Should I Marry or Chase My Dreams?
Questioner: Namaste Acharya Ji, it's my first interactive session with you online, and I'm really very excited but also nervous. So, my question is that you said in one of your videos that "Close your eyes and identify if you had no fear, then what would you be doing currently in your life?" And then just do that.
However, in another video, you also mentioned that "Do not do what you want because whatever you want comes from external influences, and so whatever we want may be useless and not really meaningful." So, what to follow? What our heart says, or something which we are not interested in but is meaningful?
Sir, because I'm in my CA final level and like, I'm also interested in many extracurriculars like dancing and performing arts, but I've never tried it. Like, I'm good in dance, and I also spend one hour a day to go to dance sessions. But I'm currently living in Bhatinda, in Punjab. So, I did do jobs in Delhi and Gurugram in the finance and accounts department, and then I also worked for a startup in IB (Investment Banking).
After a point, I've switched many jobs and put a gap in between, and have tried multiple things. But now, my parents have said that "Just finish your college, finish off your degree, and then you can do anything you want." Now, as time is passing and I'm seeing that, they're saying that "It's now your age to marry," but my degree is just 6 months away. I mean, I'll get my final degree in 6 months, and they're like, "Just finish off your degree, and then we will find someone for you." So, like, there are many things which I want to explore for myself, but I'm very, very confused about what to do.
Acharya Prashant: This is before I start answering your particular question. See, this is what this country does to women, you know. The woman counts her days. She says, "Let me do whatever can be done in life before marriage because after marriage, all this exploration and discovery and adventure will anyway come to an end." It makes me sad also, makes me angry—depends on the mood. Anyway.
Men don’t feel that way. Once they get married, they won’t feel that they won’t be able to go out and seek things or explore or find doors closed.
Okay, so you said the first thing I said was, "Close your eyes, without fear, do what comes to you," right? That was the first statement that spoke of being ‘without fear.’ And the second one that you quoted talked about being without your desires.
You said, "Do not do what you want. Do not just go with your random desires."
The first one is talking about being without fear, and the second one is talking about being without the usual kind of desires. And if these two sentences are to agree with each other, what would that need?
Just equate these two sentences with each other, assuming that the speaker has some integrity, so he won’t be talking about two different things at two points. If these two sentences are coming from the same center, then these two will agree with each other, no? And if you equate these two with each other, what do you get?
Listeners: Fear = Desires.
Acharya Prashant: So, fear equals desire. That’s the key to understand. Typically, your desires are deeply related to your fears. First comes the fear, and then comes the desire. And the desire is always a cover-up job on the fear—and that too, a bad cover-up job. The fear remains, and a lot of time and energy is spent on the desire and yet, even the fulfillment of the desire fails to cover up for the fear. The fear still remains. That’s what we are probably missing. We take fear as a negative thing—"No, you should not have fear in life." Equally, we take desire as something to be pursued—"Go chase your desires. Go get what you want." This is ignorance.
You look at any desire that you have that has arisen just as a blind reaction to an inner ignorance. I feel I lack in something, and that’s related to fear. When you lack something, then—"Oh my God, am I missing out on life?"—I lack something. Fear. We feel we lack something, and then, to make up for that lack, we want an object. Today this object, and tomorrow that one—that’s desire. One does not desire for nothing. If you were totally alright with yourself, if you were very fulfilled within, would you still have these same desires that you currently have? No. So all desires arise from a feeling of incompleteness, and there is great insecurity. "What if I live all my life remaining incomplete? What if I die unfulfilled?" In fact, you would have heard these statements often. In fact, these are some of the same statements that scare-mongers use to target women especially. Akeli reh jaaegi, budhape mei akele maregi.
The more you hear such warnings, the more you covet a darling husband, even though you know what that fellow is probably going to bring to your life.
Wanting per se is neither good nor bad. But when you want from a point of ignorance, when you have never bothered to see that even if your want is fulfilled, it would still leave you unfulfilled, then wanting is a problem. Nothing is always a problem, and everything is a problem from the wrong center. Wanting from the wrong center is a problem. You can also want from the right center. You can have targets from the right center. You can run huge projects and international missions from the right center. Forget small desires—you can have mammoth desires from the right center, and they would still be great. We are told, "No, you should not desire too much." You can desire too much, and that would still be alright if the desire is from the right center. And even the feeblest desire from the center of ignorance would not be right—not be right for you. We are not talking in the moral sense here. We are talking in the utilitarian sense here, in the practical sense here. Getting it?
There has been lately this controversy—some internet chaps and comics and stand-up artists, and they have said a few things. And there is a general outrage, and everybody is outraging. And, uh, massive. So, it’s all over the place. I was scrolling through my reels, and it appeared there as well. There is this girl, who is a part of the controversy. There was a small clip that appeared on my screen. She was being interviewed by someone. She was actually being interviewed by someone who has interviewed me as well, so maybe that's the reason it appeared on my feed.
So, he asks her, and this girl, I do not know her, but from her get-up and mannerisms, she looks like the typical representative of Gen Z—outspoken, unafraid, outgoing—all those things. So, this fellow asks her, "What do you expect from your husband?" A small, like, 60-second thing. And she says, after a bit of a silence, "Yaar, bas Maare waare Na."
Now, typically, I just scroll away, but this wasn't a made-up thing, or at least that's the way it appeared to me. And this wasn't coming from a small-town girl, coming from the interiors—Jharkhand or Chhattisgarh or Eastern UP. This is coming from someone who probably has a significant net worth, a passport that carries stamps of at least 10-20 countries she has traveled to, and yet, there is this fear that I would be beaten up in the marriage. I don't think she was joking at that point. That was half a second of authenticity.
I shudder to think, what if all these roses and garments and ornaments are just a cover-up for fear? It's the wedding season, right? The sky is pink, and still, another moment, another place, another day, the same person, or somebody else like her, somebody else like her, would be so desirous of getting into a relationship without ever bothering to inquire—why? What is it within me that impels me in such a direction? Are your desires really your friends? Have you seen where your desires come from? And those who have stakes in your desires, will they ever want you to turn inwards?
There is just fear within. Especially as a woman, if you will look into your heart, that's what you'll find—not love. The heart for a woman is hardly a symbol of love. That's why I feel so sad for this potentially great country. Half its population has nothing but fear in its heart. That's not to say that the other half is fearless. And from that fear, you can keep taking all kinds of decisions—to get into a relationship, to not get into a relationship, to take up a job, to quit from a job, to have a baby, to not have a baby, to shift to that place, to not shift to that place, to cover up your body, to reveal your body. You can take all kinds of very distinct decisions from that same center—the center of fear. How does it matter? How does it matter if everything is coming from fear? Somebody is scared, "I would be beaten up," she decides not to marry. Somebody is scared, "I would be left alone," she decides to marry. How does it matter? How is it any different? And what would be the quality of the relationship? I beg to ask.
So, you are a man. A woman marries you because she is afraid of being lonely. As a man, should you accept that relationship? Instead, you catch the opportunities with both hands. You want to make her feel even more lonely so that she runs to you even faster.
We used to have these scenes in the dark decade of Bollywood cinema—the '90s. The hero wants to patao the heroine. So he lets loose a few goons upon her, just to impress upon her that she's weak and vulnerable. And these goons are obviously buddies of the hero himself. And just when they are about to overpower her, he jumps from some goddamn branch of a tree and takes four of them down. And then the lady is all wooed and impressed. Find that cute?
You're coercing someone to come to you by inducing fear in that person. That's continuously happening even today. Maybe not in as grosser form, but still happening. There may be external goons were needed to forcefully make her admit that she is weak. Today, you have internal goons. But there is just so much around to make her feel weak, and from that weakness, all kinds of decisions are being taken. And no decision, I repeat, is necessarily right or wrong. You obviously can take the decision to be married, and the decision can be wonderful, provided it is coming from the right center. But is the right center active at all in the first place? It cannot be selectively activated for the purpose of marriage. Or can it be?
Everything about your life is coming from the wrong center, and just for one purpose, you say, "You know, this is the love of my heart." How come? Nothing else is coming from your heart in your life, only this man happens to come from there?
Consciousness itself shrivels. Have you seen how you behave when you are afraid? Seen a turtle when it's afraid? What does it do? It shrinks into itself. It covers itself up with its armor. Not a pretty sight, is it? Turtles can be cute, but all that you get to see is its armor, how cute is that? In the name of a turtle, if you see just the inverted plate, the armor—is it cute? No.
That’s how one half of the population of my country looks—only armored—because they operate from fear. And then I'm saying there is a shrinking, whereas the nature of consciousness is to expand. That’s where the fulfillment of life lies—in expansion. Therefore, the scriptures, the philosophies, often equate the true state of consciousness to the sky, in the sense of expansion, freedom, and limitlessness.
Where is expansion? Where is freedom? There is only the desperate urge for security. And one can understand that urge if you are always behind someone right from her childhood—chasing her, indoctrinating her, conditioning her, terrifying her. Nobody is a superwoman. People do get terrified. And when you are afraid, you know you can get wicked. When you know what the world is doing to you, you want to give it back in the same way.
And then men come up and play the victim—"You know, she exploited me." What the hell have you trained her for all her life? You have trained her to get exploited. She says, "You know, I have one fleeting chance here. Let me just pay them back in their currency." Isn't it tragic? Men come up on that same screen and ask questions about all things in life. And when women come up, 70% of the questions pertain just to….?
You have left her with just this.
She will not talk about the Middle East. She will not talk about the reciprocal tariffs that Trump and Musk are bringing in. She will not talk about Harley-Davidson sales and what the tariff system will do to that. She'll talk of—? That’s 50% of your population. We are talking about 50% of our species.
And I’m saying—you’ve starved the woman, and you have starved the man as well. Because a man does require the woman as company. And if you have a person you have yourself weakened, sickened, terrified, and reduced, what will the company of that person do to you? Please tell me. I inject a certain virus into you, and then I keep you for my company. What am I doing to myself? I’m injecting that virus into myself through you. That’s what man has done to woman. You reduce the woman, and through the woman, you will be reduced.
I’m sure this was not the direction you wanted my response to take, so you’re free to take it towards the place you wanted to take it to. Tell me.
Questioner Sir, actually, currently, I want to finish off my few papers left, and then I want to explore other things. But in my house, the environment that is being created is like—they’ll randomly start talking about it. Like, my mother has already told her sister to look for somebody, and she regularly updates me about this boy. And I have never seen the picture of this boy. Also, like, I’m not even interested in it. But the thing is that now, the environment which is being created—it’s very distracting.
Whenever I say that after completing this exam, I want to look for other opportunities, they say, “No, no, don’t leave; otherwise—Ham beemar ho jaaenge, agar tum chali jaaogi to, hamara man nahi lagega ghar pe. But on the other side, they’re ready to send me to some stranger’s house. I don’t understand the irony.
So this is going on. So I’m not understanding—should I finish my degree within six months, or should I change my environment and look for some other opportunities outside? I don’t want to be distracted by these things. I want to focus on other important things right now.
Acharya Prashant: The foundation does not want to be sued by your parents. But still, I’ll drop you hints strong enough.
(laughter.)
Questioner Sir, whatever you want to say, you can say. I'm not—
Acharya Prashant: It is well known that I speak in a very measured way—no? Express myself very modestly. You would be in your 20s, right?
Questioner Yes, I recently turned 24.
Acharya Prashant: 24 is voting right, driving license. You can be a lawmaker. You can sit in the legislative assembly next year. You’re 24, you can sit in parliament. At the age of 20 or 21, you could be the administrator of an entire district if you clear the UPSC exam. How is it that at 24, you are not mature enough to decide for yourself in your most intimate matters?
You can be a pilot, responsible for the lives of hundreds of people every flight. If you can be trusted with the lives of hundreds of people every hour, how can you not be trusted with your own life?
I’m trying to be diplomatic. I’m working really hard at it.
Questioner It's not like that. In some sense, they are open-minded. Also like, they have been very supportive of my career as well. In the initial days, when I was at the age of 20, I started working. I shifted to another city, and they were very supportive. But then, when I changed a few jobs, I was not knowing in which field I would have to work for a very long time. So they thought that now my age is 24, and they think that she might not really be very, very serious about anything. They think that marriage is the only way.
But it's not like that. It's just—I'm just exploring and finding what I have to do. They want everything to go perfect or at the right age, so they have some deadline set. I don't understand that. I don't understand—is it a problem within me that I'm not able to achieve those things at a very early age, or is it something else?
Acharya Prashant Parents want things to go perfect for their daughters, right? Just as they always knew what was perfect for them. For you to know what is perfect for the other, you should have known at least what is semi-perfect for you. I'm not talking about your parents in particular.
Parents—look at the lives of parents. How close are they to perfection? How many of you are results of perfect alliances? Do we know what perfection means? Do we know what it means to live a fulfilled life? And if we do not know these things for ourselves, is it love to impose these things on our sons and daughters?
In my own life, I have very clearly seen—I do not know anything. The fact is that I'm a goddamn fool, and yet, I want my offspring to live as per my decisions and desires. Is that love?
I was trying to be diplomatic. You guys will get me in trouble very soon.
Questioner Answer, sir.
Acharya Prashant You—you're 24. Today, you are asking me these questions. Tomorrow, you decide to go by your parents' wishes. Next year, you are a mama. That's possible. That happens in this country. Will you be a perfect mom?
Tonight, this hour, we are mired in confusion. We do not know. Out of this confusion, some random decision gets taken. Very coincidently, very ignorantly, very randomly, from that decision, you get a baby. And then you want all the perfect things for your baby. Is that realistic?
Have we, first of all, bothered to shape our own lives in any way that resembles perfection? Then how will we be perfect as parents? And why must the wishes of parents be taken with such seriousness?
I mean, I'm old enough to be the parent of a youngster. And had I been a parent, I wouldn't have wanted the girl or boy to obey my wishes—mostly because I know I can act like a huge idiot at times. Many times. All right—most times.
So why would I throw myself at someone who is 20 or 25 and ask them to toe my line?
Let's have some honesty, at least. We are not talking to someone who is five years old. We're talking to a 25-year-old, and the parent is 45, or 50, or 55. In terms of consciousness, both are equals, right? How does one of them then get the right to dominate the other's mind?
And also—again, at the risk of being portrayed a dreaded family breaker or somebody—all these excuses that daughters come up with in defense of their parents: "No, no, my parents are not totally evil. They gave me a decent education," is nonsense.
Decent education—so that you can be married off? How is that very different from keeping somebody uneducated so that she can be married off? The purpose is the same.
Of what use is education when the FLPR in the country is continuously declining, and women are more educated today than they ever were? More educated, and yet, dropping out of jobs. Why? Because the first priority is the wedding, and the man, and the baby. That's how the parents have indoctrinated them.
What is the point of education? Just so that the CV looks good? You don't educate someone so that she is more efficient in the kitchen or more productive on the bed. Is that what education is for? If all these years of education are going to be ultimately eaten up by household chores, what have parents educated their daughter for?
Go out and check on this particular metric—FLPR, female labor participation rate. There is something happening culturally in this country, something very, very vicious. Proportionally, more women were part of the workforce 20–30 years back. The cultural environment is degrading in a direction that is discouraging, probably even forbidding or threatening women away from the workforce, the workplace. And you say, "You know, I'm doing English honors." What's the point? What is the point?
And I respect household jobs. But you also know that had the household jobs been of paramount importance, the men would have taken them. And it does not take a genius to figure out the total financial value—the monetizable value—of all the household jobs that you do. Go and add that up and see what it comes to. Is that what you got educated for?
They say, "You know, there is great dignity in household work." Yes, I understand. That's great. Let the men do it. Why do the men want to be deprived of dignity then?
Their final vulgar argument is, "Then will the men give birth and breastfeed?" This is what the argument ultimately comes to.
I'm just trying to be diplomatic, holding myself back.
Questioner Sir, um... like, I also love traveling a lot. So recently, I shared that I want to travel from Kashmir to Kanyakumari. And I have decided everything—like, which buses I have to take, from where I have to travel—everything. And I want to do a solo trip for the first time.
So my parents were very shocked, and my father said, "First, talk to Tauji. If he approves, then you can go. Then we will see." I was very angry about that. I also discovered—what does Tauji have to do with this if I have to go on a solo trip?
I understand, like, it's a joint family and everything. It's a baniya family, and everybody gets married by 25. So my brother, who is one year older, he has already got married. Now, everybody is just looking at me. Agli baar Divya ki hai. So every time, they have the same thing. Whenever I visit them, Agli baar to tumhari hi hai.
In this environment, I'm thinking that in March, when my exams will get over, then I will see. Whatever I have in my hand, I'm just not thinking about it currently.
Acharya Prashant Listen, lady—this ugly world, this world understands only the language of power, huh? Your tauji, he might be 60 or whatever, but if there is a 25-year-old with enough financial heft, your tauji will bow down.
You could be in some industry at the age of 22–24, earning a fat package, and then people are less likely to get into your business. They'll stay away and respect their limits.
You could be an IAS at 21 and you can have 50-year-olds reporting to you. And all those 50-year-olds will be somebody's Taujis and Fhufhajis and Mamajis and Papajis.
Gather power for yourself in whatever way you can. If you remain feeble and dependent, this ugly world will simply eat you up. They'll throw you away somewhere, and that would be the end of their role and they'll not come to inquire, investigate, or help.
Keep everything else off your mind. Build yourself up and gather strength. This is a very loveless world. It knows only the language of power.
Tauji will sanction your travels, and it's quite likely that tauji's boss is a 30-year-old, and he sanctions Tauji's leaves. Be that boss. Attain a similar position. Then they forget all their gender-based prejudices. They also forget caste hierarchies. Everything is forgotten in front of power, money, and authority. That's the only language they understand.
Forget that you are a baniya or anything. A woman has no caste—she only has a body. That's the world we live in. For the world, you are a womb. Do they want you to get married so that you can play little cute games with the man? What else is marriage? Go, procreate, get us a few toys to play with, in the name of furthering the clan.
If you are well-educated, use your education for your empowerment, and that power will give you the leverage to live life on your own terms. Else, anybody—everybody—they'll ride roughshod over you. And you will internalize it.
One resists only to the point there is a point in resisting, no? And after that point, what do you do? You succumb. You surrender. You give in to the situation. You start pretending as if you are in the situation by choice. In fact, you start siding with your hunters. You start acting as if your oppressors are your well-wishers. Because you know very well there is no point resisting anymore. You flip sides. Let that not happen to you.
Women die a very early death internally. After that, they are just machines of flesh—eating, reproducing, entertaining, and getting entertained. Talking gibberish and spewing venom on anyone who dares to show them the mirror.
At 24, you're talking to me, and you are ready to at least lend an ear to what I'm saying. It's possible at 34, you hate me. It's possible at 34, you say, "You know, this man is evil. Avoid him at all costs." Because at 34, it is very possible that you'll be very, very deeply invested in this same traditional system. You'll be so deeply invested, you'll know there is no way out.
So you will want to pretend as if you have willingly chosen to be in that system. And you'll pretend so deeply, you'll believe in it. And you'll believe in the hatred you'll have for me.
A lot of women hate me from their guts. If they find me, they'll slash my throat. Extremely visceral hatred. You know why they hate me? They hate me because I didn't come to them when it was time. They hate me for coming too late to them. They'll not accept this. When I say this, they'll scoff at it instead of acknowledging it.
The fact is—every 15-year-old needs to listen to this, or else it'll be too late. I was supposed to be diplomatic. You will get me in jail sooner than later. Yeah, that's all.
Questioner: Thank you so much, sir.
Acharya Prashant: Thank you.
