Emotions vs Logic: Inner War in Attachment
Question: Pranam Acharya Ji. My question is related to attachment. I find myself dwelling on to dearment or attachment towards important people in my life and then there is a constant war inside me with my emotions and logic. My logic says, “No, this is not the way you should function.”
And sometimes even if I am watching your video, if I am reading, I am not able to focus and I am not able to grasp what it is trying to say. So, how to come out of this zone? Sometimes it happens quite frequently and then I just remind myself that, “No, I don’t have to do like that.” But then it doesn’t help sometimes.
Acharya Prashant: Let’s say there is a kid in the family, right? And the kid, the entire year is showing up with the report card from the school. And the report card continuously says A, A+, A, A+. Every two months there is an assessment, and the kid comes up and shows the card, and the card looks just glorious. And so, you have a certain attitude toward the kid, right? You give importance to that kid then, correct?
And then when the final exams are over, you in your exuberance, in anticipation that the results will again be great, you decide not to wait for the report card. You decide to go to the school yourself and meet the class teacher and get the report card personally.
And you go to the school, and you meet the class teacher, and you say, “I am Champaks Didi, and I have come to personally collect the card.” And the class teacher says, “Are you sure you are his Didi, the elder sister? Because till this day, he was displaying somebody else as his Didi. Because we used to ask every month to bring his parents and elders to us. And every month he would bring people to us, the entire family, and the entire family would consist of a lady he would introduce to us as his Didi, and that’s not you. Who are you?”
And somehow you convince them that you are, in fact, the certified Didi. And he hands over the card to you. And the card somehow is all in red ink from the first place till the last, C-, D, D-, Z-. And you collect the card, and you go back.
And the kid, Champak, is sitting there all puffed up because he is the apple of the family’s eye. Everybody gives great importance to whatever he says because he is not just the class topper, he’s the school topper, he’s the Galaxy topper, he is everything that a kid can be. You give him great importance. If he says, “I want a new geometry box,” you get him five boxes, imported boxes. He says, “I want a pair of socks,” you get him five pairs of shoes. That’s the kind of importance you give to Champak.
And now you go back with that red thing in your hands. What is the importance that you now give to Champak?
Questioner: Very less importance.
Acharya Prashant: Now there was a wise woman in the neighborhood who was cautioning you since an entire year. “This Champak fellow is no good. You drill some sense into him. All the time he is chasing all the kids around, especially girls, and still your family just patronizes him all the time.”
And were you listening to the aunt from the neighborhood? No! Right? Even if the lady would give logic, your emotions would quarrel with her logic. Even if she would present some proof, still your emotions for Champak will not accept the proof, correct? Because you were according a certain importance to Champak based on your assessment of his reality. And your assessment was based on the proof he was furnishing you. And he very well knew that your assessment of who Champak is depends on the proof that he himself furnishes you.
So, is the problem about the clash between emotion and logic? Or is the problem about the very fundamentals of assessment of importance?
Questioner: Fundamentals.
Acharya Prashant: We do not know who to accord importance to, correct? And importance is being accorded totally on forged documents. The moment you know his reality, the importance is gone and the inner clash, “Should I be attached to this person? Should I not be attached to this person?” All that inner conflict is resolved immediately, right?
So, the real problem is not attachment. The real problem is accordance of importance. If you can know what is infinitely important, I say, please be attached to that. Attachment is not a problem; the problem is being attached to something totally unworthy. And worth is something that has to be assessed through facts.
Because you went to the class teacher, therefore the worth was revealed to you. And facts will never be revealed if you live in belief. If you continue to believe Champak, you will never know facts. That’s the problem with belief.
Don’t believe, check out the facts. If you are attached to someone, check out the facts of their importance. Do they really deserve that kind of importance? Check out the facts. Go to their school. Talk to their class teacher. You know what I mean, right? I am dealing with symbols.
Questioner: Yes.
Acharya Prashant: Do they really deserve the position you are giving him? Just think of how you used to think of Champak, and now that you have seen his report, how do you now look at him? Has not the entire face changed? Has not the interface changed?
Earlier, if no sound was coming from Champak’s room, what would you imagine? That he is studying. Now, upon the same occurrence, you would immediately know that the fellow is up to some mischief.
So, even your experience depends on your assumption. Earlier, when no sound used to come from Champak’s room, your experience used to be great. “Oh my God, such a great kid brother I have. He is studying even at midnight, that’s why there’s no sound. And he has bolted the door from inside.”
Now, having seen his report card, you know he is cooking something fishy inside and that’s why the room is locked from inside. Now, you will rather call the fire brigade and break open. “You know, having known now what kind of a disease you are, I just cannot trust you.” That’s what. We don’t know the facts; we live in fancies.
In relationships, that’s a major problem. Once you are related to someone, you totally lose sight of their reality. And losing sight reminds me of Dhritarashtra, what to do. His blindness is not just symbolic. Being attached to Duryodhana, he totally lost sight of the facts of Duryodhana, totally, just lost it.
It doesn’t matter whether you are attached to a son, a daughter, father, mother, friend, or a husband, or a wife, or a lover, or a dog. Doesn’t matter! No, it’s just coincidental that I placed a lover very proximate to the dog, I don’t mean anything. I mean, people will unnecessarily accuse me of verbal insinuation. Things can happen randomly, can’t they? So, just excuse me.
We totally lose sight of the kind of person the chap is. What exists is the relationship. The person disappears from the inner radar. We just never evaluate what kind of persons are we related to. We simply say, “Oh, but he is my father.” Hello, that’s okay, that’s okay, we acknowledge that. But can we evaluate the person he is objectively? Have you tried to look at his business transactions? Have you tried to talk to his colleagues? Have you tried to assess who he really is? Or the mother, or the wife, or anybody.
Attachment is not a problem. Attachment involves one thing at least that is quite great, which is proximity. If you are attached to, let’s say, the author of the Gita, what can be more auspicious than that? What can be more auspicious than that? You got attached to him, he will dissolve the attachments. That’s okay. You are getting attached just to the right person. You get attached; he dissolves the attachment. Cool.
But we get attached specifically to people who will only strengthen the attachment, and that’s one of the very important proofs of the person being unworthy. It’s worth, that is important. Assess the importance. Assess the importance, and if you have been wise enough, discreet enough, or simply lucky enough to have the right person in your life, then continue to remain attached. But assess them, and assess them well, objectively, with Truth at your core.
You don’t want to fight with the class teacher, right? You don’t want to tell them, “You have been lying. Champak has been a topper throughout.” Well, the class teacher is the class teacher. If the class teacher says that Champak is the outstanding rascal of the class, then you better trust the class teacher rather than Champak. Outstanding because he is always standing out. Getting it?
People often complain, “That fellow changed after four years of relationship.” They didn’t change. He or she just revealed himself. He didn’t even reveal himself; your eyes opened a little after four years. The urge to be in a relationship often is so strong that we refuse to look at the reality.
Something within us knows very well that if you come upon the fact, then the relationship will be impossible; so, you want to keep the fact at bay. Keep the fact aside if the relationship is to continue. I often ask people, “Don’t you know very well the issues that you must not raise in your relationship? Don’t you know very well of the questions you must not ask your partner?” If you know of these things, then you very well know that your relationship is founded on something very weak.
We all very well know of the questions that would immediately spoil the relationship. We all very well know of the issues we must never discuss with our family, or spouse, or somebody. You raise those issues and…Magically, that is called relationship management in today’s time.
They say if you want to manage your relationship, first of all, you must know the things you should not discuss. Influencers you see, Instagram. They say that the best relationship managers are the ones who know what not to talk of—so don’t talk of these things, and relationships will keep fine.
So, assess the importance. Assess the importance. Ask if the Truth is important. “Does this person bring Truth to my life? How is he important?” Right? That’s what the Gita teaches you. That’s what self-knowledge is about. Truth is important, correct? Getting rid of bondages is important. Liberation is important.
“Is this person bringing Liberation to me? Is he bringing light to me? Is he bringing fearlessness to me?” He, she, whatever. Because these are the things that are important. So, if this fellow is the harbinger for these things, then and then only is he important. Otherwise, how is he important?
Flesh is not important. You know the destiny of flesh. I am not talking of the ash it turns into. There are apps on the Play Store. You feed your current photo and they will display how you look, probably look forty years down the line. That’s the worth of flesh.
So, if somebody is bringing only flesh to your life, he is simply like a mutton seller. Even the mutton seller can provide you with some flesh. Is this fellow bringing Consciousness into your life? That is what will decide his or her importance.
So, do not just say, “If somebody is important, I get attached.” My question will be, “How did that fellow, first of all, manage to become important. Important how? Ho kaise gaya? How?” Randomly? Anything becomes important?
Questioner: Thank you, sir.
