your limited self that you are not looking at all at the other. You are looking at yourself alright, whatever you call as yourself but you are also looking at a bigger picture. You want to do good to yourself but at the same time you don’t want to harm the other. In this kind of negotiation, another situation emerges where the mind works in such a creative way that you gain as well as the other party also gains. The mind is not really violent anymore. The mind says that there is this piece of bread. It is not necessary that either I’ll have it or you will have it. Can we find out a way in which we both may not only share this but also use this in a way which enhances the interests of both of us, which satisfies both of us? It is not just a simple sharing; it is a creative movement ahead. It’s not that you share the bread 50 – 50, I’m not talking of that. This is when you are not violent. This is when you are not hell-bent upon destroying the other. This is when you are not saying that nobody else counts, only I count, and to hell with the others. Right? Then, a creative movement happens in which both parties benefit and it is no longer a zero sum game. I gain something and you too gain something. Then this negotiation is not a conflict; then this negotiation is a moving together.

The first kind of negotiation is a head on conflict; I want to go one way and you want to go the other way and we both are in conflict. And whosoever is powerful will make his way. In the second kind of negotiation you are not colliding head-on, you are saying alright, the two of, let us move together and find out what can be done. We are moving together, we are not moving into each other, not bumping into each other. Are you getting it? And we’ll find out a way that is for common good. Not that I’m giving up on my interest but at the same time I’m not oblivious to your interest. So, we are walking together like partners, this negotiation has a certain beauty, this negotiation is not harmful to anybody. In negotiation, you don’t want to apply pressure on the other person; instead you want to find out the common areas where you can agree. You want to think hard, you want to come up with innovative solutions, you want to say can there be a way that has not been thought of till now and there must be a way. Yes? This is the second type of negotiation.

The story doesn’t end here. There is a third type of interaction between two human beings, which I’ll not want to call as negotiation, yet it is an interaction. A negotiation is an interaction, right? We said at most of the times, most of the human beings deal with each other in a self-centered way, the first kind of negotiation. Sometimes it happens that another kind of negotiation takes place, the second one, in which people want to move together and not necessarily harm each other. And rarely between two human beings or between any two beings does a third event happen. That event is called Love.

In first kind of negotiation you say I want to look at only my interest. In the second kind of negotiation you say, I want to look at my interest and your interest. And in this third kind of interaction you say I’m not even looking at my interest, only your interest is important. This is the highest kind of negotiation, if you want to call it a negotiation. The first one says, ‘only me’ , the second one says, ‘*me as well as you*‘, the third one says, ‘I’m not there and I do not matter; only you, only YOU’; and this is a rare happening, absolutely rare happening. But when this happens, it’s a flowering and the lovely smell spreads far and wide. It inspires so many others; it calms down the entire world. Those who look at it are amazed; ‘Can something like this happen? We always thought the world must be self-centric. Is it possible for this third thing to happen where I’m saying it doesn’t matter what happens to me?’ It doesn’t matter how many rupees I’m losing, it doesn’t matter what is happening to my comfort, please your welfare is important. And your welfare is not important because you are my wife or my son or my friend or my countrymen. Your welfare is important because you are you, I’m not imposing any conditions; and I’m not giving you money because you are my daughter. It’s an unconditional, unreasonable love, And this can happen only when, remember, this can happen only when you are so absolutely full within yourself that howsoever much you give to others your own fullness remains full. You’re so confident, so absolutely sure, that it doesn’t matter how much I am expending, how much I am giving away. I still have enough. Nothing will happen to me. It’s like a candle lighting another candle. When a candle lights another candle, what happens to the light of the first candle? Does it get diminished?

Listeners: No…

Speaker: This is this third kind of negotiation. ‘*I have so much, I can keep giving and keep giving and I’ll not reduce*’. This is possible only when you first discover how much you have. This is possible only when you first discover what you are and then this third interaction, this most beautiful event in life can happen. Once you know who you are, then you become capable of love. This is the real negotiation.

Unfortunately no MBA course teaches you this. They teach you mostly the first kind and sometimes the second kind. The real thing they touch not. And if you talk of this kind of interaction to those who teach you business, they will say this is foolhardy; how can you just keep giving without expecting in return? Are you mad? You will go bankrupt; you’ll be left with nothing. This is how a business man thinks. Existence does not take it this way. Existence says *‘the more you give, the more you’ll have*’; businessman says ‘*the more you give, the less you’ll have*‘. Existence says, ‘the more you give, the more you have’ . But before you give you have to first find it. How can you give without finding? Can you give without finding? Now the person who engages in the first kind of negotiation and the person who engages in the third kind of negotiation are two opposite beings. The first one is saying I’m hungry, I don’t have anything, and I want more and more. He is like a beggar in front of the entire existence; he wants to snatch things, a little bit from here, a little bit from there. That’s his negotiation, his brand of living; the first kind of person. And the third person, he says, ‘*What! I’m the king of kings, I have everything*’. The first one says, ‘*I’m a beggar*’; he may have millions and billions but he still feels he’s a beggar, and the proof is that he still wants more. See, who is a beggar, the one who says I want more is a beggar and this first person keeps on wanting more and more. Is that not so? In spite of his billions, he is still asking for a little more. ‘*Can I have a little more please, please*’? That’s what a beggar does, right? This third one says, *‘alright take it away, take it away. I’m blowing it away it with both hands. I don’t care. I’ve found out something that is so immense, so overflowing that howsoever much I distribute it remains as much, even increases*’.

So, don’t be too bothered about what the world is doing. Don’t think that relationship of man and man must be based on this kind of haggling and bargaining and cutting of corners; these are pretty pathetic examples, do not go by them. Another kind of living is possible and everywhere, even in business this is possible. Obviously it must happen at homes, but even in business it is possible. In every sphere of life it is possible. It depends on you. If you are the third kind of man, you will deal in the third kind of way. Yes!

Excerpted from a ‘Shabd-Yog’ session. Edited for clarity.

This article has been created by volunteers of the PrashantAdvait Foundation from transcriptions of sessions by Acharya Prashant
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