How to Break Free from the Trap of Seeking External Validation?
Questioner: Pranaam Acharya Ji. Acharya Ji, my question is: how to break free from seeking external validation? I keep repeating the same mistake again and again. Where am I going wrong?
Acharya Prashant: You see, we are made in a way that we'll always have a relationship with the external. When we say internal, we mean things that we consider as part of the self—all that we call as internal. So the body, mind, thoughts, feelings—these we usually call as internal. And then these objects of senses, the entire big world—these we call as external. We'll always have a relationship with the external
The relationship can be of two very different kinds. One, when you know yourself and are sure of yourself within—that is one center to operate from. And second is when you do not know of yourself, when you have never bothered to be authentic in your thoughts, beliefs, actions, way of life—then that is another center one operates from. See, when one operates from a center of inner ignorance, then it becomes very necessary to depend on the outer, and that is one kind of relationship.
You can be greatly related to the other, very strongly related, very inexorably related to the other, and yet you could be related from the wrong center. You could say you could be related because of the wrong reasons.
The relationship can be very strong, but the strength of the relationship may not necessarily be an auspicious thing. You can have a very, very strong relationship with the external, and yet it could be from a very wrong center. And what do we mean by wrong? The center of inner ignorance.
So, I'm not sure of myself, obviously, I have to relate very strongly with you. To keep asking for direction, to keep asking for validation and assurance, to keep asking for support. Like a man very firmly grips his crutches— when you are not sure of the steadiness of your gait, the firmness of your walk — then, have you seen how you very strongly clutch to something which you won't usually do?
It is your weakness that becomes the strength of the relationship. Inner weakness starts showing up as the strength in the relationship. That's a very deceptive thing. All that you will see is a strong relationship, but what it is symptomatic of is a weak interior. What is visible is a strong relationship, and what it signifies is a weak interior. That's usually the case.
99% of what we call as strong relationships belong to this category. The relationship is strong because the person is weak, or the persons are weak. Hence, the relationship is very strong. The association with the other is mighty forceful because realization of the self is very weak. This should be cause for alarm, but that's not how human beings are. We look at the surface of things and draw our conclusions from there. So, two persons walking hand in hand, gripping each other very firmly—that, to us, is necessarily a good thing.
A consequence of this sometimes is a period in which the delusion of such a relationship is broken, it would be, from time to time because such a thing cannot be sustainable. So, for a while, you will find a person looking indifferent towards the world. We start thinking that this is a new kind of relationship with the external. The first kind of relationship was when you were strongly related to the other—sought his approval, his guidance, his support, everything. The other kind of relationship, we think so, is when you don't care about the other, and you say, "Nothing doing with the world, and I'm on my own."
But both these relationships are from the same center—the center of ignorance—and one is a consequence of the other. One oscillates between these two. You come too close to an object, obviously, there would be disillusionment, and then you would swing away like a pendulum.
And for a period, it would appear that you are in a state of dispassion—you know, Vairagya, "I'm done with the world." No, you are still operating from the same center. So these two relationships are mirror images of each other. Let us not be fooled.
But we said a relationship is possible from another center as well. What is that other center? That is a center of inner assurance. A thousand times, I've looked at myself, talked to myself, observed myself—not once, but continuously. And from there, I have seen my inner patterns, I've seen my fears, I've encountered my inner demons. And when I watch these things within myself, I'm able to see the exact same things within others as well. But others probably are not watching it for themselves.
I have decided that this is important—the watching—and I'll do it. I'm watching it. The more I watch the center of all my weaknesses, the more I gain freedom from these weaknesses. The more I gain freedom from these, the more I gain freedom from my inner weaknesses. The more I get freedom from the need to depend on others, a certain non-weakness arises. I'm deliberately not calling it strength. It is closer to Sahajata, just a free flow of consciousness. Strength is just too aggressive and too outwardly directed. We can probably avoid it for now, or maybe we need not avoid it.
Getting it? There is a freedom from fear and a freedom from the care of consequences. So now, I need not depend on others. Now, I need not have a relationship with others—need not. But just as I could see my own inner situation, I can also see that a similar situation prevails in others. And from this, a totally different kind of relationship is born. Again, I hold hands—not with the purpose of gaining strength, but with the purpose of offering strength.
From out there, the situation from both the centers might look similar—two persons stand holding hands—but the inner reality is dimensionally different. In one case, you were holding hands because you were just so weak, you could not be independent. In the other situation, you are so strong that you can afford to be independent but real strength—sahaja, non-weakness—that real flow of consciousness, real strength, brings compassion in its wake. And that's what makes you hold hands.
Holding hands, in itself, does not prove anything, anything! Espousing a noble cause in life—that too, in itself, proves nothing. There are just so many people who turn towards charitable activities just so that they avoid looking at the inner vacuum.
The fellow had a breakup; next day, he was leading a campaign: "Say No to Plastics." That—that won’t do, sir, it won’t do. The day you find somebody else, you will be throwing plastics and rubber all around. No, not that way. Operating from the right center—that’s what matters. Otherwise, you might hand hold a man, an object, a woman, a cause, an animal—anything. It just does not end right.
You could call it boring, or you could call it very interesting—how everything ultimately boils down to the point you are operating from. “Our relationship is good." I don't know. "Our relationship is bad." I don't know. Depends on where you are coming from. Depends on where you're coming from.
The funny part is, when you do not know your own limits and weaknesses—when you do not know how to assess your own interiors, which is probably an easier thing to do because you are always available to yourself to observe—how will you ever know who to seek help from?
People ask, "How do we know what lies inside that other person?" Especially young people—they say, "How do we know whether the other is a fraudster or a gangster or what? He's knocking at the doors of my life. How do I know what kind of character he is, Sir?" How will you know the other person when you have never known yourself? And this is the easier task among the two. What is easier? Knowing yourself or knowing that person there, in that chair? Huh?
So, I do not know myself, but I feel very sure that this one is the right one for me. Funny! I feel very confident in my decision—"This one is the right one for me! I'll seek help from that one!" I cannot read anything—my eyes are gone. So, I'm scrolling through the ads to determine the right doctor for me, the eye doctor, the ophthalmologist. Because I cannot see anything, hence I'm reading all the ads, and from this, I'll confidently arrive at a decision—"This one is the right eye doctor for me!"
And we manage to feel very confident, no? Finally, you know, we had the right vibes! And the relationship progressed in such a natural and effortless way! We knew we were for each other!" And such things. And you know.
Sir, do you even know what effortlessness means? "Intuitively, we feel made for each other!" Sir, do you even know what intuition means? But there is a certain security in feeling confident, so we give ourselves that liberty. Just say, "I feel confident." Just say it—you'll feel so good!
The ego is so afraid of uncertainty, you know. It loves to declare, "I am now confident!" So, it's a thing that takes time and dedication. You have to be with yourself continuously. That's when you start gaining some assurance about yourself. And that's what empowers you to be reasonably assured of the other.
Not bothering to go inside, you feel all the more incentivized to just rush outside. And that will lead to all kinds of things in the relationship—fear, dependence, violence, jealousy. I'm gripping something for dear life. Will I ever let go of this? Is this love? Is this love? And if this one wants to go and have a walk—some fresh air— first of all, I'll beg. I'll say, "At your feet! I'm prepared to give anything that you want, but please, don't leave!" And if this one still insists on leaving? And why not? My life depends on this. If this leaves, my life leaves. Why will I allow my life to leave? I would rather…
Is there anything as violent as love? That's why. Because what we call as love is nothing but an expression of the inner darkness. Inner darkness turned into a relationship—that's what we call as love.
Is this somewhat answering the question?
Questioner: Yes, Acharya Ji. Thank you so much.
Acharya Prashant: Welcome.
