One Realization That Ends All Attachment
Questioner: So as you said that you should let go of a person who does all of those things. So here comes the topic about detachment. Sometimes we know deep inside that whatever pattern it is, it's not right and that we need to let go of it. But sometimes what happens is that we tend to click with certain people, and we are not able to click with other people in that same manner at all, right? So it becomes difficult to detach, and everyone says that you detach, you let go. But how exactly do we detach?
But it's not by just blocking or not viewing their profile and all of that, because deep inside we know that we are still going to think about them, right? So, how exactly can we implement that?
Acharya Prashant: Ghosting. Oh my God, there's a fly here (pointing towards the cup of tea). There's a fly here, but I'm still attached; Eww! I want to hear the cringe from you, please. I'm so attached. I've seen the fly, yet sipping it. That “Eww!” was not for me; it was not for the fly either. There is no fly. It was for the question.
Seeing is the answer; seeing. Do you really see who that person is and who you are in relation to that person?
Assume I'm a dog. I think of myself as a dog, barking dog, bhau-bhau. Will I have a problem sipping this? There's a fly here. Or I'm a human being who thinks of flies as angels or as seasoning, chai masala. Will I still have a problem?
If I do not know myself, I think of myself as a dog. Dogs have no problems with taking in flies, right? I'll take it in. Or if I think of flies as chai masala or seasoning, I'll still have no problem. When will I keep it away? When I know I am a human being but this one is a fly.
This is called knowing the other and knowing yourself. And when you know that, then only the right relationship will remain.
If you say you have seen that the other is not right for you but you are still attached, unable to drop, it means you know neither this one (pointing towards the cup of tea) nor this one (pointing towards oneself). You need to know both of them. You need to know who the other is, and you also need to know what the impact of this one on you is.
The other must exist in your life, and vice versa, only for the sake of internal elevation, to uplift your consciousness, to make you into a better person.
That's the only reason relationships must exist. No other reason.
Don't you see the impact the other one is having on your life? Don't you know who you are and what your potential is? Don't you see how limiting the bond is? How encaging? And if you see that, you'll just push it aside. It will be spontaneous. You won't even require to think, because now you have seen.
Seeing is the key. What does seeing mean? Not just with the eyes. Seeing implies understanding. But when you are so full of desire, you cannot understand. When you allow desire to overpower you, then you cannot understand.
Relationships can be the most beautiful thing and also the ugliest thing. A relationship can pull you up towards the sky, or it can dig a grave for you. 99% It's about digging your own grave. Only in the rare relationship do the two enable each other to fly. Otherwise, you find you have more freedom before or after the relationship.
Relationship, in general, would mean confinement; mostly psychological, emotional, sometimes even physical. See, don't be star-struck. Don't be taken in by the gloss, the glamour. See and ask yourself: What is the impact upon me? What's the purpose of birth? Why do we exist?
We exist to achieve our utmost potential, don't we? We exist to fly as high as possible. Is the other enabling me to do that? If yes, we'll coexist. The same thing applies to my influence on others. I cannot approach the other to enslave him, to confine him, to possess him. If I approach the other, it has to be for the purpose of liberation to help the other open his wings; and that's what you call love.
Enabling the other to achieve his or her absolute potential; that is love.
What else is love?
Give and take, barter, mutual dependence; that is not love. Long phone calls, dumping your waste on the other; that is not love. Four hours in the night you are talking the kind of trash that you won't dare talk to anybody else, and the poor fellow at the other end is the trash bin. Four hours he is collecting your absolute gibberish, and you very well know nobody other than this person will tolerate you, and that's why you say, “He is my lover.”
Have these four hours enriched him? Please tell me. Or internally you have burdened him even more with all your emotional output? Are you an unburdening presence, a liberating presence, an elevating presence, or are you dragging him down? That's a question you must ask.
When you know yourself, you also know what is love. And then you also know what is not love. And then you can push the fly aside.
No, no, no. You don't like tea, right? (asking the questioner)
Questioner: (Nodding her head in negation.)
Acharya Prashant: All right.
