Self-awareness is not self-stalking || (2015)
Questioner (Q): I seem to be moving from the so-called liberal, open, to a highly moralistic type of woman. It is a movement from one end to the other. But nothing has changed actually. I may just be repressing myself and keeping more watch on myself. What is happening to me?
Acharya Prashant (AP): Do you want to ‘know’ what is going on, or you want to change what is going on? What is the intention?
Q: Both.
AP: If there is no intention to change, there cannot really be a desire to collect knowledge. Unless I have problems with something, why would I want to bring it into the purview of knowledge?
Please understand this, why does man collect knowledge? Man collects knowledge because of his restlessness. You want to bring something into your mental domain as ‘knowledge’, only because you are not comfortable with it. What you are comfortable with, is alright ‘as it is’. You cannot have a desire to put it in a mental framework.
When you are with a beautiful flower, do you really feel like counting its various biological parts? Have you done that? When you are with a beautiful flower, do you feel like estimating the wavelength of its color? Do you do that? But if you have problems with it, if you are such a clever mind that wants to improve the flower, then you will want to know about the flower. Otherwise, the being, the total being of the flower is enough. You would not want to know about it.
It is out of his deep restlessness and discomfort with existence, that man collects knowledge. And the only use of knowledge is to change things, to manipulate existence.
Don’t you see that happening around you? You collect knowledge, and then what do you use it for? To change stuff! So, I turn your question back to you. Something is happening. Why are you uncomfortable with it?
Q: I liked the previous ‘me’.
AP: There is something that is attractive in the way you were. There is something repulsive in the way you think you are becoming. Neither was anything attractive then, nor is anything repulsive right now.
All attraction and repulsion are with respect to the frame of reference. If things are flowing, let them flow. You don’t need to keep an eye over yourself.
Awareness is not like being a watchdog or a sentinel. Awareness is always very subtle, very hidden, very passive. Awareness does not judge or dictate. Awareness is like being with somebody without interfering. It is a very peaceful thing. It is not a thing for the watchdogs.
You ‘witness’ yourself. You don’t hound yourself; you don’t stalk yourself. Self-awareness is not self-stalking.
Be with yourself. That is sufficient. Things happen. It’s alright!
