Love does not know labels || Acharya Prashant, with youth (2013)
Listener 1: Sir, if we talk about relationships, there is caste system and all this comes from the society only. Taking my personal example, my boyfriend is a Brahmin and I am not; so his parents oppose our relationship and we cannot continue this way in the future. So, ultimately we have to break it up. How to deal with these things?
Speaker: What enables the other person to control me?
Listener 2: My fears.
Speaker: Why must I be afraid of the other person? We all complain that our lives are dominated by external influences and that makes life miserable; but have you ever tried to think what enables that other person to control me?
Listener 3: We let them do that.
Speaker: Why do we let them do that?
Listener 3: We are habituated of that and hence we let them control us.
Listener 3: But we cannot force someone to be with us?
Speaker: No, you cannot force somebody to be with you but at the same time you cannot allow someone to dictate your own life. You don’t want it but yet, the other is able to control you. Why does this happen? Go into it more deeply. You don’t want them to rule you, right? You don’t want them to have power over you but yet that happens. Why?
Listener 3: It is easier if others rule us, rather than we ruling ourselves.
Speaker: I understand that but what makes it easier for him? We all want freedom. As young people, as energetic people, we all want to be free; we all want to live life our own way; yet we find ourselves dominated. Why is it so?
Listener 4: We also want security in our lives.
Speaker: So, we are trading away freedom for security. You enable the other person to dominate you because you have made an agreement with the other person, it is a trade agreement. That agreement says, ‘I give you my freedom , please take away my freedom but give me an identity; give me security; give me financial help; give me beliefs. You have traded it away and it is such a poor trade; it is such an unprofitable trade. It is like giving away something precious awayfor something very-very trivial. Your freedom is so very precious but you have traded it away for something as trivial as a few conveniences; a few securities and identities. For these trivial matters of convenience: a room, a house, food, a name, you have given away your freedom. Nobody has taken it away but you have traded it away. I want to ask you, what makes you sign that agreement? Why did you sign that agreement?
Listener 1: Sir, I am happy giving away my freedom but the thing is I am being made a victim of caste-ism and I want to know how to deal with it?
Speaker: It is not at all possible to not to be free. You say that you are happy giving away your freedom but please don’t take this relationship away from me. If you are really happy giving away your freedom then effectively you are saying that I am a slave and a slave can have no freewill. If you have given away your freedom then what right do you have to ask for anything? A slave has no right to ask for anything. Only a free man has a right to ask for a free life or anything from life. So, never say that I am happy giving away my freedom; that is such a dangerous statement to make, don’t make that statement. If you have given away your freedom then you have given away yourself. Now you will have to do what others want you to do and this is such a pathetic trade; I give away freedom and you give me a few conveniences, a few luxuries of life.
Who can dominate you if you refuse to take what you have been taking. You are taking ‘so much’ from the other person; obviously, he develops a right over you. When I am giving you so much, will I not expect a return? You take so much from those around you that they expect a return. You know what that return is? Give me your life! We are giving you money, security, identity, you give me your life. You have traded your life away. Stop trading your lives.
Listener 5: But how to do that?
Speaker: Simple; stop taking what you have been taking. Till the time you are taking what you are taking, you will remain a slave. The lesser you take; the more free you are. The less dependence you have; the more freedom you have. The more dependent you are on any external entity; the less free you will be.
Listener 6: But what about the love our parents have for us?
Speaker: What you are calling as ‘love’ may actually be something else. Love does not demand a return. Love does not say that I have given you so much, now you will live according to me; this is trade.
‘प्यार और व्यापार में अंतर होता है‘। Please do not think that there is any love in this. Not at all!
Listener 6: Sir, but being a parent they obviously expect to…
Speaker: There is no obvious in this, please. There is nothing obvious in this.
Listener 6: But if they have given us such a life and out of that, if they expect, how is this wrong?
Speaker: What do you call this, ‘I have given you this and now I expect this from you?’.
Listener 6: This is trade.
Speaker: Obviously. This is ‘obvious’ (smiling) . If I give you X and you have to give me Y, then this is trade. But this is not at all obvious that you are saying that we do not have this thing with our parents. This is not at all obvious.
Listener 6: Taking her example, she said her boyfriend could not continue because his parents are not allowing him to do that.So my question is, how can we oppose our parents, obviously he has to listen to them. They must have a valid reason too.
Speaker: How old are you? Are you 8 years old that somebody else must take your decisions? You are a person and that fellow is also a person, you have your brain, he has his own brain too. It is a deep, deep conditioning that is attached to this label: Parents. The only relationship between any two individuals can be that of love. A relationship of obligation and duty cannot be a ‘real’ relationship. Talking of parents, as you are repeatedly saying, you have some obligations and duties but you are not saying love. Had there been love, would there have been such a conflict?
Listener 6: So shall we just leave them?
Speaker: Are you with them right now? Are you with them? Repeatedly it is crossing your mind that they have taken away your freedom, then how can you be with them even now? You can be with a person only when you are in love with that person.That is the only relationship possible. But you say that your relationship is of trade then obviously you are not with that person; it’s a trader’s relationship. In that, you are not with anybody.
Listener 6: That way, every relationship is like…
Speaker: Not every relationship. Talk about yourself. If all my relationships are like this, then we need to see what kind of life we’re living. If I am surrounded with people with whom my relationship is always of give and take, then you know what will happen; I would be in constant fear and pressure, I would be eager to take and afraid that so much has to be given; as happens in business. Whenever you have a deal that I have to give this and take that then you say, ‘I want to minimize what I am to give and maximize what I want to take’, and that is the relationship of greed and fear, that is not love. Love is an entirely different thing; it has an entirely different flavour to it. There you don’t count what you have given to the other person. Not at all! And you never demand anything; that we have given you so much, so now it’s your obligation to give us back. If somebody says there is an obligation, please know that he does not love you, he was investing in you so that you may be productive at a later stage. I invest 10 lacs in a factory so that I can get back 20 lacs in near future, do I love that factory? The moment the factory says that now I am free, I will say, ’hold on, give back my 10 lacs first’. If the factory says that I want to marry a ‘factra’…..
(Everybody laughs)
He will say, ‘Not allowed, not permissible, especially when the ‘factra’ belongs to another caste’.
(Everybody burst into laughter)
Find out love, whether it’s with parents or with friends.
Listener 7: Sir, how to find that love?
Speaker: By seeing that what you are currently calling as ‘love’ is not love. Till the time you hold on to ‘this’ notion of love, you will never get to the real thing. Till the time you hold onto the fake, how can you get to the real? First of all get rid of ‘this’ notion that this is love, this is not love. See, our relationship with anything is not of love. We are not in love with our books, we are not in love with sports, and we are not in love with this moment. We study, so that we may get marks. Can you see the trade? I am studying, so that I can get marks. All the time we are just calculating profit and loss. I am investing time, and I must get marks. There is no love between us and our books and that has become a way of life with us. The trader’s mentality!
Life is not to be lived as trade; life is meant to be lived in love. Fall in love with your books and then you will not be worried about marks or placements. Love your parents and then this kind of situation won’t arise. Let your parents know about what real love is. Right now they may alsobe living with the same trader’s mentality. Somebody has to initiate, then why not you? Your parents also deserve better, after all their intentions are always good, it’s just that they do not know.
Listener 6: If they are opposing, can’t they have some valid reasons to do so?
Speaker: Don’t call it a valid reason. See, no valid reason depends upon a particular ‘label’. You do not look at a person through his brands and labels, that way you all will always be at a disadvantage. You see, caste is a label and there are many other labels that are attached to us: economic status, educational status, religion, gender, country and many others. And caste is one of those labels. Then you should also not complain that why should IITians be given preference and respect everywhere. It is because they have a label. But there you do not want to go by that, you say, ‘No, not at all, look at merit, the label should not count’. If there you want to look at merit, here also look at the merit. Look at that individual. Is that individual worthy of love? If yes, then what is the point in looking at labels? What do you mean by valid reasons? Can ‘label’ be a valid reason? Your name is also a label. Someone can reject you just because of your name too, it is as stupid as that. If caste is a valid reason then your very name should be a valid reason too.
Listener 1: Sir, we understand this but how to make them understand?
Speaker *(smilingly)*: No, you do not understand.
Listener 1: Sir, I am absolutely trying to understand what you are saying but leaving aside the marriage issue; in other cases too it is difficult to make others understand. Like, if I do not want to pursue M.Tech after my engineering, but my father wants that I should go for M.Tech. So, how should I convince him that I don’t want to do this, that I want to go for a job instead?
Speaker: All right. I’ll tell you how to go about it. It is simple. The day you finish your B.Tech; walk into an institution; fill up the M.Tech form; get admission and start attending classes.
Listener 1 *(confused): * But I don’t want to do M.Tech.
Speaker: Oh! You don’t want to do it. Then it is much simpler. When the day for classes comes, don’t go.
(Everybody laughs)
Isn’t it so simple? Obviously you cannot get admitted without filling up and signing the admission form. Do not sign the application form.
Listener 1: But how should I convince my father?
Speaker: Why should you convince? Just do not sign.
(Everybody laughs aloud)
I am not joking but coming to a particular point. You must see what will happen if you do not sign, and then you will be able to see whether the relationship is of love or not.
Listener 1: Sir, obviously nothing will happen to the relationship if I do not sign.
Speaker: Then do not sign. Good for you!
Listener1: He will say that it is OK.
Speaker: Then OK.
(Everybody laughs)
Listener 1: But…
Speaker: Let’s first accept that is not going to be OK. If you do not sign, you will have to face the consequences. So, it is not OK and you are afraid of that. Somebody who terrifies you cannot have a relationship of love with you.
Find it out. Our parents deserve better. They also deserve to be in a loving relationship with us, and you are pretty much capable and can initiate this. Right?
Listener 1: Yes, Sir.
Speaker: Alright.
Excerpted from a ‘Shabd-Yog’ session. Edited for clarity.
