No Price Is Too Big for Freedom
Questioner: Good afternoon. My name is Sobia Sheikh, and my question is that women are often labeled. For example, if she dresses up or she wears makeup, then she is judged unfairly, and they don't understand her individuality. So why is it that women are labeled so often, and how can one rise above these labels?
Acharya Prashant: You see, when you are saying that women are labeled, you're talking of others, right? So there is somebody out there who's labeling the woman, right? And the woman is now at least slightly concerned or disturbed, and that's why she's raising this question, right?
Questioner: Because whatever a woman does, her choices, whether it's about her career, her clothes, her makeup, anything, it's all criticized. So at some point, it affects her, right?
Acharya Prashant: So labeled by others, criticized by others. And you now rightly put your finger on the woman's inner condition, you said it affects her. So probably that is the central issue and the central weakness that enables and emboldens others to pass judgments and psychologically and physically dominate her for centuries. Are you getting it? I mean, if the woman or any person, irrespective of gender, really understands herself and therefore her choices, why would there be a need to be affected by others? Then the very basis of this question would become needless.
You see, I'm a person, right? And if I am very sure of who I am and where my choices and actions are coming from, then do I need to bother what this person or that person is saying about me? Do I need to bother? But we bother, don't we? As human beings, as women, we find ourselves bothered, disturbed, with the need to be validated. And probably there lies the real issue.
Why is there a need to be validated? Why is there a need to seek sanctions from others? And as long as that need exists, a weakness would exist. Because if you look to others to grant their sanction, others can withhold it. And by withholding their sanction, they gain a handle over you, they gain power over you. So the real problem is not that others are judgmental or that others unfairly criticize you.
The real problem is that you are affected by their judgment or criticism.
And I'll correct myself here, even that is not the real problem, because the need to look to others to have an assessment of oneself arises only in the absence of self-knowledge.
When I do not know myself, then I'll have no option but to gather my image from others. Right? I do not know who I am. I do not know why I should hold this mic. I do not know why I should wear these shoes. I do not know why I should be present here at all, or why I should wear this stuff. I do not know. So what will I do then? I'll ask all and sundry, “Sir, do you approve of this? Ma’am, what do you think of this? Should I be sitting here?” To the entire world, I'll beg, “Please tell me how do I behave? What are my limits? How do I speak? How do I marry? How do I eat? How do I walk? How do I dress up?”
Why does that happen in the first place? That happens because I do not know who I am, because I have borrowed my sense of self from history, tradition, and society. I have not looked afresh at myself originally, and when I do not look afresh at myself, I lean on external knowledge and the current of tradition. Then the result will be that I would be walking on social, external crutches, and that's what the others exploit to the hilt. Please understand, there are no free lunches. If you are dependent on someone, whether physically, financially, emotionally, or psychologically, there would be a price to pay. And
Women have been taught that dependence is probably all right. In fact, dependence has been glorified. And if you will depend, then you will find yourself helpless, bluntly put, at the mercy of others.
So, a very superficial example would be: you think you have dressed up rightly and you approach the other for validation, and he says, “Ah, what crap!” And you'll be devastated for something as trivial as clothing, something as trivial as that, because the other didn’t approve of it. And if such an impact can occur in such a trivial matter, think of the deeper things of life — whether to pursue higher education, whether to think independently, whether to proceed in such and such a way in terms of career, whether to relocate for the sake of work, when and whether to marry, when and whether to have kids, all these things you'll find yourself dependent on others.
And it is not a good condition. I’m saying that very mildly. I should rather say it's a pathetic condition. If for such intimate things in life, you have to borrow approval from others, then I need to be cautious, I need to be alert, I need to tell myself, 'No, no.' I am a human being, fully capable, fully mature, and there’s a certain dignity to uphold. And there is something so intimate to all of us that no external party should be allowed to encroach or touch upon. Right? There is a certain sacredness within, doesn’t matter man, woman, whatever. There has to be a spot within that nobody should be allowed to violate, enter, touch, or spoil. That inner sanctity, that inner sacredness, is what is called the self: the true self, the pure self.
But what we have been brought up as, and even educated to be, is creatures of dependence. Depend on this, depend on that. There are certain books in fact, books of social conduct, that have explicitly said that a woman should never be independent. As a kid, she should be dependent on the father; later on, the husband; and when she grows old, then she should be dependent on the son. Now think of the kind of distortion this would bring to the collective mind of humanity. Dependence becomes a way of life.
You talked of dressing up or makeup, have you ever wondered why so many poems have been written praising the beauty of women in particular, as if the other gender is totally deprived of beauty? No, I too can feel hurt. Now, why have so many poems been composed specifically for women? Think of it. Go into it deeply. Do we really know what beauty is? Do we have an original conception of beauty, really original, authentic, ingrown, heartfelt?
Had we known that as women, had we known that, then we wouldn’t have needed somebody else to pamper us with their words, flowers, and rainbows. But the men know very well that the woman can be flattered. Why? Because she has been distorted to the extent that she does not quite originally know what beauty is. So we will tell her, “You are beautiful.” And in telling her that she’s beautiful, we’ll make her dependent on us.
Because today she’ll gloat, “Ah, somebody came and told me, you’re gorgeous.” Now the same fellow has been given the power to return to you and say, “You’re looking ugly,” and you will find yourself shattered. Because if he can inflate you with his praise, he can deflate you with his condemnation or a simple act of inattention.
You passed by, the fellow didn’t even care to throw a glance, and you find your mood is spoiled. Why? Why isn’t our self-worth innate? Why do we have to look at others? Why should those poems succeed in flattering us? Why should the women’s apparel market be booming like this? Why should 70% of the world’s cosmetics be consumed by women? Please understand. This is one area, one of the few areas in which women dominate. 97% of the world’s cosmetics are consumed by women; men consume only 3%. Why? Not that consuming cosmetics is a problem, not in itself, but it is a problem when it is done to please somebody else. When it is done to please somebody else, then probably there is a problem. You need to find out for yourself. I’m nobody to tell you. Are you getting it?
And then it becomes a sort of joke with men. They say, “You know, these creatures…” They don’t even talk of the gender, they say, “This species,” as if it’s a joke. Understand the joke, “This species is overly sensitive, so be mindful. Be mindful where you are stepping, because some random, casual, innocuous remark can offend them.”
Now, why should one be offended easily, if at all?
Because one wants a certain appreciation or approval from the other, and if one does not get it, one finds herself very vulnerable. Oh my God, even a casual remark will hurt you. Even the casual absence of a remark can hurt you. “I took two hours to dress up and he said nothing.” And he might even not know that he has offended you, and the entire day then you are sulking and the fellow is wondering, “What have I done?” The thing is, you have not done anything, and that’s the reason why there is a problem. You should have done something.
No, no, I know it sounds funny, but it really is not. Yes, it is funny. I too will want to take it as a joke. But the reality is this is not a joke. This is at the root of all our bondage. Getting it?
Questioner: So, as you said about clothing, makeup, and all, it goes much deeper, right? Certain professions, when a woman chooses to be in certain professions, then they are like, “You know, that’s not a field that a woman should be in.” For example, criminal law. When I said I wanted to do criminal law, then there were people who told me, “That’s not a good field for women. You know, it’s risky for women. You know, you are not going to really benefit much from it.” So it’s not just about makeup and clothing, it goes way deeper.
And as you said, when somebody does not say anything even when we dress up, it’s true, it does spoil our mood, because since childhood what happens is that we are emotionally dependent on people. And most of the time, it’s more common in women that they are very emotionally, deeply attached and dependent on others.
Acharya Prashant; Yeah, they’re trained to be. You see, that has to be challenged. What else can be said? Yes, there is criminal law and there are certain other fields that have not traditionally been women’s bastions.
When I entered IIT in 1995, there were two departments that girls don’t usually prefer, mechanical engineering and civil engineering. Yet, we did have a couple of girls in both of these departments. In fact, I think in mechanical there was just one. So, somebody has to initiate it. And I’m quite sure if we look at the batch composition today at the better engineering colleges, it would be much better than 1/ 60, maybe still not 50%. I’m sure it’s still not 50%, but at least 20% now. So somebody makes a start, and then the thing from there just gains a life of its own. You become an inspiration. Getting it? That’s fine.
The same thing applies in the world of management to the field of marketing, especially the sales part of it. So women can be in finance; mostly they are found in HR. Mostly they are found in HR, but they can be in finance or in consulting or in strategy. But they are usually not found in sales, at least till 20 years back. But then there were certain women who took the lead. They said, “We like this. We like to be right at the front. We like to have our feet on the street.” So they started it from there, and then it happened.
You very well know that even in the Olympics women were not allowed till not so long back, right? So all these doors are now opening. In fact, yours is a relatively privileged generation. If you just go back two or five decades, you’ll be amazed at how many doors were closed then, the so-called developed countries of the West. Do you know when women got the right to vote there? Even universal adult franchises did not exist. In many of these so-called developed countries, women couldn’t vote. But today they can.
And there still are countries where women can’t drive. And there still are countries where, if women have to go out, they must be accompanied by a male guardian or somebody. So fine, all that is history, and therefore the girl must know that there is not much in history for the girl. Don’t be so historically aligned. Don’t say you are carriers of historical traditions, because history really carries nothing for you. The woman must make a fresh start.
I understand if men say, “We are traditionalists, and we are proud of glorious historical episodes, this or that.” But it is quite amusing when a woman comes up and starts talking of her identification or attachment with history. What do you have to do with history? History has given nothing to you. If you look at history, you will only find your oppression, and glorified oppression: religiously, legally, socially sanctioned oppression.
Therefore, you must make a fresh start. And that’s the reason you need the field of wisdom, wisdom literature and real deep core philosophy and spirituality so much.
And by spirituality, I no way mean organized religion or its tenets. No. I mean hardcore philosophy dealing with the bondage of the self. That is what spirituality is. Are you getting it? You must have a good knowledge of history, and that will liberate you from history. It’s been man’s history through and through. There’s not much for you there.
Questioner: Good evening, sir. As a young woman, when I dress up, if I wear a dress or shorts, my parents say, “Oh, your knees are showing. Oh, your arms are showing.” And they are like, “You’re not allowed to go like this outside. What are people going to say? What are people going to think?” So why does that word “allowed" come? Why can’t we choose what we can wear, and how to deal with it?
Acharya Prashant: Anybody can say anything. The problem is, why do you listen? This audience here can tell me I’m not allowed to wear this or that, or utter this word, or speak in such a manner, or in such terms. You can say that I’m not allowed. You can say what you want to, I’ll do what I want to.
Questioner: But the thing is: we are forced to listen to that.
Acharya Prashant: How can somebody force you? Try forcing me. How can somebody force you without your implicit consent? Please tell me.
Questioner: They are like, “First cover your arms, or else you’re not allowed.”
Acharya Prashant: So they are saying something. So they have said something. That’s all. That’s all, anybody can say anything. Freedom of speech is universal.
Listener: Sir, I have to speak on her.
Acharya Prashant: No, no, wait. Otherwise, it will go out as if I am advising young girls to be defiant or override their parents or not listen to their parents. We’ll first close this.
What you’re saying is: you want to do something, and that must be supported by your parents. But that’s not how life is. Please. If I want to breathe, you know, I have to fight against atmospheric pressure. That’s how life is. Do you know it? It takes calories to breathe. Do you know if you have no energy, you can’t even breathe? Because the air is not going to grant you the breath. Nobody will bestow anything to you. There are no free lunches in life. There is struggle. You want to breathe in, your lungs must pump in the air through exertion, through a demonstration of will and power. Otherwise, you can’t even breathe.
You know, even as you sit here right now, there are defense mechanisms in your body. There are white blood cells, there are T-cells that are continuously waging a war against those who must not enter you but have. As we sit here as human beings, there are these microbes, tiny miscreants, they keep entering our body through food, through water, through air, even through our skin, without our knowledge.
And when they enter our body, all these pathogens, you know of them, the virus, the bacteria, the fungus, the algae. When they enter your body, what happens? Your defense mechanism is continuously fighting against them. Or will you say, “No, I want to live. Please allow me to live, dear virus, please?” No. The virus will do what the virus has to do. You cannot blame the virus. You do what you must do.
And then there are certain microorganisms that are actually beneficial to you. You let them in, you cooperate with them. But for that, first of all, you must have a sense of what you must listen to and what you must discard. Do you know that? And if you do not know that, should we talk of your parents or rather the daughter?
Certain advice from parents can be wonderful, beautiful. Certain parents can be very, very illumined individuals, and they can give precious advice to their sons and daughters and to the world in general. Why must we not listen to them? And there are certain parents you must not spend even half a second listening to. How can the lost give you directions?
Those who have never known the way their own entire life, how qualified are they to offer you navigation? You must not waste a second heeding to them.
But for that, you must first of all know who is worth listening to. And no person is an absolute. Sometimes you listen, sometimes you see that this part I can be more discreet with. Are you getting it? So is it about the parents, or is it about the listener?
And if I do not know what to listen to, then I might find I’m disregarding even sane and precious advice, which often happens. That advice might come from parents or teachers or writers or from anybody else, but I’ll not have the sense to accord value to it, and I’ll miss out on that advice.
Mind you, you cannot be forced if you are not dependent. Therefore, you cannot be forced without your consent. If you find yourself bulldozed or forced, there is only one reason — you’re not walking on your own legs.
Questioner: But the thing is: we are somehow dependent on our parents right now, financially or something.
Acharya Prashant: Then bear it. The equation is very simple. Dependence and bondage will definitely coexist as a rule. And if you have made peace with dependence, then equally you make peace with bondage. You cannot have, as they say, your cake and eat it too. You have to bear this thing in its totality. If you want freedom, you pay the price. You don’t want to pay the price, you remain enslaved.
Listener: Sir, but then when we go against our parents, parents feel like we are disrespecting them.
Acharya Prashant: See, anybody can feel anything. Again, the same thing. There are so many out here, right? If I ask them, what have you felt so far about what I have said?
We can conduct this experiment here, a live demonstration. If we just ask them how you have felt about the whole thing, they all will write miscellaneous things. It will be difficult to find two descriptions alike, right? The gentleman over there would write one thing, the lady there would write another thing. And if you swap your papers on which you have written, we’ll be amazed. “But I have felt something totally different. How can this fellow feel like this?” Should I bother beyond a point? I have come here to do my best, deliver my best. Should I bother too much about the feelings of the audience? Yes, obviously there must be a feedback mechanism. I’m constantly looking into your eyes, definitely. But I’ll not allow that to affect my integrity. I’ll not allow you to dictate what I am to say.
Yes, one does look at the other as a social being, and I’ll also look at you to assess whether I’m really reaching out. But that does not mean that you can uproot me from my center. Maybe I’ll adjust my tone, my words, my language, my pace, maybe that is something I can do. But that does not mean that you can shift me from my fundamental position.
And that has to be the approach towards the world. One adjusts on the outside; one doesn’t adjust on the inside. Outside adjustment is the rule. I’ve come here, I’m sitting on this chair; I’ll have to adjust to it. I’ll have to adjust to the humidity or to the air or to whatever. Wherever I am, if you’re on the road, you adjust to the traffic. You cannot control things, or can you? One learns to adjust, but all adjustments must have a limit. How many of you can control the rain? What does one do then? One adjusts. That’s fine. But here, in your interiors, there must be no adjustment. There has to be a sacred inviability, and that is what you can also call real chastity.
Getting it? Does that clarify things?
You are free beings. Please understand, as men or as women you are free, but freedom always comes with a price tag.
You cannot have your comforts and conveniences and all the usual securities and still want freedom. That is not the way life is. You cannot say, “I am the pampered doll at home, but I’ll do as I wish.” No, no, no. You can be a pampered doll, these days they call it papa ki pari. You can be papa ki pari, but then papa will also decide when to send off the pari and when to marry her off. There is a price to pay. But how we love it! “I’m the good girl at home. Everybody says, ‘Look at her, how dainty, how disciplined, how well-behaved.’” Don’t get me wrong, but you need to learn a little disobedience, disobedience of the right kind.
Questioner: Sir, about that one, like sometimes we try to get free. For my case at least, I’m trying to get out of the house to get a hostel to study further, but as of now they have the control and they will not even let you have the freedom.
Acharya Prashant: How can anybody have control? Show me.
Questioner: Sir, we are dependent on them.
Acharya Prashant: How? So go out and earn. If you are financially dependent, go out and earn, and reduce your needs, and make the two meet: your reduced needs and your major earnings. Let them equate each other. Why do you need to spend so much? If you find that today you cannot earn on your own, why do you need branded clothing and this and that and all kinds of accessories and the better kinds of phones? Why do you need all that? No price is too big for freedom, or is it? Reduce all your expenses, but don’t compromise on your freedom.
And even after that, even after the deduction some expense will remain because you’re human beings, so you’ll spend. Earn. Go out and earn. You are educated, offer tuition, do some day job, part-time, something, anything. And I’m not speaking from theory. We were doing it thirty years back. I had very cordial family relations, everything all right, but I refused to take a penny from my parents, the day I entered college. There is a place near IIT Delhi; IIT Delhi is located at Hauz Khas, there is a place called Kalu Sarai. There are all these JEE coaching centers located there, JEE, you understand, the IIT entrance exam. So we would go there, and as IIT students they knew we had a certain caliber, so we would be given the copies of their students to evaluate, and there was certain money to be had per copy.
So you go there, you sit there, you evaluate the copies of their students, and you get certain money, and that would suffice. And some of us would go out and take tuitions because pocket money is all that you need. I mean, as far as the institute fee is concerned, there is the education loan for that, right? The education loan can cover all of your institute expenses, and for your personal expenses, go out and earn and reduce your expenses.
And it’s not that there’s a moratorium on being funded from family or parents. You can take money if that money comes out of pure affection and love, please take it. But if there are strings attached, immediately refuse. Most often there are strings attached, whether you take money from your father, or from your husband, or even from your boyfriend.
If your boyfriend is spending on you, it’s not because he is selfless, you’ll soon discover his demands. And when you don’t fulfill those demands, then there are acid attacks.
Instead of inspiring you, I look like I'm threatening you. Am I doing that? Okay, fine.
