Love or Just Desire?
Questioner: Being an Easter Sunday, Bible quote comes to mind that “God is Love.” And you also said a lot about love today. So, my question is, one kind of confusion comes to mind, that there is a Buddha story also that Lord Buddha is sitting at the gates of heaven refusing to enter until everybody has entered before him and only then he is going to enter.
So today you also threw light on the difference between Desire and Love. My question, little confusion comes that does love need to have an object? Because for desire definitely there is an object and obviously, I have not experienced that love ever, so it is very hard for me to visualize or imagine love without and object.
Acharya Prashant: Okay, please listen to this very carefully. The difference between desire and love is that for desire the object is the purpose, desire has an object, so has love. But for desire object is equal to purpose, for love the object is suited to the purpose of liberation. For desire the object becomes the purpose, for love the purpose is always liberation and the object is just the means to get liberation. That liberation could be yours, that liberation could be somebody else’s, liberation is liberation. Liberation is something impersonal, right?
When you are desirous you just want the other person and the mark of desire is, it wants to remain blind to what the other person will give you. Though later on when it turns out that the purpose is not being served, then you even drop the other person or the thing or object or whatever it is.
But as long as the desire rages and is dominant on the mind you equate the object with the purpose. And you tell yourself that, no, no, there is no other purpose. Getting that thing is the purpose. In that moment you require some wise men to come to you and ask you, “But have you thought of what you will get from that?” And you say, “No, no I have never thought of that. There was just this sensual pull and that is taking me in a big way, unstoppable way to that object.”
And then he say, “Okay, pause for a while, lets reflect a bit, meditate on this, what will you get from that.” And then you find out that the object and the purpose are actually different or time will tell you that the purpose was different because you get that object, often you do succeed. And having gotten that object you will find out that the object is not fulfilling you and then you say, Oh! So getting the object was itself not the purpose because in spite of having the object now I am not felling okay.”
Love knows that distinction right at the outset. Loves knows very well that the object is merely a resource to be used in the service of truth or liberation or freedom whatever.
How is love different from desire? Love is always dedicated to the purpose of liberation. If in the process of love or desire or whatever, you can see that you have never forgotten liberation or truth then rest assured, you are loving. And in the process of this desiring and getting attracted and all that, if you find that the object has become so heavy, so dominant on you that you have totally forgotten liberation; you have forgotten liberation to the extent that the object itself has become the bondage, then you should know that this is not love.
In the moment of your attraction or gratification ask yourself, “Do I still remember; in this very moment, the fact at least, if not the truth? Have I totally lost sight of the very nature of life, which is bondage.” Have you totally forgotten that life is suffering, that life is bondage. Just because this moment is pleasing me so deeply, I have totally forgotten that life is suffering, if that is happening to you then you should know that the relationship is of desire not love.
In the relationship of love you are constantly reminded of the truth. So, ask yourself, “What is happening?” The purpose, the final thing, by purpose I mean the end, the end, Love remembers the end, the end means the highest. Love remembers the purpose, the end, the highest. Desire does not remember the highest, desire remembers only the object.
For desire the object becomes the purpose which means the object becomes the highest. Desire equates the object with the ultimate. Love does not make that conflation. Love knows that the object is the object and the ultimate is the ultimate, at most the object can be a toll. It can be pressed in the service of the ultimate.
So, two persons could be attracted towards the same object, yet one could be desiring and one could be loving. There is an object and you find two persons rushing towards it, same object, the same kind of rush and yet one person could be just desirous and the other one could be loving. It is possible, very possible. Don’t confuse the two.
Depends on the relationship with that object, what do you want from that object. The desirous one will just want the object from the object. The object itself is the gratification. Getting the object is the gratification. The loving one would say, “No, there is a deep, deep ancient demand within me. And that’s what takes me to this object.”
The desirous one would eat the object out, because that’s what he wants - 'Gratification'. If that involve splitting the other apart and consuming him, why would I not do that? That’s how desire operates. The loving one knows very well that, that which I want, truly want is not something that is obtained by violence or insensitivity or consumption. So, a relationship of desire is therefore, very clearly different from a relationship of love. And if you are attentive, you will see that.
Questioner: Thank you sir.
Acharya Prashant: The object is not one thing Vikram ji, you know. A friend is coming to me or a student and a wild beast is coming to me and they both are rushing to me, with similar speed, let’s say, there is a great difference. One is looking at very bottom of my personality, which is my body. One is looking at me in the crudest way possible, he is saying, “This fellow sitting there is flesh.” The other one is looking at the topmost point of my being, which is wisdom.
So, the two of them; though related to apparently the same entity, are actually operating from very different points and therefore they are relating to very different points in my multi-layered being. I am the body, I am the mind and the mind too has many layers. So, I am a multi-layered being, right? The Upanishads talk of it as the ‘Panchkosh,’ several layers.
In desire you relate to the very outer layer, the bottommost layer or the most worthless layer of the others being. So, the wolf would come and sink his teeth in this flesh. That’s to him, the best use he can make use of my existence. What did he get from Prashant? Flesh. That’s desire. It does not know that there can be a higher purpose.
Love relates to the topmost point because love knows that the purpose is topmost. And if you are to serve the topmost purpose, then you have to relate to the topmost point in the others being, correct? If you are to serve the topmost purpose, then you have to relate to the topmost point in the others being. So, the student will come to me and seek not flesh but wisdom from me or whatever I can give, some knowledge, something, the intent is very different, desire wants blind gratification, love wants illuminated liberation, the very intent.
Also, this brings us to what is violence in relationship. Relating to lowly points in others being is violence in relationship. That other fellow is a spectrum, is an entire range. What point in the range are you relating to? In desire, you relate to the lowly points. In love, you relate to the higher points. Relating to the lowly points in somebody’s being that is violence and that is desire.
Questioner: So, having a desire for oneself is also being violent towards oneself. If we are...
Acharya Prashant: Desire for oneself, what does desire for oneself mean? The object of desire is always external, right? You want something for yourself. Now, if go into that, that will again tell you. The wolf thinks of himself as the body, therefore the maximum he wants from me is my body. So, desire definitely will arise from a lowly point within you. Therefore, it will relate to a lowly point within the other.
The desire of the beast arises from the body of the beast therefore it wants my body. Love on the other hand arises from the higher point within you, therefore it wants to relate to the higher point within the other.
Questioner: I got my answer, thank you sir.
